Love

I haven't posted in almost a year. My cancer diagnosis was about five years ago. I almost can not believe it.

Time is such an amazing concept. Time helps to heal, just not all wounds. Sometimes it seems like a movie I once saw. Sometimes it only seems like yesterday. I find it important to look back and reflect on how far I have come (reading through journal posts, going through photos). It also seems right to move on when you're able to let go. It is such a process. So different and unique. So dark and yet filled with hope until things brighten up and the light gets in.

I will never ever be thankful for getting cancer. I will hate it more than anything in the world. But I accept that its part of my story now. That it has changed me as a person and that I'm growing into this person that I want to be. Even though it is a daily struggle. I feel emotional and vulnerable. It is never easy. I am soul searching for my dreams. I'm aware of life around me. I'm fighting the shadows. I'm setting my priorities straight. And perhaps the best of all, I found love and I have so much love to give.

About a year ago I decided it was time for a change.. I did chemo, I can do a dating site right?! I met this vegetarian boy and we hit it off with long emails, whats app and facetime conversations. We ignored every rule from the dating handbook. I told him almost right away about my illness and he gets most of it because he's a general practitioner, a family doctor. We didn't meet in a bar for the first time but at my place because we were already that comfortable with each other.

We've been together for nine months and I have made some amazing personal progress. There are times I can literally feel my soul is healing. Love is like spring. Everything is in bloom. It's because of him I am able to look at the future again and feel good about it. My poor broken body is getting to know love, softness and positive attention. Instead of being bullied with drugs and needles. He is incredibly funny and makes me laugh all the time. We're both super weird. He is sweet, sensitive and caring and has a beautiful soul. He makes me so happy (smile-like-an-idiot-happy) and I can not wait to go on new adventures together with him. 

My energy level is still a tough one. But I'm planning my life and adjusting to the situation as it is. I'm hoping for it to improve as more years go by. When I finish the Tamoxifen/Zoladex in a year and half I'm sure it'll get better as well.

I have been questioning what I want to do with my life lately. I'm quite sure I do not want to be a secretary anymore. So where do I go from here? I have some soul searching to do... and I will take my time and figure it all out. Because I can.

I'm thinking this would be a nice post to end this blog with. Although my story continues. Sometimes it is time to let go...

Sending you all much love...

P.S. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or feel the need to talk.

First day of summer

I keep thinking I need to update.. but then I start reading my own blog. Page after page, words written by me. How those three years changed my entire life. How I handled things. A horror story. Yet written with humour and sarcasm. The medical facts, the struggles and the forgotten memories. Broken to the core. But hopeful and creative.

I'm just so thankful I started this blog almost four years ago now. It feels quite amazing reading, experiencing, looking back. It was such a long dark road.

I think it helps to heal. The road to recovery and remembering where you came from, it'll give new insights. Today. Matters. The here. The now.

I had my annual mammogram a few weeks ago. That feeling, that you'll never be able to shake this off, will start creeping and haunting you a couple of weeks before the date. Nervous Nellie here she comes. Sometimes I barely notice it but the tension in my entire body says enough. This time it was a little chaotic, new hospital wing, they were running late, long waiting hours.  But she called out my name and that is my cue. Strip down. And smash those boobies. They hurt me so much this time. The mammogram actually left me with several bruises on my breasts. It is such a fucking torture. They need to come up with something different here. We can go to Mars but not come up with a new boobie machine?! Anyway after waiting some more I got to go home and she told me everything looked fine! I just felt extremely tired that moment, I had a nagging headache. I was relieved but not happy. I think the tension builds up so much you need to get rid off it before you can feel happiness again. The next day I had another appointment with the mammacare nurse and she confirmed as well everything looked fine. The day after that I was able to finally feel happy again (and bought myself a new bag and ordered Chinese food yessss).

Work is going quite well for me. The short version is that I decided to jump (once more) and I started working as a secretary again. Same division, different building, different people. It was hard at first... but I think it helps me as well. I'm way more visible as a secretary, can not really hide behind anything anymore. I get to meet new people, I run into former colleagues.. people who know me and my story, people I don't know but know my story (well or so they think). It is a bit of a weird experience. All the responses you get. The super weird and sometimes very intimate questions. Sometimes it is hard and I'm freaked out about it.. but I'm also able to deal with it. I'm getting stronger. I enjoy spending time with colleagues, silly office humour, the teasing, the smiles... it is good for me.  It really helps picking up the pieces for a 'normal' everyday life. I enjoy working for my boss. To be able to assist him, to help other people by doing my job. It helps with the confidence to feel useful.

Today I talked to my psych.. about many things. We are now working towards closure. I will have a few more appointments and then in December we'll try to finish and have our last one. It feels good. It really does. I'm coming to terms with things. I have come so far, and I especially realize this when reading this blog. She complimented me on this as well, I have changed so much in the last few years. Slowly, slowly I'm getting there. Finding back old pieces and creating new stories. The glue is holding it all together.

