April 7, 2014


Last week I crossed my own lines. I think it took me about three days to fill up that battery again.

I saw my psych which always has a huge impact on me. I talked and cried about everything. She said that during treatment my emotions were on hold and that they are coming out now. It's not just sadness or depression, but anger and frustration as well. The thing is by not accepting... what it is... I am physically and mentally racking myself.

So then I had another visit on Wednesday at the hospital and my blood results were fine. But going there is always upsetting for me. Because everything is cancer related.

The other days I tried to pick up some pieces by going out for a while by myself. And I also visited work. I hung out with two colleagues. We sat outside on the terrace, cup of tea... it was nice. Explaining my feelings to them and where I'm at right now was tough. Of course I only start to notice this when I come home. When it's too late. But I have to learn from these things I suppose. Draw some new lines. Because it was bad.

When it's bad... I get upset about everything. The big bad monster comes out and tells me about everything that could go wrong. I feel broken. I see happy family facebook stories, I read about beautiful young people dying from cancer. It is just all so fucking wrong. People talking about their vacation and all I can think about is how to make it through another day. How I worry about the Tamoxifen and the Zoladex. Once I'm in that state of mind... there is not much I can do. Let it be. Throw it all out. Break.

After a few days I return to a more... well what should I call it? I don't have a word for it. I am a work in progress. But I realize it is wrong to compare my life to others. It isn't going to do me any good.

This is my 100th post! Milestone? Lets try to fill our hearts with what is important & be done with the rest.


  1. Big hugs for you Ciel!! I will email you soon. I reconize the monster, he is (still) visiting me often... Hang in there sweetie, there will be a day you are stronger than the damn monster! Xxx

  2. You always manage to put into words what I cannot. Sending you much love, sweetheart. xoxo