July 6, 2017

Love

I haven't posted in almost a year. My cancer diagnosis was about five years ago. I almost can not believe it.

Time is such an amazing concept. Time helps to heal, just not all wounds. Sometimes it seems like a movie I once saw. Sometimes it only seems like yesterday. I find it important to look back and reflect on how far I have come (reading through journal posts, going through photos). It also seems right to move on when you're able to let go. It is such a process. So different and unique. So dark and yet filled with hope until things brighten up and the light gets in.

I will never ever be thankful for getting cancer. I will hate it more than anything in the world. But I accept that its part of my story now. That it has changed me as a person and that I'm growing into this person that I want to be. Even though it is a daily struggle. I feel emotional and vulnerable. It is never easy. I am soul searching for my dreams. I'm aware of life around me. I'm fighting the shadows. I'm setting my priorities straight. And perhaps the best of all, I found love and I have so much love to give.

About a year ago I decided it was time for a change.. I did chemo, I can do a dating site right?! I met this vegetarian boy and we hit it off with long emails, whats app and facetime conversations. We ignored every rule from the dating handbook. I told him almost right away about my illness and he gets most of it because he's a general practitioner, a family doctor. We didn't meet in a bar for the first time but at my place because we were already that comfortable with each other.

We've been together for nine months and I have made some amazing personal progress. There are times I can literally feel my soul is healing. Love is like spring. Everything is in bloom. It's because of him I am able to look at the future again and feel good about it. My poor broken body is getting to know love, softness and positive attention. Instead of being bullied with drugs and needles. He is incredibly funny and makes me laugh all the time. We're both super weird. He is sweet, sensitive and caring and has a beautiful soul. He makes me so happy (smile-like-an-idiot-happy) and I can not wait to go on new adventures together with him. 

My energy level is still a tough one. But I'm planning my life and adjusting to the situation as it is. I'm hoping for it to improve as more years go by. When I finish the Tamoxifen/Zoladex in a year and half I'm sure it'll get better as well.

I have been questioning what I want to do with my life lately. I'm quite sure I do not want to be a secretary anymore. So where do I go from here? I have some soul searching to do... and I will take my time and figure it all out. Because I can.

I'm thinking this would be a nice post to end this blog with. Although my story continues. Sometimes it is time to let go...

Sending you all much love...

P.S. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or feel the need to talk.

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