I have a vacation coming up. Which feels a bit weird because when I had my last vacation, this thing all started and I did not come back for like three years. I hope I'll be able to enjoy it after a few days. Reintegrating is pretty exhausting and it should be good. Relax a little nervous Nellie.

I do have something special planned... which I'm definitely going to write about more. You see my eyebrows never grew back after chemo. Like 5 hairs... quite sad. I'm getting so sick of drawing them on my face every morning ugh. Sometimes I'm scared I'll smudge them or when walking in the rain they will fall off. Tough life. So... I found this amazing woman who does cosmetic and medical tattoos. And she is going to tattoo my eyebrows with this special 3D microblading technique. Apart from the radiation dots I have no other tattoos. So I'm really excited about this.. but also a bit nervous! I mean, come on it must hurt to have a tattoo in your face right?! But I'll be so happy afterwards, waking up in the morning with the perfect brows! Will keep you posted!

Life got in between

Hello there, remember me?! I wanted to write another update to tell you about my progress. Because I hate blogs that aren't updated anymore and you never know what happened to that person. I just hope one day, somebody reads this and feels a little less lonely. That my words or photos will mean something to just one person. That be enough.

When I started working again last year, at the same time one of my former bosses found out he was sick. A melanoma spread to his brain and lymph nodes. I was his secretary for about 4 years. So I sent him a card and in January I wrote him a long email. He wrote me one back and was so happy to hear from me. We chatted about our treatment, hopes, distraction, loving family/friends and photography. He knew he wasn't going to get better, but there were still lights of hope. He had surgery and was going to start immunotherapy... but it wasn't meant to be. He got partly paralysed because of a cerebral hemorrhage and died at home with his wife and twins. 

I really felt the need to be at his cremation. To be surrounded by people who knew him. I have been thinking about him a lot. Mostly happy memories of a secretary. The cremation was intense, sad and personal. Music was our 'thing' and we always talked a lot about concerts.. he even gave me a CD for my birthday once. So when I heard James Bay, Venice, Dotan & Coldplay... it was just perfect. 

Afterwards I went up to his wife who also spoke during the cremation. What a beautiful soul! What a gorgeous strong person. It's strange how people you barely know can touch your soul like that! Wow. I told her my name and she said her husband showed her my photo series of the Chemo Chronicles. She gave me a tight tight hug.. and she said, "But look at you now, you're still here.. you're still standing strong"... and at that moment I realized what the term 'survivors guilt' really means. But don't get me wrong I'm really really glad I went.  It was a powerful goodbye. 

I have slowly started to cut back on the antidepressants. Well at least one of them, the ones that are making me fat and hungry. I'm still taking the Citalopram, but I kept gaining weight on the Mirtazapine. I'm a vegetarian but I felt like I could eat an entire horse every night. It really got out of hand and it made me sad, which is exactly the opposite of what its suppose to do right?! I took a 1/2 pill for 3 weeks, and now I'm on 1/4 for the second week. I have had some withdrawal symptoms but I'm determined to quit this happy-but-fatty-pill. 

I have been seeing my physiotherapist twice a week. We are working on my muscles, strength, condition, balance, flexibility etc. It is hard work! He makes me sweat like a pig. 

I am currently working 5 hours on three days.. and I also work a couple of hours at home. It still is a struggle.. mostly the fatigue and joint pain. But I enjoy being among colleagues. People seem generally happy to see me, I still get hugs and kisses when they see me. I started working as a project assistant for a pretty big project and that is something I have always enjoyed. I'm still not sure what is going to happen to me, because I'm reintegrating and I don't have a permanent job, I'm surplus. But I try to not to worry about that, and have faith what will meant to be will be. Also I might have to work as secretary again.. and that feels like taking a step back. Being back at work you see people with new jobs, who have developed and educated themselves. I talked about this with my psych and what matters now is I will feel better about going back to work. Finding back my confidence, a daily rhythm. I am still young and I have plenty of time to find out what it is I really want. 

My company doctor. Oh my, don't get me started on this guy. He actually told me.. and I quote, "Compared to other people in your situation, I think you can't do anything." Are you fucking kidding me?! I was so pissed. I told him about how hard it was for me to look at the things I have achieved and that I am working every fucking single day to look at the positive things in my life instead of the things I have lost. I was really emotional but determined! In Dutch we say, die heb ik een poepie laten ruiken.. I kicked his ass! 

So from that point on my appointments are a little more pleasant. He actually gave me a compliment last time we spoke. Ha! So always, ALWAYS stand up for yourself... but also realize you never EVER have to apologize for the way you chose to survive. Don't abandon the person you used to be.. but carry her! Be brave, be strong!

