February 15, 2013

Hospital horror

Two weeks ago I had my first Taxol/Herceptin treatment. It already seems so long ago because a lot has happened. But this is the story. Uncensored.

I was incredibly nervous. By nervous I mean having to puke in the hospital's parking garage. By nervous I mean having to puke in the car six hours later. It was the first time I had to stay that long and I hated every single bit of it. The smell of chemo department is just... obnoxious. It's just so disgusting, even now.. when I think about it I feel sick to my stomach.

The first few days I was very tired. I slept a lot. Then I started to have the famous flu-like side effects. By the time it was Wednesday I had a very sore throat, nose bleeds and muscle pain. On Friday it got so bad I could barely swallow and I also had a fever. We called my doctor who dropped by that afternoon and told me to go to the ER for some blood tests.

I was under the assumption I would leave there with some antibiotics but was told right away I would be admitted to the hospital because of my fever. They also did a picture of my lungs. When the blood tests came back it was obvious my white blood cells were way too low and I had a throat infection. I was given antibiotics through an IV right away.

When starting chemo you know it isn't going to be easy. You know you're going to get sick. But at least you're home. In your own bed. I'm not much of a hospital person. I already knew this. But it was very hard for me to accept that I had to stay there. So I cried my eyes out. I felt so out of control.

The first two days I had the room all to myself - thank god. On Monday I got a roomie who barely spoke any Dutch. I'm all for privacy in hospitals. And big screen TV's. I really had a hard time trying to keep calm but as days passed I more and more started to adapt to the situation. Being admitted to the hospital once was my worst nightmare when this whole breast cancer story started. So all and all considering I didn't do so bad.

The not knowing part drives me crazy though. Not knowing when you get to go home. Not knowing when you're having lunch, when it's pill taking time, when the doctor will see you... you have to depend on so many other people it's frustrating! A couple of the nurses were really sweet for me though. One even brought me ice cream for my throat.    

At first they told me I would probably get antibiotics for like two days through an IV and then I would change to pills. However, eventually they kept me on the IV for 6 days. At some point my veins got all blue and hard and they had to give me another one. I had to do a blood test every other day. I still feel and look like a pincushion!

After a few days I my throat started to feel better and my fever went down as well. I got to enjoy the lovely hospital food. Insert sarcasm here. 

After six days, on my mother's birthday (Valentines day) I finally got to go home. I still have to take antibiotics for three more days. But I'm home. At last. Reunited with my furry bunnies.

The fact I have three more of these treatments scheduled make me feel very nervous. My oncologist will give me a call Monday or Tuesday and I definitely have a some questions for him and will tell him about my worries. For now I'm hoping to rest and gain back some of my strength because believe it or not, treatment is scheduled next Friday. Time flies... when you're busy being sick.

12 comments:

  1. Uuggh! :( I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had the exact same on one of my Taxotere doses. I only spent 4 nights in hospital but it was exactly the same with the IV drip antibiotics and being attached to that think 24 hours a day. And I understand it all making you feel so sick. But you only have two to go now, is that right? Do you have to have radio after that? I swear to you, radio is a walk in the park compared to chemo so if you have to do it then just know that the worst part is over once you get through those next two chemos!
    Rest up now that you're at home! Have you seen "Girls," the HBO series? I just got the DVD boxset and it was great, I recommend it for a few hours of lounging in your PJs! Loads of love, a rapid recovery and happy birthday to your mum xx

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    1. I have to do three more :( And then I will get 13 more herceptin. I already finished my rads right after my surgery. I haven't seen Girls but heard/read so much about it! Definitely have to check it out! XX

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  2. I hope you can find some peace as far as the "not knowing" goes. It definitely was/is hard to deal with, but the more I am able to focus on today, rather than the future, the better it gets. It's been six months since I finished chemo, and I don't even remember the horror momments. The great thing about "chemo-brain" is that once it's over, it's all just a blur of pain, and people saying "you just said that 5 minutes ago."

    Hang in there. Picture a future where you've beaten it. Imagine a time when things will be better. Be stubborn about how awesome the future is going to be. I wish I could give you a hug.

    <3 kamina

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    1. That's good to hear Kamina, that you don't remember the horror moments! Thanks for your sweet comment!

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  3. I'm happy you're home now. And hope that you recover soon. I can imagine that having your bunnies around you gives you a warm and calm feeling inside - all those soft pets seem so calming :)

    My Valentine's Gift this year was the diagnosis Fibroadenoma. My doctor called me on Thursday at 09:45. I was so relieved and so exhausted.

    I hope your next treatment will go much much better. Only THREE MORE TIMES! I hope they fly by as well, without you being sick though.

    Hugs and welcome home :)

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    1. Oh Tracy, so happy to hear about diagnosis! That's good news! Thanks for your encouraging words! <3

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  4. Oh dear,

    I didn't see you around for a while, but I assumed you were on bed rest. I didn't know it had been this rough!

    You made it through, though. This particular pain is behind you. I agree with what Kamina said up there; live it day-to-day and try to forget about the pain as soon as it's over, even if it's just for a bit. I can't talk about cancer, but I can talk about depression (I know. It doesn't compare) and that's the kind of mentality that saved my life.

    Anyway, dear. I wanted to leave you a few words and say I'm glad to hear from you. Only three more and you'll take a breath. And we'll all be here every step of the way. :)

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    1. Hi Ana, thank you for your kind words! I'm so happy to be home again! I'm really trying to take it one day at a time! But it's definitely hard! Thanks for your support!

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  5. I just want to jump through this and hug you. I want to sit next to you and just be there. It's amazing how cancer gave us this bond and the love we have for everyone in cancer connection. You are an amazing warrior and this is just making you even more badass! Xo

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    1. Thank you Ann Marie! Hugs right back at ya! XX

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  6. Hey Ciel,

    You are a badass indeed. I really hoped these last ones would be easier on you, and I'm angry they're not. However, I'm glad you're doing a little bit better again. You still have the strength to recover, that's badass... You go and fight that bastard tumor! I wish I could be of any help..know that I'm cheering for you.

    I'll try to end with a positive note: If you take it one day at a time you still have a few more days filled with love and support before the next battle. Try to cherish those moments when you're able to... I'm sending happy thoughts your way....

    Big hug!
    x

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    1. Hey Lot, thanks for your message...I'm really trying! Focussing on my photography is one of the few things that still seem to work! Hugs!

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