September 4, 2014

Blue sapphire

He said, " You really are different from last time I saw you. The problems seem to have less control over you, it is more like... you have taken back control."

That's what my company doctor said. He was quite happy with my progress (remember: progress = progress no matter how small). But I took some steps, made some decisions. Here I am, voilĂ  it's September.

So let me start with that horrible physiotherapy training. I quit. I did it, I finally decided it wasn't for me. Thanks to Ashley who reminded me there are 100 ways to climb a mountain.

The only thing it did give me was enough confidence to put on my running shoes and just go for it. Before I got sick I used this app called Get Running and I really liked it so I am using it again. You can find more information about it here. Basically it's a Couch-to-5K running plan, but I will start running twice a week instead of three. I will take it slow. Let my body get used to it. But fuck hey, I'm doing it. My first run... was very emotional. Because I was thinking of the horror my body went through... and now I was here all of a sudden... fresh air, beautiful nature, wind in my HAIR! I really cried my eyes out when I got home. It was good. A milestone I would think.

I always do some yoga stretches after my run. If you're interested, I follow exactly this routine. I try to do some other exercises for my upper body through the week, low key, whenever I feel like it. No pressure. First priority is: running. Because it is something I like and I think I really could benefit from this mentally as well.

But I made another decision after talking to my psychologist and psychiatrist... I was going to give the anti-depressants another go. So I made this long list for my psychiatrist and he was pretty cool and understanding about everything. I am still seeing my psychologist every three weeks and it's nice talking to a woman. But this dude, well he gets me. Which is good I think when somebody prescribes you medication. I have been taking it for almost a week now... I think I feel a little more calm, a little less emotional... more steady? Of course it is way too early to tell how this will work in the long run. But at least I'm not freaking out or feeling like a zombie (it happens, been there.. done that). So I think we're on the right track with this as well. Which made me cry as well. Weird eh? I have been feeling so much pain and heartache... now I finally get a little bit of fresh air... As if I'm taking a deep breath... and I cried because I didn't have to cry.

So all and all that sounds pretty good and uplifting doesn't it? I don't expect miracles all of a sudden.. but at least there's improvement. I expect more bad days, but I know the sun will shine as well!