July 31, 2014

Sporty spice

Yes I had a couple of days that were pretty okay. I think my psych now realizes she inspires me more when she encourages me and gives me confidence. So even though our conversations emotionally drain me, I would like to think they will help me in the future.

I actually think that people around me started to notice I might be doing a little bit better. Maybe I am scared to admit it, because another bad day is peeking around the corner. But that's because my depression is still overshadowing everything. My psych says, even that person, the one I feel is lost... is still in there. Deep down. You don't lose your core. Everything I do, or feel, my entire being... has been taken over by depression.

At first I didn't believe that because I am having good days as well! But you can be depressed and have a good day! Such an eye opener for me!  You can wake up extremely sad and emotional and go to bed that same day feeling pretty okay. These mood swings are just another sign of depression. I never knew, I never realized this. I think accepting this, and embracing it, letting it be... is the first step in healing.

Now that we're talking about taking steps. I went to this physiotherapist that specialises in people being sick and wanting to get back in shape. I have to admit our first conversation wasn't a great one. His phone kept ringing... and hello I am sitting here telling you a fucking painful story! But I decided I came this far, I bought a new comfy sporty outfit, so let's do this. Still I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to our first appointment. Which was today.  

So I always hated all of these fitness machines. That is why I always loved dance, yoga & running. But now I can officially say I walked on a treadmill. I did some exercises on a huge ball. Which was awkward. I also spent some time on the... cycle hometrainer thingie. There were so many old people, but I didn't really care about that. My physiotherapist was more in his element in this room than he was during our conversation. So that was okay I guess.

But it feels like such a big commitment. I want to feel better. I want to feel less tired. I want my head to have some peace. This whole thing is such big deal to me and it's very upsetting. Because I am 32 and I have to train with all these golden oldies. Because of all the crazy treatment and medication that fucked up my body and mind. But this is new to me. I am not good at that right now, dealing with a new environment, new people, commitment. All I can hope for is that it will make me feel better at some point. That it will give me some confidence! Perhaps that I find some joy or satisfaction?

July 12, 2014

Here comes the story of the hurricane

Everyone has a story to be told. Sometimes struggle is part of that story.

How do you feel about your home? Is it your home sweet home? Did you decorate it, picked out the furniture and the colours? Do you have lots of happy memories that make you smile. Do you picture yourself growing old in that little corner in the world that is yours. Because after all, there is no place like home?

Now picture a hurricane totally destroying that same house. Everything you built is gone, destroyed. Not just the outside but on the inside as well. Every little detail that once made you feel safe... is now gone.

That is cancer.

Exactly two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was a big fucking hurricane. So no this is not a cancerversary because I hate that word. Treatment might be over, but I'm still stuck in the middle of this crazy dystopian story. Trying to pick up and dust off, some of the pieces. A hurricane leaves quite the mess. That place, that used to be so solid, is now trembling. It is still burning. No longer do I recognize it. So lost and confused, where to begin?

Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about the outside — it's also about healing your soul. It is an emotional struggle. I read last year's post and realized I have come a long way. I am not where I want to be... but I will one day. Progress is progress, no matter how small. I think I finally feel/understand that now.

For a year and a half my life was all about getting through treatment. These days I embrace my good days, and as for the bad days I try to let them be. They say grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

July 8, 2014

Because there is still good stuff

July. Wow. What has happened to the concept of time? Crazy.

So I talked to my psych again today. It was a good one. I think. She complimented me on the small steps I have been taking over the last couple of weeks. Which felt really good. I really need inspiring, encouraging people in my life right now. I know I have to find back my confidence, and I have to do it myself. But sometimes these little things can set your mood. They can change your day and turn it into a better one.

So I told her I finally understand that I am depressed. I also told her I want to talk to the psychologist after his vacation about medication. I haven't said yes to the meds yet, but a conversation wouldn't hurt anyone.

So I still have my bad days and I feel lots of sadness inside of me. But here's a list of my little projects that might not mean much to you but for me are big steps into the right direction:

-I bought a ladder book case for my house. I have collected so much stuff and now I finally have a place to display everything! Although I still live with my parents it feels good knowing one day I'll be back on my own. When I'm ready.

-I bought an Ikea Moppe cabinet and turned it into a 'Pimp Moppe' project. I decorated the drawers with cute flower paper.

-I bough this simple pin board and turned it into a card holder/memory board. It looks so pretty and nice and I'm in love with it.

-I did start my 'One Line A Day' journal on the first of July. A few lines before I go to sleep. Empty the head.

-I have been working really hard on my Etsy store and I was able to sent off packages to England, Germany, France and The Netherlands. So proud of this!

-I love working on my Wreck This Journal, it so much fun and a great distraction! 

-I finally made an appointment at the dentist! I have been putting it off for so long.

-I love drawing and painting in my art journal.  Okay I think I basically like all kinds of craft. Could that be possible?

-Snuggling with the baby bunnies! 

-Postcrossing, snailmail, penpals... a filled mailbox makes me happy as well!

-I love nature, taking a walk... I love the green, summer, the pond with duckies. 

-I was so against it, but now I really love my Kobo e-reader. It is such a nifty little 'book'.

-Thrifting! I love finding treasures! Whether it's vinyl or a cute porcelain little bunny.

-Instagram addict. 'Nuff said.