This is her fight song

I have been back at work for about three months now. I'm currently working three mornings at the office and I'm planning on making some extra hours at home. It still is a struggle. There are times when I'm really happy to be back. To be a part of 'something'. Complain about the weather or the computers. We talk about pets, silly things.. office humor. But I'm struggling with the damage cancer left and the current side effects. The fatigue, the joint pain and the mood swings. I try not to let it rule my world. But I have to make it a part of my daily routine some how. Which is hard.

Yeah it IS hard. Sorry, but I'm not sorry for saying that out loud. My company doctor basically called me a 'pessimist' the other day. I don't really think he understands the power this disease can have over you. Our worlds are far appart.  And that's okay. But don't you sit there in your fucking chair and judge me. Because I've seen more dark places you can ever imagine. However we agreed to keep my working hours the same for the rest of the year. I need to find some sort of rhythm, balance, peace. JOY!

Today I saw my oncologist. He told me that because of recent research it is now proven I would have benefits (like +2%) from using the Tamoxifen for 10 years instead of 5. They're not quite sure about the Zoladex yet though. So it looks like me and 'menopause' are going to be together for... a long time. Tamoxifen is the first hormonal therapy medicine choice for postmenopausal women so of course this puts me at ease. But it's also quite a lot to take in. I think I'm going to focus on the first 5 years (it will be 2 in February 2016) and will deal with the rest when I have to.

I will leave you some links that I actually found pretty interesting and perhaps you will feel the same!

• What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? You definitely must read this!
• This designer was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma at age 24, going through nine months of chemo and radiation before going into remission. She designed the cards she wishes she's received from friends and family. 
• "Give yourself time to be sad, frustrated, and angry. Give yourself time to heal, accept, and to grow. Time doesn’t erase anything, but it can provide you with enough space to be able to breathe again. And then one day you wake up and your heart has a little bit of sunshine in it. And day by day people offer you pieces of their hearts to help remake your own. Allow yourself to be where you are at, to feel what you are feeling, and to experience everything that means. And during this process, look and listen for that glimmer of hope. It is there, I promise. And it is waiting for you to see it. Because one of the most beautiful things about humans is their capacity to heal, grow, and survive. Facing it. That is how you get through." - Jessica Jensen
• If you want to spread some kindness but don't know where to begin, join the Card Bombers Anonymous and become a Kindness Ninja! 
•  You MUST watch this if you need a little something to lift your spirit. Will make you cry, that's a promise! 

Let the river in

It's been a while since I picked up my Canon. Before I got sick I spent a fair amount of time working on my photography. I loved to create dreamy photographs with interesting themes. Topics that inspired me and got me out of my comfort zone. It was such a huge part of my life. So when I got sick.. and I mean really really sick - when going through chemo it helped me so much. It was my lifeguard. My outlet. My canvas. Those photos are still very personal and intimate to me. You can view the series here: Chemo Chronicles.

During recovery I reached a point where I couldn't watch myself in any photographs, creative or snapshot. It was just all way too confronting. All I could see was the pain. The destruction.



Recovery is a process. Not a day goes by I'm not working hard on healing my body, mind and soul. And that's a tough thing to do. It's exhausting. I get angry at times, I feel lonely sometimes. But I keep climbing that mountain because I want to reach the top and enjoy the view.

So even though I already felt exhausted.. today I picked up my camera and went on a photowalk. I forgot what that was like... nature, me, muddy shoes, putting your tripod in dog shit, things like that. Deep fresh breathe of air. The birds. The sun light. The silence. Although I'm not completely comfortable in my body right now (I've gained some weight because of the Tamoxifen AND the anti-depressants) I took these photos like I used to. And I think they mean a lot.

They stand for healing. Acceptance. Let that river in. Go with the flow.  

The fear

Living with 'the fear' is one of the hardest things when you deal with cancer. You take nothing for granted any longer and you realize how carefree life used to be. The 'what if' pops up regularly, but you try to avoid going there when you can. Because at some point you have to take back control of what once possessed you and your entire world.

I think every person has these alarm bells, but after having to deal with cancer let me tell you they start to ring a lot louder. We can never be sure if the fear is grounded, but it's real and happening. Just as we were landing back on our feet we get hit by the fear. It consumes you. It's like a bad deja vu. A serious mindfuck.

When I started to have breast pains in my other breast this week I thought the cancer might have come back. The scenarios in my head were endless and the fear was creeping in. I think it was for the first time in three years I seriously thought something could be wrong...

