I am so glad the Holidays and all that festive crap is over. I was so not in the mood. Basically I went to bed at 10.30 p.m. on New year's eve and slept through everything. I was perfectly fine with that.
So now it is a brand new year and I have 1 more Herceptin to go. One. Only weeks ago I thought I would never make it. But really, it's happening. I am doing it!
The thing is, with the Herceptin being gone... I am not done. It's the chapter Herceptin that is closed, finished. I have noticed this is hard to understand for people but I can not simply pick up the pieces and move on.
There is so much 'stuff', unfinished business, left in my head. I am scared. Because for over a year I had my life planned out. I knew I would get sick every three weeks. Everything evolved around cancer. Now I start with a new chapter, a blank page, and it scares me so damn much. I don't even know where to begin.
Thank god for psychologists and people like that. Because they actually have 'ideas' about this issue. Phew.
I am still such an emotional person. Getting up in the morning is the HARDEST part. I feel so sad and lost usually. But sometimes I have better days where I go out and do things, even if it is just groceries, take walks or visit work... I do all of these things. Little steps.
It is so hard for me to answer people's questions though. Not only because I get so emotional and always start crying. But because it is so obvious people will never understand me and I always have to explain everything. According to my psychologist it is all part of the healing. I have to learn how to say I do not want to talk about it. Or perhaps start to talk about something else. It's all one big learning process. Slowly and with a little patience.
But first comes Herceptin number 17/17 on January 24th.