January 13, 2014

But first comes number 17

I am so glad the Holidays and all that festive crap is over. I was so not in the mood. Basically I went to bed at 10.30 p.m. on New year's eve and slept through everything. I was perfectly fine with that.

So now it is a brand new year and I have 1 more Herceptin to go. One. Only weeks ago I thought I would never make it. But really, it's happening. I am doing it!

The thing is, with the Herceptin being gone... I am not done. It's the chapter Herceptin that is closed, finished. I have noticed this is hard to understand for people but I can not simply pick up the pieces and move on.

There is so much 'stuff', unfinished business, left in my head. I am scared. Because for over a year I had my life planned out. I knew I would get sick every three weeks. Everything evolved around cancer. Now I start with a new chapter, a blank page, and it scares me so damn much. I don't even know where to begin.

Thank god for psychologists and people like that. Because they actually have 'ideas' about this issue. Phew.

I am still such an emotional person. Getting up in the morning is the HARDEST part. I feel so sad and lost usually. But sometimes I have better days where I go out and do things, even if it is just groceries, take walks or visit work... I do all of these things. Little steps.

It is so hard for me to answer people's questions though. Not only because I get so emotional and always start crying. But because it is so obvious people will never understand me and I always have to explain everything. According to my psychologist it is all part of the healing. I have to learn how to say I do not want to talk about it. Or perhaps start to talk about something else. It's all one big learning process. Slowly and with a little patience.

But first comes Herceptin number 17/17 on January 24th. 


  1. Glad to know you will have made it through all of the Herceptins! Hoping with time you can redefine your life. So hard for others that haven't walked our path to understand.

  2. It's the 26th and I hope you're doing ok. xox