I visited my home doctor the same day and she reassured me it was probably nothing. She felt no lumps and everything seemed normal. Just to be sure she made me an appointment at the Mammacare poli at my hospital. What do you mean deja vu?! So the next day I saw a nurse, a doctor and a radiologist (which sounds like a bad joke). They made an echo (because I had my mammogram like three months ago) and told me I was fine. I learned a little more about breast pains and such but I'm especially very very thankful for the way they handled things. They took my complaints very seriously and they were very sweet and gentle. I have to come back in like 6 weeks for another check-up and I think this puts me at ease. I can breathe now.

For me this was a serious reminder though. How scary and lonely this disease is. How fragile our lives are. We really need to slow down and go with the flow.. really see things and breathe. Enjoy and be thankful for the tiny treasures. Sometimes things don't work out, or you're having a rough day.. that's okay because you can try again tomorrow.

Love & light.

The real world

I think it is time for me to write a little update and tell you I took another big step. Big as in huge. I went back to work. Can you believe it?! A year ago the thought of work alone would have me breaking down and now I'm doing it.

I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?

So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!

Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.

I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't  even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.

My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.

P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY! 

(En)joy!

Summer has officially started and it's raining cats and dogs. So I'm on my laptop, listening to some music while staring out of the window. I'm home.

I have been back at my place for about three months now and although I still have crappy days... it feels good to be able to take care of myself.

I actually feel like I have been able to really 'enjoy' things. Fresh flowers on the  balcony or in my home. Saturday movie nights with the bunnies. Simple walks through my neighbourhood or bike rides to the farmer's market. Shopping and lunch dates with my sister. The birds checking out the new birdhouse on my balcony. Getting another haircut. Cooking and trying new recipes. Talking to my bestie from High school who I had not spoken to in over ten years! Doing yoga with my Tara Styles DVDs. Restyling my home and finding a new coffee table while thrifting. Having my retired colleague over for a visit. And of course there's always a creative craft project to work on!

I still feel very fragile and vulnerable though. I'm easily swept of my feet by other people's thoughts or cancer related news on the TV. But hey, I have been through a lot and I'm okay, even though sometimes I'm not. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. Sometimes your heart needs more time to understand what your brain already knows. So lets be patient with ourselves. Embrace ourselves and the strange things that make our weird big heart happy. Stop comparing ourselves to other people. We are all beautiful and unique.

I also had my annual check-up which is always a nerve-wrecking thing. I get nervous and come up with these horrible scenarios about three weeks before the actual mammogram date. But I went in, chin up.. smashed boobies afterwards... and I was told everything looked fine. So that was quite a relieve as you can imagine and I celebrated with ice cream and cake. My treat.

I try to remember myself we have no control over the future. Later is now. We really do not need a lot to be happy. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, your health, flowers, books to read, furry paws, a cozy home and to love and be loved. Joy must be the most magnetic force in the universe.

Leap...

"Leap and the net will appear." -John Burroughs

I did it!

I really did it.

One of my biggest goals for this year was to move back home into my own apartment together with my bunnies. After living with my parents for two years, the support they gave me... I have no words for that. I will be forever and ever grateful for that. They were next to me with every step I had to take.

Despite me moving out and oh my god it was very emotional... for everybody. It was the right move. The right time. Spontaneous and crazy. But I have changed and I know now, the net is there when I need it. I love my family. This whole disease has changed our ties. The connection I feel, the love, the warmth. It heals me. We cry, we laugh, we hold hands.

I've lost a lot because of cancer and I know I still have a long way to go. But I finally feel like I'm rebuilding my wings. I also know that every single emotion I felt or went through.. it had to be felt. Exactly like that. Because I have to work through it... in order to move on. The people that are no longer in my life... well that is fine. I don't need them. I'd rather surround myself with people who actually support me and inspire me.

This thing will always, always be a part of me. But finally... there is light. Love and light. And wounds are healing. Body, mind & soul. I have planted a seed and it's going to grow and bloom. There will still be bad days. Depressing stormy rainy days... but they will pass.

I think I'm finally benefiting from the anti-depressants and the Mindfulness training I went to... it all lead to taking this step forward. So we keep moving forward... because that's the way it works. Climbing the mountain... while running into some bumps every now and then. 

So here's to spring & new beginnings.

I have a thing for lists

+ I had 5 sessions of the Mindfulness training so far and it has been good! I'm so glad I took the big jump and went for it. I love the meditations techniques, the way how it's actually a lifestyle. It changes your perspective, even though it's hard and it goes very slowly. But this is something that is close to my heart. Definitely. I can recommend it. Whether you've dealt with cancer or not, depression or anxiety or stress at work.. or simply feel the need to take a deep breath. Check it out!

+ I spent a couple of afternoons at my own place. Watching TV, drinking tea, a walking meditation through the neighbourhood, rearranging my livingroom. AND I even brought the bunnies with me twice! It was so cute and emotional and it brought back so many memories. I love these sweet fur babies. Hopping through the house, finding back their old favourite spots. Next step: spending a night in my own bed. My psychiatrist told me that I still have some mourning to do, but there's only one place where I can do this and that is my home. I guess that makes sense and all. So it is not going to be easy, but eventually things will get better and I hope to feel more confident about myself.

