June 24, 2014


Hello I am Ciel and I'm depressed.

So remember that my last conversation with my psych didn't really go so well and she only made me feel worse? Well we talked about that... and at first she pulled out, what I feel like were some psych tricks... but then we set things right. She explained what she meant. I told her how I interpreted her words. I think we're fine now. Except that she wants me on meds again. Again I told her no. I want to give myself a few more months to see if I can do this on my own and if not then perhaps I will talk to the psychiatrist again about medication. But seriously, I'd rather not.

Yesterday I saw my company doctor. I spent 30 minutes in his office and we had an interesting conversation. UVW came through and they are now my safety net, so I do not have to worry about money. Which is good. But my company doctor made it very clear to me that I am depressed. He actually said, "You are sick in the head". Which is completely normal, he added, after everything you have been through. But still, he thinks I need to accept my depression like I have accepted my cancer and my treatment. He has a point there.

Because I have been telling everybody I'm mentally not doing so great. That I'm emotional, vulnerable, unstable, sad, angry... but no not depressed. I don't know why this bothers me so much. It's not like I should be ashamed of this and I think I have proven I am a strong person by now. So why oh why do I not want to label myself as depressed.

The answer is I don't know. Perhaps my psych can show some light on that next time. The thing is, I am starting to doubt (fucking cancer took away my confidence) whether or not I should be taking any meds. I've tried them twice before, unsuccessfully a.ka. big disaster. Something I never ever want to experience again. But with the right kind of meds... I also understand things might be a little bit easier for me. Am I torturing myself while this is totally unnecessary?

This whole sick in the head reminded me right away of a song. It's by (Keith) Mina Caputo. Who's music has been in my life for over ten years. She actually contacted me the other day on Instagram, posting one of my photos and I also got a message on facebook which means the world to me! What a kind soul, such pure music. That goes straight to my heart. Especially now that it feels a little broken.

 Pure heart and soul, the treasures I own
Where did you go and how have you grown?
I'm sick in the head in a number of ways
I recommend a psychotherapist to clean up your brain

So I don't know, I think I'll wait for my next appointment with the psych and discuss everything again and see how I feel then. Gotta let it go for now.

Now to focus my mind on something else I bought Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith and I can recommend it to anyone! I am having lots of fun with it and it really is inspiring and creative in a unique way. I am also considering buying One Line A Day by Chronicle books. Which is a five year memory book. Right now besides this blog I don't keep a paper journal or something like that. Just my art journal. So this seems like a nice therapeutic book to start writing again. 

I also figured it was time to give my photography another chance, so I set up a Facebook page you can now like. Or you can even buy postcards in my Etsy store! Yay!

June 4, 2014

Face this

Sometimes I don't know what to share on all of these social media sites. I have been open about my disease from the beginning. But I always have been afraid people will not understand the things I post. They see pictures of me smiling together with the buns and will think I'm happy. I post pictures of my hairgrowth because I'm proud of that. I share my artwork. I show a new dress. When I share a funny picture they will think I am okay.

But... what they do not see is me sitting on the couch sobbing. Because there are no pictures of that. You don't post about the sadness of it all on facebook, now do you? The real truth is much darker. I cry A LOT, I scream and then there's a billion other emotions (no Emoji icons for that) and yes... sometimes I laugh.

I may be done with treatment but that doesn’t mean cancer doesn't still affect my life. I suppose it will always be a part of me. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind. Right now, for me that means an emotional struggle, trying to pick up the pieces while fear, grief and fatigue still play a big role.  That is what I shared with the world today. I don't really expect people to understand because they can not and never will, unless you went through the same thing. 

I hate it when people tell me they 'get my journey' because their aunt had cancer or something like that. You don't know shit. Three words: DO NOT COMPARE. Please.

I also shared some great news, because I had another mammogram today. The results were fine! So yes I can breath again. Did I mention that it hurt like hell?! Far worse than the first two times, which probably has something to do with my weight loss. But hey I am thankful for this and for each hair on my head.