First day of summer

I keep thinking I need to update.. but then I start reading my own blog. Page after page, words written by me. How those three years changed my entire life. How I handled things. A horror story. Yet written with humour and sarcasm. The medical facts, the struggles and the forgotten memories. Broken to the core. But hopeful and creative.

I'm just so thankful I started this blog almost four years ago now. It feels quite amazing reading, experiencing, looking back. It was such a long dark road.

I think it helps to heal. The road to recovery and remembering where you came from, it'll give new insights. Today. Matters. The here. The now.

I had my annual mammogram a few weeks ago. That feeling, that you'll never be able to shake this off, will start creeping and haunting you a couple of weeks before the date. Nervous Nellie here she comes. Sometimes I barely notice it but the tension in my entire body says enough. This time it was a little chaotic, new hospital wing, they were running late, long waiting hours.  But she called out my name and that is my cue. Strip down. And smash those boobies. They hurt me so much this time. The mammogram actually left me with several bruises on my breasts. It is such a fucking torture. They need to come up with something different here. We can go to Mars but not come up with a new boobie machine?! Anyway after waiting some more I got to go home and she told me everything looked fine! I just felt extremely tired that moment, I had a nagging headache. I was relieved but not happy. I think the tension builds up so much you need to get rid off it before you can feel happiness again. The next day I had another appointment with the mammacare nurse and she confirmed as well everything looked fine. The day after that I was able to finally feel happy again (and bought myself a new bag and ordered Chinese food yessss).

Work is going quite well for me. The short version is that I decided to jump (once more) and I started working as a secretary again. Same division, different building, different people. It was hard at first... but I think it helps me as well. I'm way more visible as a secretary, can not really hide behind anything anymore. I get to meet new people, I run into former colleagues.. people who know me and my story, people I don't know but know my story (well or so they think). It is a bit of a weird experience. All the responses you get. The super weird and sometimes very intimate questions. Sometimes it is hard and I'm freaked out about it.. but I'm also able to deal with it. I'm getting stronger. I enjoy spending time with colleagues, silly office humour, the teasing, the smiles... it is good for me.  It really helps picking up the pieces for a 'normal' everyday life. I enjoy working for my boss. To be able to assist him, to help other people by doing my job. It helps with the confidence to feel useful.

Today I talked to my psych.. about many things. We are now working towards closure. I will have a few more appointments and then in December we'll try to finish and have our last one. It feels good. It really does. I'm coming to terms with things. I have come so far, and I especially realize this when reading this blog. She complimented me on this as well, I have changed so much in the last few years. Slowly, slowly I'm getting there. Finding back old pieces and creating new stories. The glue is holding it all together.

I have a vacation coming up. Which feels a bit weird because when I had my last vacation, this thing all started and I did not come back for like three years. I hope I'll be able to enjoy it after a few days. Reintegrating is pretty exhausting and it should be good. Relax a little nervous Nellie.

I do have something special planned... which I'm definitely going to write about more. You see my eyebrows never grew back after chemo. Like 5 hairs... quite sad. I'm getting so sick of drawing them on my face every morning ugh. Sometimes I'm scared I'll smudge them or when walking in the rain they will fall off. Tough life. So... I found this amazing woman who does cosmetic and medical tattoos. And she is going to tattoo my eyebrows with this special 3D microblading technique. Apart from the radiation dots I have no other tattoos. So I'm really excited about this.. but also a bit nervous! I mean, come on it must hurt to have a tattoo in your face right?! But I'll be so happy afterwards, waking up in the morning with the perfect brows! Will keep you posted!

The real world

I think it is time for me to write a little update and tell you I took another big step. Big as in huge. I went back to work. Can you believe it?! A year ago the thought of work alone would have me breaking down and now I'm doing it.

I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?

So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!

Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.

I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't  even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.

My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.

P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY! 

(En)joy!

Summer has officially started and it's raining cats and dogs. So I'm on my laptop, listening to some music while staring out of the window. I'm home.

I have been back at my place for about three months now and although I still have crappy days... it feels good to be able to take care of myself.

I actually feel like I have been able to really 'enjoy' things. Fresh flowers on the  balcony or in my home. Saturday movie nights with the bunnies. Simple walks through my neighbourhood or bike rides to the farmer's market. Shopping and lunch dates with my sister. The birds checking out the new birdhouse on my balcony. Getting another haircut. Cooking and trying new recipes. Talking to my bestie from High school who I had not spoken to in over ten years! Doing yoga with my Tara Styles DVDs. Restyling my home and finding a new coffee table while thrifting. Having my retired colleague over for a visit. And of course there's always a creative craft project to work on!

I still feel very fragile and vulnerable though. I'm easily swept of my feet by other people's thoughts or cancer related news on the TV. But hey, I have been through a lot and I'm okay, even though sometimes I'm not. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. Sometimes your heart needs more time to understand what your brain already knows. So lets be patient with ourselves. Embrace ourselves and the strange things that make our weird big heart happy. Stop comparing ourselves to other people. We are all beautiful and unique.

I also had my annual check-up which is always a nerve-wrecking thing. I get nervous and come up with these horrible scenarios about three weeks before the actual mammogram date. But I went in, chin up.. smashed boobies afterwards... and I was told everything looked fine. So that was quite a relieve as you can imagine and I celebrated with ice cream and cake. My treat.

I try to remember myself we have no control over the future. Later is now. We really do not need a lot to be happy. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, your health, flowers, books to read, furry paws, a cozy home and to love and be loved. Joy must be the most magnetic force in the universe.