+ I am trying to get of the couch and set new goals. So I went to the Kröller-Müller Museum with my dad and saw work of Picasso, Monet and Van Gogh! I was nervous and tired... but I did it. I also went to this children's farm/petting zoo with my parents. Hey never too old for these things. I refuse to grow up especially when I hug a goat. It was wonderful! I love animals! We also went to this beautiful protected nature area for a windy walk and it was good. Fresh air!

+ Another thing that was really important to me was visiting my friend who had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was really looking forward to seeing her and her first daughter as well. So cute! So it was good talking to her and I had a lovely afternoon with lots of smiles. 

+ I also had one of my favourite little visitors coming over, my colleague's son. Who is just adorable and we played on the ground and had fun. 

+ I also celebrated Lola's 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Furbabies, they grow up so faaast! 

- The bad stuff. I'm still struggling with my anti-depressants. I am now using a mix of Citalopram and Mirtazapine and the side effects for the last four weeks have been awful. I did lots and lots of crying. I have been feeling like crap. Emotional, vulnerable, scared. I'm meeting with my psychiatrist next week so I'm hoping it either goes better by then and otherwise we have to talk about our next step. Perhaps I need to take a break from meds because I'm so tired. But this scares me as well, because I really could use some 'help' with the big steps in recovery I still have to take. We'll see, we'll see. 

+ I'd like to finish with something positive. At Mindfulness training we had to keep a list of positive things that happened during the day for a week. Because we often remember the bad stuff and neglect the good happy tiny pleasures in our life. I actually felt really good about this and decided to go on with it. I found a wonderful app called Gratitude356. Practising gratitude has been scientifically proven! You can check it out here if you're interested. Give it a try!

What is Mindfulness

You could call it awareness, attention, focus or presence. Mindfulness has roots in Buddhist philosophy and religion which I find very interesting and fascinating. But it also takes on a new, secular definition when viewed from a Western psychology view finder.

Or as the famous Dr. Jon Kabat-zinn defines it, you can think of mindfulness as simply being fully in the moment, paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgemental.

Sound simple? It's not. Being engaged 100% doesn't come easy, especially in our world of distractions. It means actively listening and not zoning out (even a little) when your co-worker tells the same story for the third time, and it means using all your senses in even mundane situations like washing the dishes or waiting at the bus stop.

So what's the point? Well the benefits sound pretty amazing actually:

+ Mindfulness is good for our bodies: A seminal study found that, after just eight weeks of training, practising mindfulness meditation boosts our immune system’s ability to fight off illness.

+ Mindfulness is good for our minds: Several studies have found that mindfulness increases positive emotions while reducing negative emotions and stress. Several studies in fighting depression and preventing relapse.

+ Mindfulness changes our brains: Research has found that it increases density of gray matter in brain regions linked to learning, memory, emotion regulation, and empathy.

+ Mindfulness helps us focus: Studies suggest that mindfulness helps us tune out distractions and improves our memory and attention skills.

+ Mindfulness helps people with PTSD: Studies suggest it can reduce the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the aftermath of a traumatic happening.

Here are a few key components of practising mindfulness that Thich Nhat Hanh, Jon Kabat-Zinn and others identify:

• Pay close attention to your breathing, especially when you’re feeling intense emotions.
• Notice—really notice—what you’re sensing in a given moment, the sights, sounds, and smells that ordinarily slip by without reaching your conscious awareness.
• Recognize that your thoughts and emotions are fleeting and do not define you, an insight that can free you from negative thought patterns.
• Tune into your body’s physical sensations, from the water hitting your skin in the shower to the way your body rests in your office chair.

If you're interested in reading more you should definitely check out Thich Nhat Hanh and Jon Kabat-Zinn books written on Mindfulness.

I have decided to jump (with a heavy nervous heart)... but I'm going to be part of a Mindfulness training. It's organised by the psychology department in my hospital... so I will be familiar with the surroundings. But I'm very nervous about the whole thing. However I do think, this type of thing fits me and I could really benefit from it. I will start next week Wednesday.

So let's take a deep breath...

Like a rolling stone

A new year. New feels. New breathe. New chances. Same dreams, fresh starts. Out of my head and into the moment.

But then this happened and I think I sort of had a breakdown two weeks ago. Lets just say it involved a bathroom floor and lots of crying.

I finally realized I needed to cry out of for help again. Because I was taking 45 mg anti-depressants... but really what's the point when you're on the floor of a bathroom? So I called my psychiatrist and long story short; we're quitting the anti-depressants (this week 30 mg, next week 15 mg) and then we will meet again to talk about my other options. Let's face is, with the Tamoxifen/Zoladex there aren't that many options left. But I'm sure there's something I can try. Which means I can start all over again. New meds, new side effects, worrying if this is IT.

