May 28, 2014

Wreck this

It seems to be the month of tough conversations.

So after I let everything sunk in from my appointment with the insurance doctor at the UVW... I received his report. It is so freakin' hard to read what people write about your emotional well-being. Especially when our conversation didn't last any longer than 15 minutes and I still get mad when I think about the pain his words caused me. But guess what his report wasn't so bad! He got the point pretty much right. The essence of my story and why I am not working right now.

So today I talked to the employment specialist and I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to bring up the insurance doctor or not. But we got to talk about the report pretty soon and so I simply told him everything. That it caused me a lot of pain and that I felt I was treated badly. That you don't deal with people this way. He knew this doctor pretty well and we had a good conversation. Which was such a relieve. I have to wait for there final decision, but if everything goes right I'm just going to leave it at that. At work they wanted me to file a complaint but I don't think I want to. It will cost me too much energy. The report was pretty much okay. My appointment with the employment specialist made me feel better. Hey we even got to talk about bunnies! So sometimes you have to let things go. All I want is other people to understand why I am not working at this moment and the safety net that is out there to catch me. Because I have fallen. From high.

On Monday I talked to my psychologist. Not a great conversation either because... yes here it comes... she told me that my cancer diagnoses hit me hard.. perhaps harder than it would hit other people. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK?! Do we not learn that you can not compare yourself to other people? And that grief can not be compared to grief? I was and still am very upset about her remark. I lived my own personal horror story! I don't know what she meant by it. There might be some truth in there, but it sure as hell isn't doing me any good. Which sucks, because so far, no matter how painful they are, our conversations were always pretty good. I definitely have to ask her about this next time because it's been bothering me for a while now.

She actually also wanted me to be on anti-depressants again but I refused. I hate it how I let things become so big and then they just blow up in my head. Not good. I am fragile and emotional YES! I cry ALL the time. But never do I want to feel again like I was on anti-depressants. I know they weren't they right ones for me... but I don't think a pill is going to solve everything. I have to find my way through this. Grief, cry, mourn, scream... whatever. But at least they are real feelings. They are me.

Next week I have my mammogram. As you can guess I'm absolutely crazy nervous about this.


  1. i had bookmarked your sight earlier, to read at my leisure. when i came here to it today, this was the first one i read. And i am right there with you! i am angry confused puzzled, and feel wartorn. i was diagnosed in june of 2012,too, the 8th, but i had had a strong suspicion, since february, but didnt get it checked out till then. And i am a mess half the time,and the other half, i am an idiot, going through the motions, or avoiding reality alltogether. it is very hard. i hope you come here in june and let us know how you are doing. i am 54, and just hatin on femara.

    1. Thank you for this! It means a lot to me that you write that down and for telling me you're going through the same thing! Hugs for you!