January 28, 2014

Oh spring I miss you

"It always seems impossible until its done." - Nelson Mandela

True. True. I still can not believe it, but I'm done with Herceptin. Her-crap-tin. Done. Goodbye! 

So you would expect me to feel happy and relieved and part of me is. I think. But I'm mostly confused. Not sure what to do now. So this is what they call... life after cancer. 

I need time to heal and I need to give myself this. I owe that to myself. I also need to accept this, which is a tough thing. A year and half I have been riding this medical roller coaster and now I'm getting off. Life just doesn't go on. Or maybe it does... but it's far from anything you're familiar with.  

I am still sad and I still have so much to process. A lot of people don't seem to understand this. It is so hard for me to talk about everything that happened. I still cry a lot (which according to my mother is a good thing).

So I was doing groceries with my mother when we ran into a guy she knew. We talked a bit and I told him I was done with Herceptin and blah blah and while I tell him I notice how sad I get. Then we run into my neighbours... again I have to tell my story. They even asked me if the Herceptin worked? I know I should not get angry for people asking stupid questions because two years ago I did know nothing about cancer and treatment either. But you can't be patient all the time. It does make me angry. Egh and I hate all these questions. To top it all, the lady behind the counter said, "Oh you're hair is growing but I really liked the short hair!" Permission to punch? 

So then I come home I am so sad and all these words and conversations go through my head over and over again. Everything is so overwhelming and I know it's part of what I have to go through to deal with everything. But you're just so damn sick and tired of everything after a year and a half. 

I want sunshine. Little beams of happiness. 

Hair diary update!

1 comment:

  1. Congrats lady! Huge milestone finally achieved. But I hear you on the bizarre feelings that follow. Everyone seems to want you to celebrate and be "done" but its not just a simple flip of a switch. Glad you're able to give yourself time to recover and process everything. Sending over lots of love :)