The trial

I went to see my oncologist with a picture in my head of how it all was going to be. But for a second I forgot things never go the way you plan them.

My blood work came back fine. Everything looked normal. Which is always a relieve to hear. 

I was going to say yes to the Tamoxifen and no to the Zoladex.

But my onc says we're dealing here with European guidelines. Basically it's all or nothing. First you try the whole package. If you can't handle that for whatever reason, then you look at other options.

So I have my first box of Tamoxifen at home now. Tomorrow my family doctor will give me my first shot of Zoladex (for a month, not three months like it's normally given).

I said yes. To the whole package. Because I know I can never live with myself if I said no. Do I have faith? Do I really believe I will be able to take these meds for five years? I hardly can to be honest. I know that isn't a good start. But my response to medication in the past has been well... upsetting. Definitely causing some traumatic experiences. I am SO scared to get sick. How ironic is that? These pills should prevent me from getting sick. But at the same time... they have terrible side effects.

I know, I know some people are taking them without much trouble. But because of my experiences with Herceptin and other drugs... I just feel this WILL BE the next bad experience. I am just so scared and sad. I wish it would all go away *poof* like that.

My onc told me that if I make it through all of this pain I will still have the scars. But in the end I will become a different person because of it; better and stronger. Even more interesting and colourful. I want that. I really really want all of that. I really feel like I am going through the pain. I know I am not hiding from it. But it's all taking so much time and patience and energy. It's exhausting to live your life like that. A constant struggle.

Anyway I have an appointment with my onc in five weeks and we'll discuss how everything is going. If I can't handle it we'll look at other options or perhaps I will quit the whole damn thing. A month. I'm giving myself one month. 

Hair diary update. 

Decisions

So is this the last chapter where I am going to break my head over? The hormones estrogen and progesterone can stimulate the growth of some breast cancers. Hormone therapy is used to stop or slow the growth of these tumors.

In my case I was told to take the medicine Tamoxifen as a 5 year adjuvant treatment. I am seeing my oncologist Wednesday to talk about this.

Of course there's a catch here. The 1001 side effects... that come along with bringing a 32 old body in menopause. The risk of uterus cancer. The pressure that comes with taking medication like that, physically and mentally. Just to name a few things I am worrying about.

I also came to realize I am scared. Scared of taking another pill. I have been a 'patient' and sick for a year and a half and I'm done with it. I want my life back. I don't want to feel like a 80 year old. There's such thing as quality of life.

So I have read many stories on the internet (too many). Of course the ones where people succeed and actually take this pill for five years are few and whenever I read one it doesn't stick with me. No it's the bad ones that keep going through my head. The side effects. Because if anybody knows it's me, pills come with side effects. I am so tired. I don't know how much more of this shit I can handle.

Do I have enough energy left to get my hopes up once more?!

At some point enough is enough. 

So I have decisions to make. I made a list with all of my questions and will come prepared as always. I will talk to my oncologist and I trust him, I have faith in him. But in the end it will be my decision.

Meeting the oncologist

Today I had my first appointment with my oncologist. Appointments that are never easy. These are the moments where you have to face the facts over and over again.

The facts: the tumor is gone. When I do absolutely nothing I have a 80% chance of living my life like a normal person. When I go through all the treatment (the full package) the survival rate goes up to more than 90%. So a girl does what a girl gotta do. Two weeks after finishing radiation I will start my first chemo. I will get 8 rounds of chemo and 13 rounds of Herceptin (in cancer land we call this: 4x AC, 4x TH and 13x H). So you do the math... this means this whole thing is going to keep me busy for more than a year.

I sort of knew. But when you're being told like that.. well it's not easy. "It's not going to be easy", my oncologist said. He was convinced my body was able to handle it all, but being fit mentally is just as important. If I need help, all I have to do is ask. He seemed like a very nice and calm guy who makes time for you. Absolutely willing to answer all of my questions. He also knew exactly when to make a joke. After I told him I google a lot for information about breast cancer he asked me whether or not I googled him as well (haha I am so going to now).

I seriously want to focus on my radiation. But it's so hard because there is so much other information and preparations you have to deal with (dentist, ENT specialist, the wig and so on and on). It just never stops.

The plan

So what are your plans for the future? Well I'll be fighting cancer. I've had my appointment with the surgeon and it was another long and confronting talk.

Let's start with the good news: after more research the sentinel lymph node was again negative for cancer. The tumor was 1.8 cm and was removed completely. So goodbye to you little fucker. The wounds/scars are healing and I do feel somewhat better. 

The bad news is that it was a grade 3 cancer. Obviously a high grade aggressive cancer that grows faster and is more likely to spread. This means lots and lots of treatment. Not only was my tumor hormone-receptor positive but it was also found her2-positive (a protein thing).

So in short this is the plan:

1) Within 4-6 weeks I will start radiation therapy. About 25-30 times. Probably 5 times a week.
2) My chemo will start about two weeks after finishing radiation therapy (hopefully about 6-8 times).
3) During the chemo my herceptin will start and will continue after finishing chemo (not sure yet how many times but probably a lot). Herceptin has far fewer immediate side effects than chemotherapy. For example, there is usually no nausea or hair loss. However, there is a small but real risk of heart damage and possible lung damage.
4) Last but not least: hormone blocking therapy for five years.

So yeah.. that's a lot. To handle. For one person. I'm pretty scared of how my body is going to cope with all of this. Not to mention the mind. But it's not like I have a choice. So crazy medical roller coaster... here I come.