June 4, 2014

Face this

Sometimes I don't know what to share on all of these social media sites. I have been open about my disease from the beginning. But I always have been afraid people will not understand the things I post. They see pictures of me smiling together with the buns and will think I'm happy. I post pictures of my hairgrowth because I'm proud of that. I share my artwork. I show a new dress. When I share a funny picture they will think I am okay.

But... what they do not see is me sitting on the couch sobbing. Because there are no pictures of that. You don't post about the sadness of it all on facebook, now do you? The real truth is much darker. I cry A LOT, I scream and then there's a billion other emotions (no Emoji icons for that) and yes... sometimes I laugh.

I may be done with treatment but that doesn’t mean cancer doesn't still affect my life. I suppose it will always be a part of me. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind. Right now, for me that means an emotional struggle, trying to pick up the pieces while fear, grief and fatigue still play a big role.  That is what I shared with the world today. I don't really expect people to understand because they can not and never will, unless you went through the same thing. 

I hate it when people tell me they 'get my journey' because their aunt had cancer or something like that. You don't know shit. Three words: DO NOT COMPARE. Please.

I also shared some great news, because I had another mammogram today. The results were fine! So yes I can breath again. Did I mention that it hurt like hell?! Far worse than the first two times, which probably has something to do with my weight loss. But hey I am thankful for this and for each hair on my head.


  1. Oh God thanks! That's good news (not the hurting part) about the mammogram! True, you can and should not compare. xx

  2. Ciel… I really can relate to this. I think you are so brave to share it and be open with your 'journey'… So good for you for acknowledging this out loud and into the huge space of social media.

    I think part of why I have been so quiet is this very same fear you speak of.

    Fully understand.