April 11, 2014


Well I haven't really learned to draw the right lines yet. Again I am exhausted. When I'm tired I also turn into a cry baby. I start to go over everything and always find a billion things to worry about.

Stress has been something that pops up a lot lately. I freak out over EVERYTHING. Silly little things, they become huge inside my head and it just drives me nuts.

For example I decided the monthly Zoladex injections were too much of a burden and so my next one will be for three months. I'm already nervous about it. Because I've had barely any side effects so far and what if that changes when I get an injection for three months? What if, what if. I have to try it and just really really hope I'll be okay. I have to be okay. I couldn't do it, these injections 12 x a year... each month, it would be way too confronting. So please please let me be okay with the injections for three months, because that means I would only have to see my home doctor 4 times a year! What a big difference.

I am also feeling a bit under the weather for the first time. I have a sore throat and expect to get a cold. It goes around. But I totally freaked out about it because last time I had a sore throat I was admitted to the hospital for six days. I don't want to feel sick. I am sooo scared of actually feeling sick. Even though it is just a cold and it is nothing like chemo.... getting sick scares me so much right now.

I also have a strong trigger that goes off when I open my closet. So many clothes, so many memories. I remember exactly which hat I wore with certain outfits. I remember which sweater I wore when trying out medication. I remember every fucking little detail. So I filled two bags with clothes and gave them away. But at the same time it made me cry because I wanted to burn everything and I realized it wouldn't change a god damn thing.

So let's try to end this with some positive news. I made 25 new designs of photo cards that will go into Ann Marie's Bravery bags for chemo patients. I already had 25 designs so I now have 50 different versions and I hope they will spread a little faith and hope.

I also have been talking with an online postcard shop who are interested in bringing out a postcard set of six of my photos. Now come on that is exciting news! 

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