New colours

Oh these long haired hippie bunnies of mine are very high maintenance. But I love them. It's kind of sweet and funny taking care of their fur while I have no hair at all myself.

Now I'm exhausted. But I wanted to come here and write because after all, tomorrow is my last chemo. I still can't believe it actually. Number 8, finally.

November 9th 2012 I started with the AC treatment 4x every three weeks. February 1st 2013 I started my first Taxol/Herceptin, 4x every three weeks and I was suppose to finish on April 5th 2013.

As you could read in my previous posts, unfortunately after three treatments my ejection fraction dropped down to 53%. I did a MUGA scan last Tuesday and will have the results back next week.



So I will be finishing chemo, Taxol... but no Herceptin for me until... well until I talk to my oncologist next week.

So this is not exactly the way I was expecting to finish chemo. April 5th is a date that has been in my head since November. It's hard when things don't go as planned. I'm having a hard time letting go. I don't know what I'll do if they tell me I can't do the Herceptin at all. I really hope we're going to give it a try and that they keep monitoring me closely.

But for now let's focus on finishing that chemo chapter. It's scary. I know the story will continue. But I also hope there will be some light at the end of this chemo drug hole tunnel. It's very emotional. Because I've been through so much. Now comes the time I'm probably going to realize it.

May number 8, the last one, be gentle with me.

Number se7en

It started with two days of crying and sobbing. I still don't really know if that's the Dexamethason messing with me or if these feelings are really coming from inside. I do believe the chemo drugs are seriously fucking with me. This stuff is hardcore. Since chemo travels to each cell in the body via the bloodstream, it obviously must have an affect on your thinking. It seems I pulled through pretty well this time. Just keeping my fingers crossed for next week when the white blood cells will drop. The weather is so cold over here. No infections. No nothing please. 

At the end of the week I all of sudden realized I have only one chemo left and started reading about Herceptin and Hormonal therapy. So basically I ended the week like I started it, with lots of crying and sobbing. A few hours later I decided to put on the big girl panties, the wig and some make-up. I went out for some groceries. Which sounds lame, but it was exactly what I needed.

So yeah I have to admit for a while I wasn't living in the now any more. I have one chemo left. One. I have some seriously mixed feelings about this. I know, of course I'm thrilled it's over. Chemo was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through in my life. I've never felt so sad and alone. I've never been to darker corners in my life before. But now what? Will my body be okay. Will it back me up when I need it the most. Can I depend on it again? I guess we have to trust each other again, and that  takes time.

My family keeps reminding me of all the fun stuff I get to do once chemo is over. How much better I will feel. This drama queen started yelling she didn't want hear it! I'm not ready. I can't see it yet. I don't feel it. I have so many worries left. Such a long path lies still ahead of me. The Herceptin for the rest of the year and I will probably soon start the Hormonal therapy for five years. Which is not just a pill, but one with many consequences. So many things to worry about. I will get my mammogram and dexa scan in June with a follow-up appointment. My first echocardiogram this week. How can a person not worry about that?!

My life will never ever be the same. Not when I finish chemo. Never.

But.

It's spring. Soon it will be summer. My favourite time of the year. Things will get better. I'll find my way.. even if it's through a wilderness of despair. 

Two left

It's officially March! Can you believe it?! I have one more chemo in March - and one more chemo in April.

So how did the last one go? Well it was definitely not as bad as the previous one. So no puking in the parking garage or sleepovers at the hospital. Good.

It was no walk in the park either. I was so happy though, that I finally had a private room this time. It really helped me control my nerves. My parents were both with me. We were even finished an hour earlier than I expected.

The next day mister Neulasta dropped by (yes I have my personal hot 'shot' now) and gave me my first injection. He was actually surprised I made it so far without any of these miracle injections.

I experienced a full week of extreme fatigue, some uncontrollable sobbing, bloody noses, muscle and bone pain. My eyelashes and eyebrows are pretty much leaving me. I still have those damn mouth sores. But it looks like with a little extra Neulasta support, my natural defences pulled through and we made it. 



