October 6, 2013

Autumn blanket

I was doing okay for a while. But then it comes back like a blanket. Now I just want to hide underneath there. Makes me wonder if I really am depressed.

I try. I try so hard. But every morning is a struggle. Getting up is the hardest part of the day. Taking it day by day. Step by step. I've never felt so tired before. Physical and emotional. Trying to keep it all together. Like I said I want to hide underneath my blanket and have somebody wake me up when it's February. No more Herceptin.

I seek distraction. I go grocery shopping. I take walks. I snuggle with my bunnies. I sometimes take photos. I focus on my art. I visit work. The last time I was there it didn't go so well though. There were only a few people I do not really care for. At some point I was talking in the hallway to 5 or 6 people and then this one girl showed up that, well let's just say is not a fave colleague of mine. If we used to run in each other during our break we never even said 'hello'. But now... she stood there next to me listening and asking questions. And I was thinking to myself, 'what the fuck are you doing here?!' I just felt like her interest in me wasn't sincere. I was just a story to her. An interesting break from her work or something like that.

It really is hard to get excited or to look forward to something. My art journal has become important to me. I usually draw/paint something after I talk to my psych as well. It has become an important way for me to express myself. I like talking to my psych even though it's very emotional and hard. When I come home I'm usually not a 'happy' person. It's confronting, it goes deep. But I guess it's all part of the recovery process.

I'm kinda sick and tired of October Awareness month as well. It's too confronting right now. I can't take it. I try to close my eyes for everything out there but it almost seems impossible. It's pink in your face. There's a part of me that wants to read everything and I feel that I have to know everything about my disease. But then again, a big part of me wants to block it. Because it's too painful.

There was one thing that really spoke out to me though. The Dutch website for young women with breast cancer asked people younger than 35 to write a one time blog about what it is like to be diagnosed at such young age. So I wrote my story down in 800 words and it was published on their website this week. Writing my story down in my mother tongue was very confronting for me. The story and how it all pretty much began, kept going through my head for a couple of days. But I'm proud of it anyway. I got some really great responses and people could identify to it.

Because my bunnies are one of the few things that still make me smile here are some cute fluffy pictures I took for World Animal day.

Happy World Animal Day from Lola Happy World Animal Day from Charlie


  1. Hi Ciel,

    I'm so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Sometimes pulling the blanket over our heads is just what needs to be done. Though I'm so hoping as time ticks forward it starts to get easier somehow for you. Keep those bunnies close, and congratulations on your story being shared :)


    1. Thank you Catherine! I will definitely hug a bunny or two ;)

  2. I ca imagine that writing those 800 words was very confronting for you. I can remember how you posted your diagnosis and I couldn't believe it. Life changes - just like that, from one second to another, with no warning etc. I'm not sure if I would write about it again, I think I'd just cry the whole time while writing.