May 1, 2013


My first Herceptin definitely brought back some of those horrible chemo memories. I felt nauseated for a few days. Very tired as well, but I guess that's still from chemo. So Herceptin, like my nurse said, ain't no rose water... but chemo is like a billion times worse.

I still did a lot of crying the past week. Now that my little safe chemo circle fell down all of a sudden it's hard to interact and meet again with people. My aunt and uncle, my neighbour, people your family knows, random strangers. I'm still really struggling with that. But I'm trying.

Today I had to go to the hospital for my echocardiogram and this girl my age walked by and turned her head. I can't help myself but wonder what she was thinking. Did I scare her? Did she think I was dying, or perhaps did she find me to look pretty good and totally in fashion despite my cancer head/hat.

It's me versus the world. I don't know where I stand exactly yet, but I do know this whole thing has changed me. It will change me. People look at me differently. I wrote about this earlier that people can be really ignorant. If you don't know what to say, please say so. Especially right now that I'm having such a hard time... it's like living the nightmare over and over again describing my journey to other people. 

I do want to share one story with you guys. My last Neulasta injection was given by a woman because mister Neulasta was sick at the time. She was just there for the injection. She sat beside me and started asking me all these questions. What kind of cancer I had, whether I still had my breast or not, how chemo was going. She asked if my hair was already growing back and almost ripped my hat off my head! I swear! To top it off, she asked me about my fertility! Yes! I could just kill here right there, right then. People can be so RUDE! I really didn't handle it well and I should have shut her up at the first question. But I'm learning. I'm learning because of you ignorant noisy b****.

On to the good news.. My ejection fraction was 62% this time. So I get to continue the Herceptin for now. To a steady heart muscle!

P.S. Yes this title refers to the Care Bears. Yes I bought three on Ebay! 


  1. Je zou zo iemand toch wat aandoen... Ongelooflijk! en die werkt dan in de zorg...
    Herkenbaar, eerst ben je zo verbaasd, later komt de woede en het verdriet. Dat stomme mens moest eens weten.
    Ben blij dat je hart zich weer herstelt! En de troetelbeertjes zijn geweldig :-)

    1. Ja kon het zelf ook bijna nauwelijks geloven hoe nieuwschierig/brutaal mensen kunnen zijn.

      Yay voor troetelbeertjes! <3

  2. I guess some people just don't know how to treat people who've gone through a lot, some people might think they make you feel understood when they ask so many questions and some people just don't think before they talk.

    The questions she asked are so personal, I'm not sure how I would have reacted. I probably would have thought "that's none of your bloody business..." I don't know.

    Happy to hear about your echo results. If the results should be between 50% and 70%, 62% is satisfying, right?


    1. Yes 62% is pretty good news! I hope it stays that way!

  3. I was where you are at a while ago. It does get better. It just takes a little time to figure out how to proceed with our new lives. Unless others have been through it, I have found they just don't get it. I chalk it up to ignorance but that doesn't make me feel any less annoyed. After my last Muga heart test, my percentage went down. From 63% to now 57%. My oncologist said it is well within normal range but will do the Muga test sooner than every 3 months to make sure the Herceptin isn't continuing to decrease my heart function. The trade offs we endure are not fun but necessary. Prayers going to you for continued strength and peace.