April 12, 2013

No words, no nothing

So my last chemo is a fact. I actually set up a post two days ago with all these numbers and facts. And then deleted it. I'm not really sure what to think or how I feel. That would explain my crazy internet shopping. I mean crazy over the top and not making sense kind of shopping. The last few weeks I've ordered new clothes, slippers, shoes, stack rings, bunny stationery and some other stuff I can't even remember. Just like that, out of the blue. Anything to keep me busy. It's a good thing I'm not seeing a therapist (yet).

I've also tried different things to distract me, like reading, meditation and scrap booking. But nothing seems to work. So chemo might be over but it doesn't feel like that at all. I still sit here on the couch, not feeling so great. No hair on my head. For the first time in six months I really really miss my hair. I also went outside for the first time again today. It was like a 5 minute walk and I felt like a 80 year old. I'm mostly sad and confused because of all the stuff that has happened. I have been crying a lot. I know it isn't over.

The results from the MUGA scan were pretty much the same as the echo. Which means we'll try the Herceptin again, followed by another echo. All I can hope for is that my ejection fraction will stay the same or go up a few percentages now that I'm done with chemo.

I know I will start to feel better and that I need to give it time (yes even or maybe especially the hair grow). The past six months were... well I'm not even going to try to describe them. Words won't do all the pain, suffering and fear any justice.


  1. Sometimes no words are the most meaningful to someone. ((Hugs)) to you

  2. sending so much peace and love your way my brave friends. xoxoxoxox

  3. I'd like to hug you now! Big big hugging!
    I don't know what to say, there are really no words to cheer you up because, like you said, you know it isn't over.
    But now you have one chapter done and I just hope so much that you'll never have to have a chemo again!

    Yesterday was the first sunny day here during the week so I drove to work by bike and on the way home I stopped at a store and bought six pillow cases for about 100 Euro!! Wow - so expensive but they are so nice and colorful (yellow, white, pink, turquoise) and I was sick of always seeing that dark brown couch - so I made the pillows colorful and it's amazing how much something like this can brighten your mood a little.

    I understand your crazy internet shopping ;)

    X's and O's

    1. To sunny days, internet shopping and no more chemo! XX