December 7, 2015

This is her fight song

I have been back at work for about three months now. I'm currently working three mornings at the office and I'm planning on making some extra hours at home. It still is a struggle. There are times when I'm really happy to be back. To be a part of 'something'. Complain about the weather or the computers. We talk about pets, silly things.. office humor. But I'm struggling with the damage cancer left and the current side effects. The fatigue, the joint pain and the mood swings. I try not to let it rule my world. But I have to make it a part of my daily routine some how. Which is hard.

Yeah it IS hard. Sorry, but I'm not sorry for saying that out loud. My company doctor basically called me a 'pessimist' the other day. I don't really think he understands the power this disease can have over you. Our worlds are far appart.  And that's okay. But don't you sit there in your fucking chair and judge me. Because I've seen more dark places you can ever imagine. However we agreed to keep my working hours the same for the rest of the year. I need to find some sort of rhythm, balance, peace. JOY!

Today I saw my oncologist. He told me that because of recent research it is now proven I would have benefits (like +2%) from using the Tamoxifen for 10 years instead of 5. They're not quite sure about the Zoladex yet though. So it looks like me and 'menopause' are going to be together for... a long time. Tamoxifen is the first hormonal therapy medicine choice for postmenopausal women so of course this puts me at ease. But it's also quite a lot to take in. I think I'm going to focus on the first 5 years (it will be 2 in February 2016) and will deal with the rest when I have to.

I will leave you some links that I actually found pretty interesting and perhaps you will feel the same!
  • What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? You definitely must read this!
  • This designer was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma at age 24, going through nine months of chemo and radiation before going into remission. She designed the cards she wishes she's received from friends and family. 
  • "Give yourself time to be sad, frustrated, and angry. Give yourself time to heal, accept, and to grow. Time doesn’t erase anything, but it can provide you with enough space to be able to breathe again. And then one day you wake up and your heart has a little bit of sunshine in it. And day by day people offer you pieces of their hearts to help remake your own. Allow yourself to be where you are at, to feel what you are feeling, and to experience everything that means. And during this process, look and listen for that glimmer of hope. It is there, I promise. And it is waiting for you to see it. Because one of the most beautiful things about humans is their capacity to heal, grow, and survive. Facing it. That is how you get through." - Jessica Jensen
  • If you want to spread some kindness but don't know where to begin, join the Card Bombers Anonymous and become a Kindness Ninja! 
  •  You MUST watch this if you need a little something to lift your spirit. Will make you cry, that's a promise!