Heavy emotional baggage

While the rest of the world seems busy with their ice buckets I have been struggling on the treadmill and lifting weights. Heavy.

So this whole physiotherapy training thing isn't really going well. Physically, I can handle it. But I absolutely hate the place, how it makes me feel being there. The confrontation. The commitment freaks me out. So mentally... I'm not doing too good. I cry before I have to go there, and I cry when I come home. I don't expect people to understand this, but I can't help myself, it's how I feel. I try to tell myself this is going to help me recover. I try to look at it in a positive way. But I'm not feeling it.

So last time I was there the question we all have been waiting for popped up. One of the women asked me why I was there. We were waiting for the rest to show up... so I told her I had breast cancer and was treated for a year and half. She was in shock and well never would have guessed I was 30+. It was very emotional, telling my story to a stranger.

Then the physiotherapist AGAIN told me it would probably be better if I came twice a week. This time I felt like he was really pushing me. So I felt like crying right away. But of course I didn't in a room filled with sweaty, heavily breathing old people. But I can't go there twice a week, I can barely handle once a week!

Then one of this old blokes, he tried to grab my attention before but I ignored it, asked me what was wrong with me as well. Well I felt really uncomfortable this time and told him I was sick for a year and a half and that I was trying to get back in shape. He wanted to know more but I told him I'd rather not talk about it. Which felt good. So yay me!

I talked about it with my parents... and next week I will have another physiotherapist so I will give it another go. But if this thing is making me upset and unhappy it's not going to work I suppose and I might quit. I have to admit I got upset about this as well (OMG I get upset over ANYTHING, get it now?!) and it makes me feel like a loser. Like I can't handle it. Like I'm not doing the right thing... Afraid people are going to say but you do want to recover right?! But maybe this is just not the way for me. We all have to follow our own path I suppose. We'll see. I'm just happy I can talk to my parents about these things and they really understand and help me so much.

Perhaps it also has something to do with what my colleague's husband told me. He went through ten years of cancer treatment himself and he told me to kick my butt and get back to work. I was flabbergasted. His words really hurt me. Obviously he was speaking from his own experience... and has no clue about my story or the person that I am. His story made me sad but once again this proves you can not compare cancer to cancer. Or people with people. Fucker. He even told me I was spoiled for still living with my parents. I mean hello... don't you think I'd rather be living at home with my sweet bunnies all by myself if I could?! Argh.

Talked to my psych about some of the positive things (yes yes). I visited work, I had colleagues coming over with their dog. Or their 2 year old boy. I have been busy with my Etsy shop. A Vespa ride with dad to a farm. Lots of outgoing and incoming snailmail. I met with my pregnant friend and her 3 year old daughter. Even though some of these things are very hard for me... I also sincerely enjoy it and it feels good to be able to connect with people again. Because I feel so god damn lonely sometimes.

The only thing that bothered me about the psych is that I told her about my new blog and that I wanted a place to blog about happy things. She said why couldn't you do that on this blog? Because, she said, I should not forget it's all the same, it's all me. WTF?! You think I'll forget that?! I know cancer will always be a part of my life... and I'm not ignoring that. I just want this blog to be informative for people who are going through the same thing and not having to deal with a post about pimping an Ikea cabinet. There.

Something nice to finish. I have been looking for new glasses. Which is a big deal! A new look! I found lovely brown specs... but they have to come all the way from Denmark so I'll have to wait a few weeks probably.