July 5, 2013

How are you

It's always weird when strangers confront you with your illness. I mean seriously, I know I would never do that to a person I do not know. But apparently there are people out there confident enough and see no problem with it. I was with my sister at this health store buying Weleda products. I was wearing my hat not my wig.

The lady at the counter asked me whether I used these products before. Yes yes I'm a fan. She then asked me whether or not I tried the pomegranate line. I told her I'm not familiar with those products. She then said, "I'll give you some samples, may you use lotion and oil products? I ask because I have a friend... and well I know there were products she couldn't use during treatment."

Okaaaay. Weird. I felt weird. A little uncomfortable. There were people standing in line behind me. Quickly I told her I already finished chemo and I can basically use anything. "Oh gooood", she said, "and your prognosis?" Wow. Really. "Yeah I'm fine, everything is fine!" I said.


Truth is. I'm not fine. I'm having a hard time lately. Three months since my last chemo and I have been crying for the last two weeks. It just takes me off guard sometimes. These feelings. My head becomes a dark hole. My heart weights so heavy. The pain is intense. I do not have any control over my nerves. The tears just keep coming and coming.

I think I have accepted these pretty pretty tears by now. It makes sense right?! After all the shit I've been through, I also have to go through this. I have to process what happened to me. I was worrying so much about not knowing how to pick up the pieces but I'm not even there yet. First you mourn I guess.

So yes I have been thinking about seeking help or reading a book about dealing with cancer. But again: not there yet. Today I realized I need to seek distraction in things that aren't cancer. Things that make me happy such as art, being creative, shopping, bunnies, books, TV series.

Since my hair is working hard on a serious come back I decided to dedicate a page to it. You can find it on the menu on the right or just click here. I will update this page every month.


  1. Even three months out - that's still not a lot of time out. And your body has been in a swill of drugs and hormone changers during treatment too, so that's a lot to bounce back from on top of the emotional and physical challenges. I'm sorry you are crying so much, and I hope the tears take away whatever is triggering them.

    Enjoy your art, bunnies and books :) I think you are on a good track by focusing on those things you love. Take care! ~Catherine

    1. Thank you Catherine! I know you are right, 3 months out compared to the year I've been through is nothing. Thanks for your comments! I really appreciate your words! XX