November 27, 2013

It's a milestone

My very first official haircut!

It seemed worth a post after all the drama.

November 25, 2013

Got any power left?

Anti-depressants + me = bad idea.

So I will keep this short because it is what it is. But I do feel like I have to share my story and well, this too is part of it.

The side effects that usually occur the first two weeks started to kick in the second day. Even though I was only on 25mg. It was bad. I've never experienced anything like it before. Basically the next four days I spent on the couch crying hysterically. That anxious, nervous feeling I felt before, double it by 3x. I felt nauseau all the time. The Lorazepam I was taking as well did not calm me down. I was so upset and I felt like my head was about to explode.

The thing that scared me most was that Herceptin #14 was coming up. I knew I couldn't do it, not like this. I was a mess.

So after five days I called my doctor and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't live like this for another two weeks and hoping and keeping my fingers crossed the medication would work within 6 weeks. That's no life. Not for me at least, not after everything I've already been through. I need something, and I need it now. So he said it was okay to quit of course, but it would be couple of days before everything was out my system.

So Herceptin #14 was horrible. I was so god damn nervous. Which involves lots of crying and choking. But I made it through another one. Now there's three left. Three. I suppose I have to find a little strenght to finish these last. But seriously, this is not normal. I just wish I could snap my fingers and *poof* cancer gone. Cancer you need to be gone. Out of this fucking world. Nobody, young or old, should have to deal with you. Did I mention how fucking much I hate you?!

Updates: my crazy hair which I have no longer control over. 

November 15, 2013

Just an ordinary week

I saw my psychologist. For some reason I feel our conversations are getting harder for me. Perhaps because she is getting to know me. Our discussions are intense and confronting. My head is a mess when I leave her office. I try to be completely open though, and tell her what is on my mind. Even though it hurts so much. "I don't know whether it's my soul or my heart", I told her, "but it physically hurts." It's oh so heavy. There's a circle of darkness and it needs to be broken.

I found out my appointment with my psychiatrist wasn't scheduled for Friday like I thought it was. He called me later that day and told me it was his fault and we made a new appointment. Fortunately he still had some time left on Friday. 

Visiting my oncologist is always a big deal. I prepare myself very well with a list of questions. He told me that he's a bit worried about me starting the Tamoxifen with the state of mind I am currently in. Because it causes depression. So we agreed to wait until I finish my Herceptin in January and we will meet again in February to see how I am doing. I am actually feeling quite relieved about that. Even though he told me I am not an average patient and sometimes you have to mix up the protocols a bit to make it work. He also told me I should be so proud of myself I finished chemo. Herceptin, only four left. It should make a stronger person.

I am always so happy to undress for him ha! Does that sound weird?! I think if you're a bc cancer patient you'll understand. He checks my breasts and lymph nodes and everything looked fine. I am always incredibly relieved after that. He asked me whether I checked myself. I told him I did, but the one where I've had surgery on just feels weird and I never know what to think of it.

He also told my mother I was a bit of 'special' one. He obviously thinks I'm a bit different than his other patients I am not sure why. It must be because of the photography and the art I think. He's probably also amused by the fact I do so much research on the internet.

So then my mother came up with the idea to do another blood test and my onc agreed. Wonderful. So off we went. In the waiting room I told her that my onc asked me whether or not I checked my breasts. But it was a bit loud in there and she didn't understand what I was saying. Next to me was this huuuuge bald guy so I whispered again; "He asked me whether or not I checked my breasts". My mum still did not understand so I got annoyed and all of a sudden yelled, "HE ASKED IF I CHECK MY BOOBIES!" The big bald guy started laughing and his face turned all red. It was so aaawkward.

So you guys know I started taking calcium because of the whole osteoporosis thing I mentioned a few posts ago.Well apparently calcium has side effects too because I was having diarhoea and cramps for a week now. I called with the nurse and she told me to stop taking them for a while and she will call me back in three weeks. We can either lower the dose or perhaps start taking them every other day. Are you fucking seriously?! Is there any medication out there WITHOUT side effects?! I am so god damn tired of this shit.

To end the week I had another appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about anti-depressants. I did some research in advance, even talked to my own pharmacist. Eventually we both came up with the same name. It's an anti-depressant that, once I start taking Tamoxifen, won't mess with it. Complicated stuff. I will start with 25mg this week and will double my dose next week. I am so scared. Scared of yes, side effects. But it's worth the try. So please keep you fingers crossed for me this thing is going to work without too much trouble. Because I've had it with everything. Please let this be my happy pill. No seriously, just some peace, some breathing... breaking that damn circle.