December 30, 2013

Bye bye 2013

Goodbye 2013. You were by far the worst year of my life. I can not describe in words the pain you caused me. At the end of this year it feels like I have put you in a way too big bag and I carry you around on my shoulders. Yes the entire weight of 2013 is on my shoulders.

So I want to say goodbye to 2013 and start a new beginning. However I still have to do do two more Herceptin and that isn't easy with something so heavy holding your heart and pushing you down. But I must finish these two first. Hopefully my new year will start in February. I know I still have a lot of stuff to deal with, that huge bag among other things. But baby steps. I want to see the sun shine again. I have been crying so much, I want to smile again.

So here comes 2014 and it better be good. May it be a a healthy and a happy one for all of you! I want to pick up the pieces, find back old treasuries. Draw and paint with new colours. I want peace and balance. Bunny snuggles. Life through a lens. Here comes 2014, here comes the sun...

Updated the hair diary.

December 19, 2013

The last 2 KM

So after my adventure with the Fluvoxamine anti-depressants and talking to my psychiatrist I (we) decided to try something else. Something just for my anxiety called Pipamperon. Now you have to know I love watching The Walking Dead but actually turning into a zombie now that's a complete different story. It did exactly the opposite as the Fluvoxamine did. I do have to admit it helped with my anxiety but other than that it was horrible. I felt no joy any more. I couldn't even have a normal conversation with my parents! They said I had no facial expression. I couldn't sleep, constant head aches and I was trembling on the inside but looked numb on the outside. So freaky weird.

So for now... no more drugs.

I seriously was about to quit the last two Herceptin, that's how bad I felt. A dead battery; no energy left. But now that I quit those damn pills, okay I'm still nervous as hell... but I do feel better. I feel like myself again. I started painting in my art journal and I enjoy taking walks. Although I don't feel festive and I will be so happy when the Holidays are over... I think I need to finish this treatment even if it's a struggle.

I talked to my psychologist today. She said, "You're not going to quit 2 KM before the finish line right?"

So tomorrow is my birthday, I am turning 32. I am trying not to think about this year too much. I read somewhere, "Don't look back because you're not going into that direction", and it seems very fitting.

I think I will start my New Year in February instead of January. It will be something different for a change.

Happy Holidays to my dear readers! 
Some days there won't be a song in your heart...  SING ANYWAY!