It feels really weird knowing I have two chemo's left. I will be so happy and relieved. I can't wait for my hair to grow back. Oh man and home sweet home. I want to feel great and healthy. I am longing for sunshine. I want to go out and be happy again.

But I'm also very very scared. How am I going to cope with everything, things can never go back to normal. I will never be the same person. Without chemo will my body be okay? The thought of going back to work makes me nausea.

I know I just have to take it easy. After all I still have to do Herceptin every three weeks for the rest of the year. Of course there will be lots and lots of appointments scheduled at the hospital. It's not like they're leaving me to my own devices.

Lots of hand-holding before I'm ready to step back into the world. I just have to take my time. Sometimes you take three steps forward, one step back, no step the next day, and then a side step before making forward progress again. I will probably find back pieces of my old self. I just have to use them and paint (or shoot) a new picture with new colours.

Through the veins

Yesterday I talked to my oncologist on the phone. We talked about me staying at the hospital for six days and what other options we have to prevent such thing. He decided we're going to try a Neulasta injection with my next chemo treatment.

This injection will be given the day after chemo and stimulates the bone marrow and promotes the growth of white blood cells. These white blood cells help your body fight against infection. Most common side effects: bone pain. 

So yeah that doesn't exactly sounds like a treat. I already read way too many stories about it on the internet. I'm just so scared. All the poison going through my body. What's going to happen this time? Will my body cope? Will I be in a lot of pain? There's no way to predict. You just have to accept it, deal with it, hope for the best and let it run through your veins...

Hospital horror

Two weeks ago I had my first Taxol/Herceptin treatment. It already seems so long ago because a lot has happened. But this is the story. Uncensored.

I was incredibly nervous. By nervous I mean having to puke in the hospital's parking garage. By nervous I mean having to puke in the car six hours later. It was the first time I had to stay that long and I hated every single bit of it. The smell of chemo department is just... obnoxious. It's just so disgusting, even now.. when I think about it I feel sick to my stomach.

The first few days I was very tired. I slept a lot. Then I started to have the famous flu-like side effects. By the time it was Wednesday I had a very sore throat, nose bleeds and muscle pain. On Friday it got so bad I could barely swallow and I also had a fever. We called my doctor who dropped by that afternoon and told me to go to the ER for some blood tests.

I was under the assumption I would leave there with some antibiotics but was told right away I would be admitted to the hospital because of my fever. They also did a picture of my lungs. When the blood tests came back it was obvious my white blood cells were way too low and I had a throat infection. I was given antibiotics through an IV right away.

When starting chemo you know it isn't going to be easy. You know you're going to get sick. But at least you're home. In your own bed. I'm not much of a hospital person. I already knew this. But it was very hard for me to accept that I had to stay there. So I cried my eyes out. I felt so out of control.

The first two days I had the room all to myself - thank god. On Monday I got a roomie who barely spoke any Dutch. I'm all for privacy in hospitals. And big screen TV's. I really had a hard time trying to keep calm but as days passed I more and more started to adapt to the situation. Being admitted to the hospital once was my worst nightmare when this whole breast cancer story started. So all and all considering I didn't do so bad.

The not knowing part drives me crazy though. Not knowing when you get to go home. Not knowing when you're having lunch, when it's pill taking time, when the doctor will see you... you have to depend on so many other people it's frustrating! A couple of the nurses were really sweet for me though. One even brought me ice cream for my throat.    

At first they told me I would probably get antibiotics for like two days through an IV and then I would change to pills. However, eventually they kept me on the IV for 6 days. At some point my veins got all blue and hard and they had to give me another one. I had to do a blood test every other day. I still feel and look like a pincushion!

After a few days I my throat started to feel better and my fever went down as well. I got to enjoy the lovely hospital food. Insert sarcasm here. 

