Let's start with Cancerversary. Because after all today would be my one year Cancerversary. Really?! A Cancer-fucking-versary?
An anniversary is a day that celebrates a past event that occurred on the same date of the year as the initial event.
I'm sorry but the appropriate response to a "Cancerversary", is just NOT “congratulations”. There is nothing good about having cancer. I get that some people see it as a date to celebrate life and the fact they pulled through. I don't feel like that. Maybe when I am done with treatment and step by step putting this behind me, when I will feel 'whole' again, like a person. A new me. Better, stronger and improved. Hell, maybe even carefree some days. I will celebrate that new woman's life and enjoy every single minute of it. But I do not need a stupid fucking Cancerversary for that.
The other term I'm really uncomfortable with is survivor. Just like Cancerversary it's just not something we use in my language related to cancer. Yup no concept of “cancer survivor” in Dutch. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I would never call myself like that.
Survivor is someone or something that still exists after an event that could have killed or destroyed them.
Last night I was watching Homeland (great show) and Brody said, "Don't call me a hero, I was captured and shoved in a hole and all I did was not die." And I could relate to that. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit here. Maybe it's unfair to all the pain I felt and am still feeling. But what word do we have for the people who fought just as hard and didn't make it? And why only cancer? We don’t say the same thing when someone has congestive heart failure.
So today I cried. Bawled my eyes out, exactly like one year ago. Only this time it's because I'm so sick and tired of everything cancer.
"Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. "