July 31, 2014

Sporty spice

Yes I had a couple of days that were pretty okay. I think my psych now realizes she inspires me more when she encourages me and gives me confidence. So even though our conversations emotionally drain me, I would like to think they will help me in the future.

I actually think that people around me started to notice I might be doing a little bit better. Maybe I am scared to admit it, because another bad day is peeking around the corner. But that's because my depression is still overshadowing everything. My psych says, even that person, the one I feel is lost... is still in there. Deep down. You don't lose your core. Everything I do, or feel, my entire being... has been taken over by depression.

At first I didn't believe that because I am having good days as well! But you can be depressed and have a good day! Such an eye opener for me!  You can wake up extremely sad and emotional and go to bed that same day feeling pretty okay. These mood swings are just another sign of depression. I never knew, I never realized this. I think accepting this, and embracing it, letting it be... is the first step in healing.

Now that we're talking about taking steps. I went to this physiotherapist that specialises in people being sick and wanting to get back in shape. I have to admit our first conversation wasn't a great one. His phone kept ringing... and hello I am sitting here telling you a fucking painful story! But I decided I came this far, I bought a new comfy sporty outfit, so let's do this. Still I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to our first appointment. Which was today.  

So I always hated all of these fitness machines. That is why I always loved dance, yoga & running. But now I can officially say I walked on a treadmill. I did some exercises on a huge ball. Which was awkward. I also spent some time on the... cycle hometrainer thingie. There were so many old people, but I didn't really care about that. My physiotherapist was more in his element in this room than he was during our conversation. So that was okay I guess.

But it feels like such a big commitment. I want to feel better. I want to feel less tired. I want my head to have some peace. This whole thing is such big deal to me and it's very upsetting. Because I am 32 and I have to train with all these golden oldies. Because of all the crazy treatment and medication that fucked up my body and mind. But this is new to me. I am not good at that right now, dealing with a new environment, new people, commitment. All I can hope for is that it will make me feel better at some point. That it will give me some confidence! Perhaps that I find some joy or satisfaction?

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