After six days, on my mother's birthday (Valentines day) I finally got to go home. I still have to take antibiotics for three more days. But I'm home. At last. Reunited with my furry bunnies.

The fact I have three more of these treatments scheduled make me feel very nervous. My oncologist will give me a call Monday or Tuesday and I definitely have a some questions for him and will tell him about my worries. For now I'm hoping to rest and gain back some of my strength because believe it or not, treatment is scheduled next Friday. Time flies... when you're busy being sick.

Robo girl

You pick up the pieces and dust them off. First Taxol/Herceptin tomorrow. Only three left after this.

The thrill

Wednesday I saw my oncologist. Well actually I got a call 30 minutes before my appointment that I could leave 30 minutes later. This man takes so much time for his patients that his schedule is usually mixed up. Even after we arrived there, we still had to wait for another 45 minutes.

Most of his patients know this by now. Because he takes just as much time for you as well, it's not a problem. I was inside his office for 45 minutes. We talked about the last four chemo treatments and how I experienced them. It was a good conversation. It felt good to get it all off my chest. We discussed the panic attacks. He told me I am in control. I decide whether I need help or not. Basically I said I didn't want any right now, because enough is enough. I want to get through these last four and then seek help. That's my plan. He said it was good to have a plan.

Then he also checked the boobies and the scar which was very satisfying for the hypochondriac in me. Nothing strange came up.

We talked about the upcoming chemo treatment. According to my oncologist most patients experience TH as a lighter chemo version than AC. Of course there are several side effects and allergic reactions known.. but we'll just have to wait and see how I'm going respond to everything. The not knowing part, makes me nervous... but I guess when it comes down to it I'll be there. I will finish them just like I finished these previous four.

Then there's the controversial subject of eating soy. As a vegetarian I don't eat animals. I don't want to change the world, I simply love animals. I do sometimes eat soy products to replace the meat. But after reading more on the internet I realized the benefits and risks of foods such as soy, which contain plant estrogens, are not well known at this time. Until the issue becomes clearer, many websites recommend that women who take hormonal therapy or who have estrogen-receptor-positive breast cancer (like myself) avoid soy supplements because they contain high concentrations of isoflavones. But in general, it's fine to eat moderate amounts of soy foods as part of a balanced diet.

I don't believe products like soy can cause cancer. It is probably just a case of bad luck. But what if my tumor responded to the isoflavones and started to grow because of it? This whole thing makes me feel very uncomfortable and obviously leaves me with another big question. How and what am I going to eat in the future to stay healthy? My oncologist was a bit confused about the whole thing as well. He told me to look into it some more. If I am not able to make a decision for myself I should contact him and he'll look into it. Maybe I should talk to a dietitian about a plant based, soy-free diet. Or an organisation outside of the hospital specialized in cases like this. I don't know, I don't know.

Then on top of everything my mother mentioned my photography to my oncologist. She was like, "show him, show him something". Really embarrassed I showed him the 'Flowerheads' photo and he wanted to see one more. And then another one. He thought it was great! He even made a note about it and told me we should do something with this...

So all and all it was a pretty good appointment and I left feeling great and relieved. But then after a few hours, after all the cancer talk started to sink in, I slipped into my I-wish-this-wasn't-happening-to-me-and-I-feel-pretty-sad-mode. It's weird how your mood can change just like that.

Today I met with the nurse for a more detailed description of the TH treatment. I have a little more faith now than before so that's okay I guess. But it is still a matter of first seeing then believing. I also got my Dexamethason prescription (ugh). She also told me to try and break the circle. Seek for a thrill. Which things still make me happy, make me smile, give me energy and make me forget. So I decided to pick photography and my bunnies and this is what happens...

No bunnies or bald heads were injured during this shoot. But I insist you do not try this at home. It takes a lot of practice and a little photoshop to make it work. Lola needs her fur more than you do. So please say NO TO FUR!