June 3, 2013

Broken wings need time to heal

Just another Monday. Two months post chemo.

I'm obsessed with hair. Or lack of it. I don't understand why some women have full heads of hair after 3/4 months post chemo and others (I'm talking about myself here) get the old bald man look with no hair on top. Okay so it's growing back, but it's scarce. This is just extremely frustrating. It makes me sad and angry and basically I hate everybody with pretty long curly hair right now. Sorry it's nothing personal.

I don't expect miracles. I just want that sexy pixie haircut and I promise I'll shut up. So hair... please grow grow grow!

Patience is just not my thing right now.

The next two weeks are going to be tough for me. Wednesday I have another echo coming up and if everything is okay I will have Herceptin 6/17 Friday. Not really looking forward to it, because last time I had quite a few side effects. Really have to keep my fingers crossed this time will be better.

Then Monday it's coming. My first mammogram after being diagnosed. Of course my breast knows this and I have been feeling all sorts of weird stuff lately. I am really nervous and oh so scared. So scared. Lots of scenarios went through my head. The bad ones. Then on top of everything I will also get a Dexa scan and a blood test. I will get the results the next day. I am thankful for getting these tests and my aches and pains will be taken seriously because I once had cancer. But oh boy I just know these things will never get easy. Always in the back of your mind... there's that little voice.

So I still cry my eyes out from time to time. I actually had some bad news about my job shoved into my face as well. As if dealing with breast cancer isn't enough. But there is nothing I can do about it right now. So I have decided not to worry about it.

So obviously there are ways to stir your soul. They don't always work, but sometimes they do. So I try. I keep trying. Sometimes this results in creative projects like keeping a little notebook with positive quotes. A colleague visiting with his son. Sending packages and being in contact with my breast friends. Unexpected gifts from sweet people. Or a bike ride all by myself for the first time after chemo. Maybe just feeling some sun beams on my pale teary-eyed face. You keep trying, if not today then tomorrow.

Broken Wings Need Time To Heal

Most of you know that I took photos during chemotherapy. And it was one of the few things that kept me going. It resulted in something I now call the Chemo Chronicles. You can view the entire series on my portfolio website here. Or click the link in the menu on the right.


  1. I'm such an impatient person myself, I'd feel the same way like you about the hair growth. Everybody is saying "hair grows fast" and yet, it seems like it grows so slow - or not at all :(

    I wish you all the best for your next mammo!!

    Don't worry about your job! Your health is the most important right now, jobs come and go...

    Sun-beams! YES! We've had rain for the last three weeks and now the floods are coming! It's GREY outside EVERY DAY! I hope and pray for sun this week because this weather here really makes you depressed (it's freaking cold, too!).

    Hugs and Mwahs!

  2. I've been taking photos of my hair growth every week for myself and I promise you, I had the same frustrations around the time where you're at right now. No hair on top, awkward tufts in the back and a weird strip on only one side. My growth really picked up after month 3. I know that doesn't change things for you right now, but it will start to get better soon. I still hate having super short hair, but its way better than no hair at least. Sending lots of good hair growth vibes your way and good luck with everything this week!

  3. It does seem to take forever for hair to grow. Mine has been making slow progress. With time, it will get there. Hoping it starts to grow more quickly for you. You are not alone with your fears that creep up with each test. I am right there with you. Wishing you peace!

  4. I recognize your hair frustrating, it was something that made (and sometimes still do) me crazy too. I hope the summer and some sunny wether helps you through the time.
    Mammogram, and other test are scary right now. It will bring you some clearness but the future will stay uncertain.
    Sorry to read you have to deal with the bad news about your job. Good decision not to worry about it and spend energy at your creative projects.
    Wish you a sunny week with a lot of positive energy, I think of you monday!

  5. Good luck with your upcoming scans. They are anxiety inducing, for sure. But afterward when you get your 'all clear' you can breathe easier for some time. I had monk hair too...it was ridiculous. :) But eventually it grew in again.You'll get that pixie look yet! ~Catherine

  6. i know the hair growth thing is so frustrating. i am glad you have the resolve not to worry about the job issue - you have so much on your plate now so reducing any stressors is a real plus. i love yur photographs - they are so ethereal and magical and the colors are gorgeous. i am sending you BIG hope that your mammos, dexa scan, and blood tests all turn out well. and thank you for your very positive messages about how important it is to keep trying. - XO, karen, TC

  7. I always want to offer up some words of wisdom. Perhaps I could come up with some philosophical jargon that takes the pain away? Maybe make everything make sense? Make it seem fair?
    I can't.
    I know enough people who endure struggles that no sane person would welcome. You don't wish these things on people you don't like, much less people you care about. Although we have never met face to face, I think of you almost like a little sister that I want to take care of. That young woman who, unbeknownst to her, helped me overcome some of my own fears and insecurities, when I started writing down some of my thoughts and ideas. I opened up parts of myself to people that I never did before, and you played a part in that, even though you didn't know it.
    I want to be there for you. I just need to know how.