Despair. Frustrating.

So then I had a couple of pretty good days. I went to the hairdresser, got my first serious hair trim (well at least it felt like that) and I also let it dye. Which means new profile pic! So it looks pretty good, curly... and like the old Ciel. Except.. I am not.

But hey then I spent some time in my house. Have been restyling a bit, cleaning, etc. and it felt really good! So good I could dance (and perhaps I even did a little dance because no one was watching me).

It still drives me nuts that I can go from feeling pretty good at one point... and hit rock bottom like two minutes later. I know this is called recovery and I know partly it's the Tamoxifen/Zoladex. But still... it's pretty fucked up. It makes me feel like crap. But I know I have to work through all these feelings and emotions and when I'm ready I will release the ones that no longer serve me. Love, light, patience and kindness are the answer.

Perhaps a little mindfulness will help? I'm looking into this... if I go through with it more on that some other time.

So depression, what it feels like? Like I am drowning and everybody else around me is still breathing. Sometimes it feels like I carry this big rock around my neck, and it's so heavy. I get upset over EVERYTHING. Which is hard to understand for other people. My heart, my soul, they are in pain. Some serious pain. So I have been looking into a more spiritual way of healing.

Creating a sacred space. Be gentle with myself (really tough). Crystals and cleansing. Meditation. Becoming closer to nature. Chakra balancing. A photo a day challenge on Instagram. Today I had lunch by myself and treated myself to a big bowl of veggies and fresh mint tea. Well whatever keeps me going... It is a fascinating magical world after all.

P.S. Shut the fuck up about Blue Monday.

Stormy head

So I come here to write about the bad days and today is one of them. Which means prior I had a couple of pretty great days; I visited my colleague's farewell party (which was a HUGE step) for me, I had another colleague and his son visiting me yesterday, I also spent some time with my sister interior shopping and eating ice cream which is always good. But today... is crap.

Last week I talked to my psychiatrist and he is a very nice man. He gets it. Which is nice. Although he has a Lego lunch box. He explained a little more about how the anti-depressants work and such. I have another appointment in six weeks. Until then we see how it goes... But I'm not climbing this mountain without any bumps in the road... that's what he told me. It's completely normal that I still face bad days. To be honest I think I'd freak out if I didn't had any after everything I've been through. He also said, I react the way I do to certain situations, because of what happened to me. I don't have enough 'leverage' to respond in a way I would normally do.

My company doctor told me to spend more time socializing, replace cancer by fun stuff. If only it were that easy. But he also gave me another compliment that I'm doing great even though it might not always feel like this. He said, "Six months ago I couldn't even have a proper conversation with you and here we are talking and laughing."  He wrote down he wants me to work on my physical condition and that I should spend some time at my own place. By giving me these 'orders' I totally freaked out of course... because I feel I have to do this my way, in my own time.

But hey last week we started cleaning my apartment. After two years I have to say... it IS necessary. My parents are helping me with this, and when we're done, perhaps I can spend some time at my cute little place by myself. We see how it goes. When I'm ready. I should do this my way. My way. Or the fucking high way.

I bought myself the new iPhone 6 plus, very happy with it! Also got my matching sport band so I can start walking again. If it ever stops raining that is!

So for the last couple of days I sort of had these moments were I feel dizzy for just a second. Not when I get up, but more when I sit or stand still. It's weird. The hypochondriac awakes... definitely do not trust my body. I mean I was confronted with my own mortality at age 30, this is just... well obviously you think the worst. But then again you don't want to jump to these conclusions after all the treatment you have been through and well, you don't want any more doctors or fucking scans... so what to do? I know it's probably the medication causing this and I will bring it up next time I speak to one of my doctors. If shit hits the van and it becomes worse I will see my home doctor. But for now I just have to believe I'm okay. Okay. 

Once again the weather fits my mood. It has been raining and feels a bit stormy all day long. Lets aim for a better day tomorrow!

Changing colour

So it's been a while, Hello October. In case you were wondering, I'm ignoring Breast Cancer Awareness month. Call it denial. Whatever. I am so done with that shit.

As for the running part... that didn't go as planned. Wow nothing does go as planned did you notice?! Better all let it go and see what happens... So I ended up with some serious knee ache and decided it was better to quit for now. I cried a lot because of the quitting part yes. Because I finally had found something that made me feel normal, and not like a patient. Something that felt so good... and wow my body could handle it. Guess not. So I am not giving up on this... but for now it's back to walking. Today I walked my first 5K. It was pretty good... the music, nature, just me, myself & I... at fast pace.

