The fear

Living with 'the fear' is one of the hardest things when you deal with cancer. You take nothing for granted any longer and you realize how carefree life used to be. The 'what if' pops up regularly, but you try to avoid going there when you can. Because at some point you have to take back control of what once possessed you and your entire world.

I think every person has these alarm bells, but after having to deal with cancer let me tell you they start to ring a lot louder. We can never be sure if the fear is grounded, but it's real and happening. Just as we were landing back on our feet we get hit by the fear. It consumes you. It's like a bad deja vu. A serious mindfuck.

When I started to have breast pains in my other breast this week I thought the cancer might have come back. The scenarios in my head were endless and the fear was creeping in. I think it was for the first time in three years I seriously thought something could be wrong...

I visited my home doctor the same day and she reassured me it was probably nothing. She felt no lumps and everything seemed normal. Just to be sure she made me an appointment at the Mammacare poli at my hospital. What do you mean deja vu?! So the next day I saw a nurse, a doctor and a radiologist (which sounds like a bad joke). They made an echo (because I had my mammogram like three months ago) and told me I was fine. I learned a little more about breast pains and such but I'm especially very very thankful for the way they handled things. They took my complaints very seriously and they were very sweet and gentle. I have to come back in like 6 weeks for another check-up and I think this puts me at ease. I can breathe now.

For me this was a serious reminder though. How scary and lonely this disease is. How fragile our lives are. We really need to slow down and go with the flow.. really see things and breathe. Enjoy and be thankful for the tiny treasures. Sometimes things don't work out, or you're having a rough day.. that's okay because you can try again tomorrow.

Love & light.

The real world

I think it is time for me to write a little update and tell you I took another big step. Big as in huge. I went back to work. Can you believe it?! A year ago the thought of work alone would have me breaking down and now I'm doing it.

I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?

So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!

Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.

I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't  even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.

My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.

P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY!