April 23, 2013

The sound of silence

I'm struggling.

It's been almost three weeks since my last chemo. I will have Herceptin #4/17 coming up this Friday.

I talked to a colleague on the phone this week and it really hit me that people will never understand what I went through. I know I've always realized this, but talking to her all of a sudden made it so clear and obvious. She is the sweetest person, but was completely clueless.

I think it made me feel so isolated and alienated from everybody else. During chemo I only had my family around me, a rare visitor every once in a while. But it was just my family who saw me at my worst. So how do you connect with people after going through something like this? I'm nervous for all those 'first time' conversations.

Life is so different for me now. I need to find balance and structure. A way to deal with everything that has happened. I am not the same person any more. I know that must be weird for other people. I understand it's hard talking to a 'sick' person as well. But I feel so alone in many ways. Cancer is like sitting on a freakin' deserted island. This is my worst nightmare and it goes in a bag pack that I have to carry with me for the rest of my life.

The only people who really get it are other people who have had or have cancer. It's good to have 'breast' friends.

So yeah it is hard for me to talk about everything that has happened. I think I'm really learning and experiencing what to tell to whom. This morning I read a quote on the Pinterest board as if it were meant to be:   
"Sometimes it’s better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it will only hurt you when you know they can hear you but they can’t understand."


  1. :(
    As long as someone hasn't experienced the same as you, that someone will never know what you have been going through... still are going through. Nice quote you found, also what you wrote about your worst nightmare and the bag pack... so true!

    1. Thanks Tracy for being here and commenting, can always count on you! <3

  2. Thanks for being my 'breastfriend', it means a lot to me!
    Unfortunately the quote you found is so true, beautiful, but also very sad we have to struggle with this... We will learn to deal with it, at least sometimes!

    1. Yeah very happy to have you as my breast friend as well! I know, that quote is amazing.. and I really have to learn how to deal with it.

  3. LOVE that quote... And I hear you on the deserted island. Thinking of you and here if you ever want to vent.

  4. I have been searching for days for something to say that might be comforting. I have nothing. I don't know how you feel, or what you are going through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's one of the reasons my belief system is the way it is. You, this wonderful, amazing, beautiful, peaceful, kind, free-spirited person, must endure this......thing.
    Even now, I am trying to find the words. I hope that there is someone you can open up to, to relieve some of the burden. No one should have to go through this alone.
    I wish I was there, just to hold your hand. Just for a moment. Maybe I could make you smile...