March 12, 2014

Who is in control

My psych told me to keep writing so here I am. Behind the keyboard.

It's been two weeks since I started my Tamoxifen/Zoladex trial. So far I have only experienced mood swings. Although I have to admit I've had those before I started this trial. So... I am not really sure where this is going. I tried to ignore all of this stuff and not think about it. But then I read a piece on fbook (darn internet) and I got all upset afterwards. Because most reactions weren't positive. All messages from women with horrible side effects. Even one that wrote her side effects started after three months. So now I'm not sure what to think of this anymore. My psych told me to integrate it with my life. Make it a part of my new life. I guess I just keep on going and when I reach a moment the side effects kick in and I can not handle it anymore; I know in the back of my mind I can always quit. But now that I have started... I feel like I have to do this. I want this. I want to be that positive voice that will be able to say okay Herceptin and chemo were hell on earth... but Tamoxifen/Zoladex... not so bad. I want to be that person. Please let me be that person.

I also had an appointment at work about me applying for official sick leave at the UWV. Which was tough. My brain can not cope with so much information at the same time. This guy kept going and going.. and all I could think about was how painful this is. I kept wondering if he understood that. So we have to collect all these different papers and fill them out next time. It's crazy. But I guess I have to be thankful my country has a safety net like that. I had a good talk afterwards with my boss though. I really explained some of the things I am going through right now.

One of my favorite authors came to my town and I got a signed copy of one of his books. At first I didn't want to go because I was afraid I couldn't stand in line for that long. Things like that make me really nervous. Places with lots of people. It's so totally out of my comfort zone right now. But I went anyway and it was good.

The weather has been spring like lately and I have been taking walks and feeding the ducks and swans. 

I have been drawing a lot in my art journal. A great outlet. Gives me more joy than photography right now.

Today I went shopping for new jeans (yes still weight loss) and ended up buying some cute spring clothes. Which I haven't done in ages. I was totally exhausted when I came home.

So these are good things. But I hate how the bad things always have the upper hand. How extremely tired I am. Fuck that shit. I am a 32 year old woman and I am so jealous when I see a person jogging with their iPhone. When I freak out over the smallest things. How I always have appointments scheduled at the hospital. A new mammogram is already scheduled for June. Then I read about a young girl's cancer returning. And it just breaks my heart. This horrible fucking disease I hate so much. It is always present and that makes me so sad. 


  1. Hang in there! I truly get what you are going through. It really does suck having all of trade offs of side effects from the medicines we take to kill cancer. To help myself get through some of my darker thoughts, I remind myself how lucky I have been to have been around so long before my life got all turned around. I think of those poor children that are sick with cancer. It just reminds me of how blessed I have been not to deal with this until my 30's. Hopefully, these few years that we deal with this will be like a blink of an eye in our long lives :). Take care!

    1. Thank you for understanding! It means a lot, knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

  2. So worried about the future.... that we forget to live life today.

    So jealous of what others have.... that we don't notice what we possess.

    So wrapped up in our own difficulties.... that we miss the chances to ease the suffering of those who have heavier crosses to bear.

    It's the way of humanity... not only those with cancer. We all do it. Perhaps if we're conscious of it, we can change it? I don't know. We can try.

    My prayers have been with you for a long time~ Andrea

    1. I am not a religious person and I don't know who you are addressing with your comment, but I think what matters most is that we're ALL trying the best that we can.