August 3, 2014

Rain grows flowers

Just before I went to sleep last night I checked my phone and stumbled upon this message on facebook about people with a lumpectomy that did have a reoccurrence. 

Try getting some sleep then. 

I actually realized that I haven't been thinking that much about reoccurrence. I think I have that hidden somewhere deep down inside of me and I don't want to think about it. But last night that door was set open.Wide open.

It totally freaked me out. What would happend if I had to relive my worst nightmare all over again?

Forever and always my biggest fear will be that my cancer may return. 

So there I was in the middle of the night. A silent, yet paralyzing fear that I felt in my soul, in my bones and heart. Creeping and crawling. I told myself I was okay and kept repeating that.

I stood infront of my window, trying to get some fresh air. Without my glasses the world looked so blurry and dark. As a photographer what do you do when life looks blurry through the viewfinder? You adjust your focus.

It's weird how everything seems worse at night. Because I don't want to feel like that again. I have been disappointed by people as well. Cancer is isolation and loneliness. 

But hey who's in charge here? It's little ol' me. I need to make some changes. Some decisions that are good for me. Be selfish with myself.

Because if a certain person/website/board/social media/... or whatever it is that is making you feel bad... it is time to cut them out

Simple as that. 

I am going to focus on things that make me happy. Sweet people that are loyal and true and are helping me to feel better. Love is stronger than fear. So I am going to try and love really hard. 

I know I already took some small steps... I want to fill my heart with what is important to me and be done with the rest. Starting another blog where I write about other things than my disease is one of them. You can check it out here: Tea with Bunnies.  

Courage, dear heart. Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Be happy with what you have, while working for the things you want. Time and patience are your best friends.

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