June 24, 2014


Hello I am Ciel and I'm depressed.

So remember that my last conversation with my psych didn't really go so well and she only made me feel worse? Well we talked about that... and at first she pulled out, what I feel like were some psych tricks... but then we set things right. She explained what she meant. I told her how I interpreted her words. I think we're fine now. Except that she wants me on meds again. Again I told her no. I want to give myself a few more months to see if I can do this on my own and if not then perhaps I will talk to the psychiatrist again about medication. But seriously, I'd rather not.

Yesterday I saw my company doctor. I spent 30 minutes in his office and we had an interesting conversation. UVW came through and they are now my safety net, so I do not have to worry about money. Which is good. But my company doctor made it very clear to me that I am depressed. He actually said, "You are sick in the head". Which is completely normal, he added, after everything you have been through. But still, he thinks I need to accept my depression like I have accepted my cancer and my treatment. He has a point there.

Because I have been telling everybody I'm mentally not doing so great. That I'm emotional, vulnerable, unstable, sad, angry... but no not depressed. I don't know why this bothers me so much. It's not like I should be ashamed of this and I think I have proven I am a strong person by now. So why oh why do I not want to label myself as depressed.

The answer is I don't know. Perhaps my psych can show some light on that next time. The thing is, I am starting to doubt (fucking cancer took away my confidence) whether or not I should be taking any meds. I've tried them twice before, unsuccessfully a.ka. big disaster. Something I never ever want to experience again. But with the right kind of meds... I also understand things might be a little bit easier for me. Am I torturing myself while this is totally unnecessary?

This whole sick in the head reminded me right away of a song. It's by (Keith) Mina Caputo. Who's music has been in my life for over ten years. She actually contacted me the other day on Instagram, posting one of my photos and I also got a message on facebook which means the world to me! What a kind soul, such pure music. That goes straight to my heart. Especially now that it feels a little broken.

 Pure heart and soul, the treasures I own
Where did you go and how have you grown?
I'm sick in the head in a number of ways
I recommend a psychotherapist to clean up your brain

So I don't know, I think I'll wait for my next appointment with the psych and discuss everything again and see how I feel then. Gotta let it go for now.

Now to focus my mind on something else I bought Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith and I can recommend it to anyone! I am having lots of fun with it and it really is inspiring and creative in a unique way. I am also considering buying One Line A Day by Chronicle books. Which is a five year memory book. Right now besides this blog I don't keep a paper journal or something like that. Just my art journal. So this seems like a nice therapeutic book to start writing again. 

I also figured it was time to give my photography another chance, so I set up a Facebook page you can now like. Or you can even buy postcards in my Etsy store! Yay!

1 comment:

  1. Goodness. I can sure sympathize with depression. Self acceptance is hard when you do have it, and trying to convince people you aren't when you don't is a huge battle.
    You have to be you, and honest with yourself, and as long as you can do that, you'll be fine, I'm sure.
    Love to you, little lady