October 23, 2015
It's been a while since I picked up my Canon. Before I got sick I spent a fair amount of time working on my photography. I loved to create dreamy photographs with interesting themes. Topics that inspired me and got me out of my comfort zone. It was such a huge part of my life. So when I got sick.. and I mean really really sick - when going through chemo it helped me so much. It was my lifeguard. My outlet. My canvas. Those photos are still very personal and intimate to me. You can view the series here: Chemo Chronicles.
During recovery I reached a point where I couldn't watch myself in any photographs, creative or snapshot. It was just all way too confronting. All I could see was the pain. The destruction.
Recovery is a process. Not a day goes by I'm not working hard on healing my body, mind and soul. And that's a tough thing to do. It's exhausting. I get angry at times, I feel lonely sometimes. But I keep climbing that mountain because I want to reach the top and enjoy the view.
So even though I already felt exhausted.. today I picked up my camera and went on a photowalk. I forgot what that was like... nature, me, muddy shoes, putting your tripod in dog shit, things like that. Deep fresh breathe of air. The birds. The sun light. The silence. Although I'm not completely comfortable in my body right now (I've gained some weight because of the Tamoxifen AND the anti-depressants) I took these photos like I used to. And I think they mean a lot.
They stand for healing. Acceptance. Let that river in. Go with the flow.