June 21, 2016

First day of summer

I keep thinking I need to update.. but then I start reading my own blog. Page after page, words written by me. How those three years changed my entire life. How I handled things. A horror story. Yet written with humour and sarcasm. The medical facts, the struggles and the forgotten memories. Broken to the core. But hopeful and creative.

I'm just so thankful I started this blog almost four years ago now. It feels quite amazing reading, experiencing, looking back. It was such a long dark road.

I think it helps to heal. The road to recovery and remembering where you came from, it'll give new insights. Today. Matters. The here. The now.

I had my annual mammogram a few weeks ago. That feeling, that you'll never be able to shake this off, will start creeping and haunting you a couple of weeks before the date. Nervous Nellie here she comes. Sometimes I barely notice it but the tension in my entire body says enough. This time it was a little chaotic, new hospital wing, they were running late, long waiting hours.  But she called out my name and that is my cue. Strip down. And smash those boobies. They hurt me so much this time. The mammogram actually left me with several bruises on my breasts. It is such a fucking torture. They need to come up with something different here. We can go to Mars but not come up with a new boobie machine?! Anyway after waiting some more I got to go home and she told me everything looked fine! I just felt extremely tired that moment, I had a nagging headache. I was relieved but not happy. I think the tension builds up so much you need to get rid off it before you can feel happiness again. The next day I had another appointment with the mammacare nurse and she confirmed as well everything looked fine. The day after that I was able to finally feel happy again (and bought myself a new bag and ordered Chinese food yessss).

Work is going quite well for me. The short version is that I decided to jump (once more) and I started working as a secretary again. Same division, different building, different people. It was hard at first... but I think it helps me as well. I'm way more visible as a secretary, can not really hide behind anything anymore. I get to meet new people, I run into former colleagues.. people who know me and my story, people I don't know but know my story (well or so they think). It is a bit of a weird experience. All the responses you get. The super weird and sometimes very intimate questions. Sometimes it is hard and I'm freaked out about it.. but I'm also able to deal with it. I'm getting stronger. I enjoy spending time with colleagues, silly office humour, the teasing, the smiles... it is good for me.  It really helps picking up the pieces for a 'normal' everyday life. I enjoy working for my boss. To be able to assist him, to help other people by doing my job. It helps with the confidence to feel useful.

Today I talked to my psych.. about many things. We are now working towards closure. I will have a few more appointments and then in December we'll try to finish and have our last one. It feels good. It really does. I'm coming to terms with things. I have come so far, and I especially realize this when reading this blog. She complimented me on this as well, I have changed so much in the last few years. Slowly, slowly I'm getting there. Finding back old pieces and creating new stories. The glue is holding it all together.

I have a vacation coming up. Which feels a bit weird because when I had my last vacation, this thing all started and I did not come back for like three years. I hope I'll be able to enjoy it after a few days. Reintegrating is pretty exhausting and it should be good. Relax a little nervous Nellie.

I do have something special planned... which I'm definitely going to write about more. You see my eyebrows never grew back after chemo. Like 5 hairs... quite sad. I'm getting so sick of drawing them on my face every morning ugh. Sometimes I'm scared I'll smudge them or when walking in the rain they will fall off. Tough life. So... I found this amazing woman who does cosmetic and medical tattoos. And she is going to tattoo my eyebrows with this special 3D microblading technique. Apart from the radiation dots I have no other tattoos. So I'm really excited about this.. but also a bit nervous! I mean, come on it must hurt to have a tattoo in your face right?! But I'll be so happy afterwards, waking up in the morning with the perfect brows! Will keep you posted!