April 11, 2014


Well I haven't really learned to draw the right lines yet. Again I am exhausted. When I'm tired I also turn into a cry baby. I start to go over everything and always find a billion things to worry about.

Stress has been something that pops up a lot lately. I freak out over EVERYTHING. Silly little things, they become huge inside my head and it just drives me nuts.

For example I decided the monthly Zoladex injections were too much of a burden and so my next one will be for three months. I'm already nervous about it. Because I've had barely any side effects so far and what if that changes when I get an injection for three months? What if, what if. I have to try it and just really really hope I'll be okay. I have to be okay. I couldn't do it, these injections 12 x a year... each month, it would be way too confronting. So please please let me be okay with the injections for three months, because that means I would only have to see my home doctor 4 times a year! What a big difference.

I am also feeling a bit under the weather for the first time. I have a sore throat and expect to get a cold. It goes around. But I totally freaked out about it because last time I had a sore throat I was admitted to the hospital for six days. I don't want to feel sick. I am sooo scared of actually feeling sick. Even though it is just a cold and it is nothing like chemo.... getting sick scares me so much right now.

I also have a strong trigger that goes off when I open my closet. So many clothes, so many memories. I remember exactly which hat I wore with certain outfits. I remember which sweater I wore when trying out medication. I remember every fucking little detail. So I filled two bags with clothes and gave them away. But at the same time it made me cry because I wanted to burn everything and I realized it wouldn't change a god damn thing.

So let's try to end this with some positive news. I made 25 new designs of photo cards that will go into Ann Marie's Bravery bags for chemo patients. I already had 25 designs so I now have 50 different versions and I hope they will spread a little faith and hope.

I also have been talking with an online postcard shop who are interested in bringing out a postcard set of six of my photos. Now come on that is exciting news! 

April 7, 2014


Last week I crossed my own lines. I think it took me about three days to fill up that battery again.

I saw my psych which always has a huge impact on me. I talked and cried about everything. She said that during treatment my emotions were on hold and that they are coming out now. It's not just sadness or depression, but anger and frustration as well. The thing is by not accepting... what it is... I am physically and mentally racking myself.

So then I had another visit on Wednesday at the hospital and my blood results were fine. But going there is always upsetting for me. Because everything is cancer related.

The other days I tried to pick up some pieces by going out for a while by myself. And I also visited work. I hung out with two colleagues. We sat outside on the terrace, cup of tea... it was nice. Explaining my feelings to them and where I'm at right now was tough. Of course I only start to notice this when I come home. When it's too late. But I have to learn from these things I suppose. Draw some new lines. Because it was bad.

When it's bad... I get upset about everything. The big bad monster comes out and tells me about everything that could go wrong. I feel broken. I see happy family facebook stories, I read about beautiful young people dying from cancer. It is just all so fucking wrong. People talking about their vacation and all I can think about is how to make it through another day. How I worry about the Tamoxifen and the Zoladex. Once I'm in that state of mind... there is not much I can do. Let it be. Throw it all out. Break.

After a few days I return to a more... well what should I call it? I don't have a word for it. I am a work in progress. But I realize it is wrong to compare my life to others. It isn't going to do me any good.

This is my 100th post! Milestone? Lets try to fill our hearts with what is important & be done with the rest.