Life after chemo has been hard on me. With a sad face I want to pout, 'Herceptin isn't anything like they promised it would be. You liars, it reminds me way too much of chemo.'
I know I always described chemo as my black hole. The darkest, coldest, loneliest place on earth. But this weekend I think I hit rock bottom. It was freakin' hot and sweaty with lots of salty tears.
I have been feeling so sad for the last couple of months. My heart aches. I am nervous about everything. Everything. I seriously do not have any control over my nerves any more. I don't enjoy the things I used to. I'm so sad about everything that has happened to me. So scared about everything that is still coming up, the Herceptin I won't finish until January 2014. I see bears on the road everywhere. I'm done. It's been over a year and I'm done. I could not make it one step further.
So there I stood... in the middle of the room with my hands clinging to the dining table. Crying uncontrollably and screaming out loud I was going crazy. With my dad on my right side and my mum on my left side. Holding me.
I broke.
So it's time. To reach out. I realized I can't do this all by myself any more.
So we called my oncologist and his secretary forwarded my appointment to next week. I am going to tell him how I feel and that I'm ready to see a psychologist.
Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.
Yes. I finally made my decision and I realize that I won't be healed in a week or forgotten everything after a year. No this will be my bagage for the rest of my life. So I better make sure I give it a nice place. A little corner. Because I deserve that.
Wat naar om te horen dat je zo verdrietig bent en er doorheen zit.. Maar wat goed van je dat je om hulp vraagt. Ik ga je binnenkort even mailen. Hang in there! Liefs
ReplyDeleteBedankt voor je lieve mail, net gereageerd! :)
DeleteOh Ciel, all your last posts brought tears into my eyes. I didn't comment, but you should know that I do read every single post you blog, mostly right after you post it (timezone advantage ;) ).
ReplyDeleteI just wish for you that everything will be ok for you, that you can live a happy life again, and I hope for you that it doesn't take so long until you reach that point again.
I think seing a psychologist is a good choice. Talking about feelings always seems to help a bit, also if it's quite hard (at least for me) to talk about such personal emotions.
Hope you get an appointment soon!
I like your hair diary, esp. the little heart you're holding :)
Sending hugs up north!
Thanks Tracy, I do always appreciate your comments. I'm actally amazed your still keeping up with me ;) Thanks for your sweet kind words! Just updated the hair diary :) Hugs back!
DeleteGood for you in asking for help. I hope you find what you need from the psychologist, and you start feeling this weight lift from your shoulders. Hang in there, you will make it. ~Catherine
ReplyDeleteThanks Catherine! I think it's a step in the right direction again and I feel a little less lost.
DeleteOh my sweet colorful friend. When I think Of you I think of all these amazing colors so bright and vibrant but this most is so grey. Yet I see this cloud breaking through and soon enough those colors will come back out. Slow and one at a time but they will. Please know I'm just a text or email away. Sometimes opening up to ppl far away is the best medicine. Nothing but love! Xo
ReplyDeleteOh Ann Marie thanks for your beautiful words! You are so sweet my breast friend!
Deleteoh, ceil,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for all you have gone through; the assemblage of baggage that brought you to your breaking point. I envision a tranquil respite for you to just float through, a chance to one again connect with the ethereal and lovely colors and textures that are such a comfort and inspiration, and so YOU - they are the elements that will waft back into your mind, body and soul as you work through things with the phychologist, discarding what you don't need, and the joy of putting what is essential back where is belongs inside of you.
just breathe, and think of all the love you are surrounded with.
much love, and light to find your way,
Karen,TC xcoxoxoxo
Ah Karen, thank you so much I am so hoping to find that inner peace again.. and that creative happy place inside of me! I know it's still there.. thanks for the love!
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