September 18, 2015

The fear

Living with 'the fear' is one of the hardest things when you deal with cancer. You take nothing for granted any longer and you realize how carefree life used to be. The 'what if' pops up regularly, but you try to avoid going there when you can. Because at some point you have to take back control of what once possessed you and your entire world.

I think every person has these alarm bells, but after having to deal with cancer let me tell you they start to ring a lot louder. We can never be sure if the fear is grounded, but it's real and happening. Just as we were landing back on our feet we get hit by the fear. It consumes you. It's like a bad deja vu. A serious mindfuck.

When I started to have breast pains in my other breast this week I thought the cancer might have come back. The scenarios in my head were endless and the fear was creeping in. I think it was for the first time in three years I seriously thought something could be wrong...

I visited my home doctor the same day and she reassured me it was probably nothing. She felt no lumps and everything seemed normal. Just to be sure she made me an appointment at the Mammacare poli at my hospital. What do you mean deja vu?! So the next day I saw a nurse, a doctor and a radiologist (which sounds like a bad joke). They made an echo (because I had my mammogram like three months ago) and told me I was fine. I learned a little more about breast pains and such but I'm especially very very thankful for the way they handled things. They took my complaints very seriously and they were very sweet and gentle. I have to come back in like 6 weeks for another check-up and I think this puts me at ease. I can breathe now.

For me this was a serious reminder though. How scary and lonely this disease is. How fragile our lives are. We really need to slow down and go with the flow.. really see things and breathe. Enjoy and be thankful for the tiny treasures. Sometimes things don't work out, or you're having a rough day.. that's okay because you can try again tomorrow.

Love & light.

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