I'm still experimenting with the anti-depressants. I am now on 30 mg. Because after a few weeks things were back to normal (in other words: lots of crying). But I can't really say the 30 mg is making me feel a hell of a lot better. Don't get me wrong I have good days, but it's still a struggle sometimes. I know with anti-depressants you have to give it a few weeks.. so that's what I'm going to do... and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist in a week or so.

What else, what else? I saw my radiologist which brought back lots of bad memories. Radiation treatment. The dressing room, autumn, walking through that hallway with my upper body undressed. So I try to do what my psychologist says, I let myself think about it... for a while... let it flow. Then I tell myself, you are here now, no treatment whatsoever. You're okay. And then I try to move on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I suppose it takes practise, but I kinda think that is the way to approach these triggers.

Next week I will have my Zoladex injection. But it's the last one this year. 

I have been keeping myself pretty busy with penpalling, snail mail, mail art, mail swaps, etc, etc. I enjoy it a lot! I also have been working on Christmas postcards for my Etsy store, they are already available if you want to check them out!

I also had my second hair cut! It really is growing and my curls are sooo coming back! I also have a pair of new specs which I really love. I have started to buy some new autumn/winter clothes as well. Which feels good. Ah and I also gained some weight. Hallelujah!

Blue sapphire

He said, " You really are different from last time I saw you. The problems seem to have less control over you, it is more like... you have taken back control."

That's what my company doctor said. He was quite happy with my progress (remember: progress = progress no matter how small). But I took some steps, made some decisions. Here I am, voilà it's September.

So let me start with that horrible physiotherapy training. I quit. I did it, I finally decided it wasn't for me. Thanks to Ashley who reminded me there are 100 ways to climb a mountain.

The only thing it did give me was enough confidence to put on my running shoes and just go for it. Before I got sick I used this app called Get Running and I really liked it so I am using it again. You can find more information about it here. Basically it's a Couch-to-5K running plan, but I will start running twice a week instead of three. I will take it slow. Let my body get used to it. But fuck hey, I'm doing it. My first run... was very emotional. Because I was thinking of the horror my body went through... and now I was here all of a sudden... fresh air, beautiful nature, wind in my HAIR! I really cried my eyes out when I got home. It was good. A milestone I would think.

I always do some yoga stretches after my run. If you're interested, I follow exactly this routine. I try to do some other exercises for my upper body through the week, low key, whenever I feel like it. No pressure. First priority is: running. Because it is something I like and I think I really could benefit from this mentally as well.

But I made another decision after talking to my psychologist and psychiatrist... I was going to give the anti-depressants another go. So I made this long list for my psychiatrist and he was pretty cool and understanding about everything. I am still seeing my psychologist every three weeks and it's nice talking to a woman. But this dude, well he gets me. Which is good I think when somebody prescribes you medication. I have been taking it for almost a week now... I think I feel a little more calm, a little less emotional... more steady? Of course it is way too early to tell how this will work in the long run. But at least I'm not freaking out or feeling like a zombie (it happens, been there.. done that). So I think we're on the right track with this as well. Which made me cry as well. Weird eh? I have been feeling so much pain and heartache... now I finally get a little bit of fresh air... As if I'm taking a deep breath... and I cried because I didn't have to cry.

So all and all that sounds pretty good and uplifting doesn't it? I don't expect miracles all of a sudden.. but at least there's improvement. I expect more bad days, but I know the sun will shine as well! 

Rain grows flowers

Just before I went to sleep last night I checked my phone and stumbled upon this message on facebook about people with a lumpectomy that did have a reoccurrence. 

Try getting some sleep then. 

I actually realized that I haven't been thinking that much about reoccurrence. I think I have that hidden somewhere deep down inside of me and I don't want to think about it. But last night that door was set open.Wide open.

It totally freaked me out. What would happend if I had to relive my worst nightmare all over again?

Forever and always my biggest fear will be that my cancer may return. 

So there I was in the middle of the night. A silent, yet paralyzing fear that I felt in my soul, in my bones and heart. Creeping and crawling. I told myself I was okay and kept repeating that.

I stood infront of my window, trying to get some fresh air. Without my glasses the world looked so blurry and dark. As a photographer what do you do when life looks blurry through the viewfinder? You adjust your focus.

It's weird how everything seems worse at night. Because I don't want to feel like that again. I have been disappointed by people as well. Cancer is isolation and loneliness. 

But hey who's in charge here? It's little ol' me. I need to make some changes. Some decisions that are good for me. Be selfish with myself.

Because if a certain person/website/board/social media/... or whatever it is that is making you feel bad... it is time to cut them out. 

Simple as that. 

I am going to focus on things that make me happy. Sweet people that are loyal and true and are helping me to feel better. Love is stronger than fear. So I am going to try and love really hard. 

