September 6, 2013

Beast of burden

I'm exhausted. I spent the afternoon at the hospital yesterday. Today I had to see my radiologist. In other words; another trip to my favourite place in the whole wide world.

These appointments are still hard for me. They make me feel so sad. You think you would get used to it, but really you don't. Because #1 they are confronting you with your disease. And #2 there's always something new around the corner.

I spoke with a nurse about Osteoporosis because it runs in my family. My test results from the Dexa scan weren't that upsetting but it's very likely I will develop Osteoporosis later on in life (a lot of people do). So in order for them to make a plan and keep monitoring me I had to do more blood tests. Best of all, I get to do a 24 hour urine test. Really. I have to collect all of my pee for 24 hours. Sigh. Really makes you wonder where it will end?

All these appointments and tests are such a heavy burden. It's so hard to forget and just continue your day. I can't do that. Which brings me to my psych. I talked to her again and time fly by this time. Which is a good sign I suppose. I can also officially say, I think she's a good match for me now. She understands me. My character. She gets it. 

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I currently use Lorazepam for my anxiety and she wants me to talk to a psychiatrist about different options of medications. I have very mixed feelings about using an anti-depressant but then again... if it could make my life just a little easier right now. It seems worth checking into. 

We talked about being in the now. Which is very important for me because I'm struggling so much with the Herceptin and everything else (all the bears). We also talked (I cried like a baby) about chemo. I told her about my photography and how I feel it got me through chemo. She was very curious so I gave her my card and she said she would take a look at my work. I hope we get to talk about it next time. 

She told me that photography got me through rough times. The hardest part is over. I have to find my strength back. Things that inspire me, that give me back my drive. Things that make you forget the C-word for a while. Block those thoughts (and no there's no button). I have to start the count down on the Herceptin. I have to promise myself fun stuff, I need things to look forward to. So I will be able to finish this chapter of my treatment as well.


  1. That feeling of where will it stop? I get that feeling. So many tests, pokes, investigations . . . and when does it stop? But at least they can slow down, become a trickle.

    Hey, I noticed you changed your profile picture! You look lovely, of course.

    I hope you find your strength again. For me, it took doing what makes me feel most like ME. (And step one: get out of the hospital for a while. Step two: travel. Step three: rest and write.) Good luck, it’s good to hear you and your therapist are getting along well. ~Catherine

    1. Yes so many trips to the hospital really can drive you crazy. It's good to focus on things that make you feel like YOU. I am trying that now with art and expression. I hope you're doing okay Catherine! XX