Just another Monday. Two months post chemo.
I'm obsessed with hair. Or lack of it. I don't understand why some women have full heads of hair after 3/4 months post chemo and others (I'm talking about myself here) get the old bald man look with no hair on top. Okay so it's growing back, but it's scarce. This is just extremely frustrating. It makes me sad and angry and basically I hate everybody with pretty long curly hair right now. Sorry it's nothing personal.
I don't expect miracles. I just want that sexy pixie haircut and I promise I'll shut up. So hair... please grow grow grow!
Patience is just not my thing right now.
The next two weeks are going to be tough for me. Wednesday I have another echo coming up and if everything is okay I will have Herceptin 6/17 Friday. Not really looking forward to it, because last time I had quite a few side effects. Really have to keep my fingers crossed this time will be better.
Then Monday it's coming. My first mammogram after being diagnosed. Of course my breast knows this and I have been feeling all sorts of weird stuff lately. I am really nervous and oh so scared. So scared. Lots of scenarios went through my head. The bad ones. Then on top of everything I will also get a Dexa scan and a blood test. I will get the results the next day. I am thankful for getting these tests and my aches and pains will be taken seriously because I once had cancer. But oh boy I just know these things will never get easy. Always in the back of your mind... there's that little voice.
So I still cry my eyes out from time to time. I actually had some bad news about my job shoved into my face as well. As if dealing with breast cancer isn't enough. But there is nothing I can do about it right now. So I have decided not to worry about it.
So obviously there are ways to stir your soul. They don't always work, but sometimes they do. So I try. I keep trying. Sometimes this results in creative projects like keeping a little notebook with positive quotes. A colleague visiting with his son. Sending packages and being in contact with my breast friends. Unexpected gifts from sweet people. Or a bike ride all by myself for the first time after chemo. Maybe just feeling some sun beams on my pale teary-eyed face. You keep trying, if not today then tomorrow.
Most of you know that I took photos during chemotherapy. And it was one of the few things that kept me going. It resulted in something I now call the Chemo Chronicles. You can view the entire series on my portfolio website here. Or click the link in the menu on the right.