March 31, 2015


"Leap and the net will appear." -John Burroughs
I did it!

I really did it.

One of my biggest goals for this year was to move back home into my own apartment together with my bunnies. After living with my parents for two years, the support they gave me... I have no words for that. I will be forever and ever grateful for that. They were next to me with every step I had to take.

Despite me moving out and oh my god it was very emotional... for everybody. It was the right move. The right time. Spontaneous and crazy. But I have changed and I know now, the net is there when I need it. I love my family. This whole disease has changed our ties. The connection I feel, the love, the warmth. It heals me. We cry, we laugh, we hold hands.

I've lost a lot because of cancer and I know I still have a long way to go. But I finally feel like I'm rebuilding my wings. I also know that every single emotion I felt or went through.. it had to be felt. Exactly like that. Because I have to work through it... in order to move on. The people that are no longer in my life... well that is fine. I don't need them. I'd rather surround myself with people who actually support me and inspire me.

This thing will always, always be a part of me. But finally... there is light. Love and light. And wounds are healing. Body, mind & soul. I have planted a seed and it's going to grow and bloom. There will still be bad days. Depressing stormy rainy days... but they will pass.

I think I'm finally benefiting from the anti-depressants and the Mindfulness training I went to... it all lead to taking this step forward. So we keep moving forward... because that's the way it works. Climbing the mountain... while running into some bumps every now and then. 

So here's to spring & new beginnings.

March 7, 2015

I have a thing for lists

+ I had 5 sessions of the Mindfulness training so far and it has been good! I'm so glad I took the big jump and went for it. I love the meditations techniques, the way how it's actually a lifestyle. It changes your perspective, even though it's hard and it goes very slowly. But this is something that is close to my heart. Definitely. I can recommend it. Whether you've dealt with cancer or not, depression or anxiety or stress at work.. or simply feel the need to take a deep breath. Check it out!

+ I spent a couple of afternoons at my own place. Watching TV, drinking tea, a walking meditation through the neighbourhood, rearranging my livingroom. AND I even brought the bunnies with me twice! It was so cute and emotional and it brought back so many memories. I love these sweet fur babies. Hopping through the house, finding back their old favourite spots. Next step: spending a night in my own bed. My psychiatrist told me that I still have some mourning to do, but there's only one place where I can do this and that is my home. I guess that makes sense and all. So it is not going to be easy, but eventually things will get better and I hope to feel more confident about myself.

+ I am trying to get of the couch and set new goals. So I went to the Kröller-Müller Museum with my dad and saw work of Picasso, Monet and Van Gogh! I was nervous and tired... but I did it. I also went to this children's farm/petting zoo with my parents. Hey never too old for these things. I refuse to grow up especially when I hug a goat. It was wonderful! I love animals! We also went to this beautiful protected nature area for a windy walk and it was good. Fresh air!

+ Another thing that was really important to me was visiting my friend who had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was really looking forward to seeing her and her first daughter as well. So cute! So it was good talking to her and I had a lovely afternoon with lots of smiles. 

+ I also had one of my favourite little visitors coming over, my colleague's son. Who is just adorable and we played on the ground and had fun. 

+ I also celebrated Lola's 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Furbabies, they grow up so faaast! 

- The bad stuff. I'm still struggling with my anti-depressants. I am now using a mix of Citalopram and Mirtazapine and the side effects for the last four weeks have been awful. I did lots and lots of crying. I have been feeling like crap. Emotional, vulnerable, scared. I'm meeting with my psychiatrist next week so I'm hoping it either goes better by then and otherwise we have to talk about our next step. Perhaps I need to take a break from meds because I'm so tired. But this scares me as well, because I really could use some 'help' with the big steps in recovery I still have to take. We'll see, we'll see. 

+ I'd like to finish with something positive. At Mindfulness training we had to keep a list of positive things that happened during the day for a week. Because we often remember the bad stuff and neglect the good happy tiny pleasures in our life. I actually felt really good about this and decided to go on with it. I found a wonderful app called Gratitude356. Practising gratitude has been scientifically proven! You can check it out here if you're interested. Give it a try!