November 25, 2013

Got any power left?

Anti-depressants + me = bad idea.

So I will keep this short because it is what it is. But I do feel like I have to share my story and well, this too is part of it.

The side effects that usually occur the first two weeks started to kick in the second day. Even though I was only on 25mg. It was bad. I've never experienced anything like it before. Basically the next four days I spent on the couch crying hysterically. That anxious, nervous feeling I felt before, double it by 3x. I felt nauseau all the time. The Lorazepam I was taking as well did not calm me down. I was so upset and I felt like my head was about to explode.

The thing that scared me most was that Herceptin #14 was coming up. I knew I couldn't do it, not like this. I was a mess.

So after five days I called my doctor and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't live like this for another two weeks and hoping and keeping my fingers crossed the medication would work within 6 weeks. That's no life. Not for me at least, not after everything I've already been through. I need something, and I need it now. So he said it was okay to quit of course, but it would be couple of days before everything was out my system.

So Herceptin #14 was horrible. I was so god damn nervous. Which involves lots of crying and choking. But I made it through another one. Now there's three left. Three. I suppose I have to find a little strenght to finish these last. But seriously, this is not normal. I just wish I could snap my fingers and *poof* cancer gone. Cancer you need to be gone. Out of this fucking world. Nobody, young or old, should have to deal with you. Did I mention how fucking much I hate you?!

Updates: my crazy hair which I have no longer control over. 


  1. Oh, this is not what I wanted to read. This sucks so much!

    1. Yes that is what I thought! It sucked big time!

  2. Lieve Ciel,
    Vind het zo ontzettend naar voor je dat de antidepressiva zo slecht voor je heeft uitgepakt. Ondanks dat heb je toch weer een Herceptin kuur gehad en ben je weer een stap verder. Ik geef je een hele dikke digi knuffel en denk aan je... <3 liefs!