November 15, 2013

Just an ordinary week

I saw my psychologist. For some reason I feel our conversations are getting harder for me. Perhaps because she is getting to know me. Our discussions are intense and confronting. My head is a mess when I leave her office. I try to be completely open though, and tell her what is on my mind. Even though it hurts so much. "I don't know whether it's my soul or my heart", I told her, "but it physically hurts." It's oh so heavy. There's a circle of darkness and it needs to be broken.

I found out my appointment with my psychiatrist wasn't scheduled for Friday like I thought it was. He called me later that day and told me it was his fault and we made a new appointment. Fortunately he still had some time left on Friday. 

Visiting my oncologist is always a big deal. I prepare myself very well with a list of questions. He told me that he's a bit worried about me starting the Tamoxifen with the state of mind I am currently in. Because it causes depression. So we agreed to wait until I finish my Herceptin in January and we will meet again in February to see how I am doing. I am actually feeling quite relieved about that. Even though he told me I am not an average patient and sometimes you have to mix up the protocols a bit to make it work. He also told me I should be so proud of myself I finished chemo. Herceptin, only four left. It should make a stronger person.

I am always so happy to undress for him ha! Does that sound weird?! I think if you're a bc cancer patient you'll understand. He checks my breasts and lymph nodes and everything looked fine. I am always incredibly relieved after that. He asked me whether I checked myself. I told him I did, but the one where I've had surgery on just feels weird and I never know what to think of it.

He also told my mother I was a bit of 'special' one. He obviously thinks I'm a bit different than his other patients I am not sure why. It must be because of the photography and the art I think. He's probably also amused by the fact I do so much research on the internet.

So then my mother came up with the idea to do another blood test and my onc agreed. Wonderful. So off we went. In the waiting room I told her that my onc asked me whether or not I checked my breasts. But it was a bit loud in there and she didn't understand what I was saying. Next to me was this huuuuge bald guy so I whispered again; "He asked me whether or not I checked my breasts". My mum still did not understand so I got annoyed and all of a sudden yelled, "HE ASKED IF I CHECK MY BOOBIES!" The big bald guy started laughing and his face turned all red. It was so aaawkward.

So you guys know I started taking calcium because of the whole osteoporosis thing I mentioned a few posts ago.Well apparently calcium has side effects too because I was having diarhoea and cramps for a week now. I called with the nurse and she told me to stop taking them for a while and she will call me back in three weeks. We can either lower the dose or perhaps start taking them every other day. Are you fucking seriously?! Is there any medication out there WITHOUT side effects?! I am so god damn tired of this shit.

To end the week I had another appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about anti-depressants. I did some research in advance, even talked to my own pharmacist. Eventually we both came up with the same name. It's an anti-depressant that, once I start taking Tamoxifen, won't mess with it. Complicated stuff. I will start with 25mg this week and will double my dose next week. I am so scared. Scared of yes, side effects. But it's worth the try. So please keep you fingers crossed for me this thing is going to work without too much trouble. Because I've had it with everything. Please let this be my happy pill. No seriously, just some peace, some breathing... breaking that damn circle.


  1. My fingers are crossed!

    I had to "lol" (can't imagine I'm writing this) about the big bald guy :) I think I haven't checked my boob since I had the biopsy. I had more sonograms than usual (I wanted that, I'm lucky I didn't get a bill from my health insurance yet), my next appointment is in a month. After that I'll start checking again. I do feel a pain in it every now and again, which I had before too. That's weird but I just start thinking it's normal.

    Take care and good luck with your happy pill <3

  2. Hope your medication is working for you. I was prescribed something that interacted with Tamoxifen, I've used it in the past before BC, but my pharmacist picked up the interaction. I've been prescribed something different but after three days of feeling spacey and wondering if I should be driving I stopped. My biggest issue is not depression but anxiety - it doesn't take much for me to get anxious over things that shouldn't matter. So, off to get something else to try the next time I see my Dr. Hope things are picking up for you, Cath

  3. In de zoektocht naar de passende nabehandeling en diverse bijwerkingen van de tamixofen, bleek voor mij kwaliteit van leven belangrijker dan statistisch gezien een paar procent meer overlevingskans. Of het de juiste keuze is geweest, zal ik nooit weten, aangezien ook de nabehandeling toekomstige terugkeer van de kanker niet kan uitsluiten. Wat het voor mij wel de gevoelsmatige beste keuze maakte en elke dag steeds weer wordt bevestigd, is dat ik na het stoppen met de Tamixofen, langzaam maar zeker mezelf weer terug vond. Zowel fysiek als mentaal. De oncoloog was niet te spreken over mijn besluit, maar ik ben elke dag steeds weer blij en overtuigd van mijn keuze. Liever tien jaar korter leven in een lijf en mind waarin ik mezelf herken, dan tien jaar langer leven in een schim van wat ik vroeger was. Maar dat is een hele persoonlijke keuze. Veel sterkte, kracht en moed in en met deze worsteling. X