I know I already took some small steps... I want to fill my heart with what is important to me and be done with the rest. Starting another blog where I write about other things than my disease is one of them. You can check it out here: Tea with Bunnies.  

Courage, dear heart. Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Be happy with what you have, while working for the things you want. Time and patience are your best friends.

Sporty spice

Yes I had a couple of days that were pretty okay. I think my psych now realizes she inspires me more when she encourages me and gives me confidence. So even though our conversations emotionally drain me, I would like to think they will help me in the future.

I actually think that people around me started to notice I might be doing a little bit better. Maybe I am scared to admit it, because another bad day is peeking around the corner. But that's because my depression is still overshadowing everything. My psych says, even that person, the one I feel is lost... is still in there. Deep down. You don't lose your core. Everything I do, or feel, my entire being... has been taken over by depression.

At first I didn't believe that because I am having good days as well! But you can be depressed and have a good day! Such an eye opener for me!  You can wake up extremely sad and emotional and go to bed that same day feeling pretty okay. These mood swings are just another sign of depression. I never knew, I never realized this. I think accepting this, and embracing it, letting it be... is the first step in healing.

Now that we're talking about taking steps. I went to this physiotherapist that specialises in people being sick and wanting to get back in shape. I have to admit our first conversation wasn't a great one. His phone kept ringing... and hello I am sitting here telling you a fucking painful story! But I decided I came this far, I bought a new comfy sporty outfit, so let's do this. Still I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to our first appointment. Which was today.  

So I always hated all of these fitness machines. That is why I always loved dance, yoga & running. But now I can officially say I walked on a treadmill. I did some exercises on a huge ball. Which was awkward. I also spent some time on the... cycle hometrainer thingie. There were so many old people, but I didn't really care about that. My physiotherapist was more in his element in this room than he was during our conversation. So that was okay I guess.

But it feels like such a big commitment. I want to feel better. I want to feel less tired. I want my head to have some peace. This whole thing is such big deal to me and it's very upsetting. Because I am 32 and I have to train with all these golden oldies. Because of all the crazy treatment and medication that fucked up my body and mind. But this is new to me. I am not good at that right now, dealing with a new environment, new people, commitment. All I can hope for is that it will make me feel better at some point. That it will give me some confidence! Perhaps that I find some joy or satisfaction?

Here comes the story of the hurricane

Everyone has a story to be told. Sometimes struggle is part of that story.

How do you feel about your home? Is it your home sweet home? Did you decorate it, picked out the furniture and the colours? Do you have lots of happy memories that make you smile. Do you picture yourself growing old in that little corner in the world that is yours. Because after all, there is no place like home?

Now picture a hurricane totally destroying that same house. Everything you built is gone, destroyed. Not just the outside but on the inside as well. Every little detail that once made you feel safe... is now gone.

That is cancer.

Exactly two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was a big fucking hurricane. So no this is not a cancerversary because I hate that word. Treatment might be over, but I'm still stuck in the middle of this crazy dystopian story. Trying to pick up and dust off, some of the pieces. A hurricane leaves quite the mess. That place, that used to be so solid, is now trembling. It is still burning. No longer do I recognize it. So lost and confused, where to begin?

Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about the outside — it's also about healing your soul. It is an emotional struggle. I read last year's post and realized I have come a long way. I am not where I want to be... but I will one day. Progress is progress, no matter how small. I think I finally feel/understand that now.

For a year and a half my life was all about getting through treatment. These days I embrace my good days, and as for the bad days I try to let them be. They say grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

Face this

Sometimes I don't know what to share on all of these social media sites. I have been open about my disease from the beginning. But I always have been afraid people will not understand the things I post. They see pictures of me smiling together with the buns and will think I'm happy. I post pictures of my hairgrowth because I'm proud of that. I share my artwork. I show a new dress. When I share a funny picture they will think I am okay.

But... what they do not see is me sitting on the couch sobbing. Because there are no pictures of that. You don't post about the sadness of it all on facebook, now do you? The real truth is much darker. I cry A LOT, I scream and then there's a billion other emotions (no Emoji icons for that) and yes... sometimes I laugh.

I may be done with treatment but that doesn’t mean cancer doesn't still affect my life. I suppose it will always be a part of me. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind. Right now, for me that means an emotional struggle, trying to pick up the pieces while fear, grief and fatigue still play a big role.  That is what I shared with the world today. I don't really expect people to understand because they can not and never will, unless you went through the same thing. 

I hate it when people tell me they 'get my journey' because their aunt had cancer or something like that. You don't know shit. Three words: DO NOT COMPARE. Please.

I also shared some great news, because I had another mammogram today. The results were fine! So yes I can breath again. Did I mention that it hurt like hell?! Far worse than the first two times, which probably has something to do with my weight loss. But hey I am thankful for this and for each hair on my head.

Love yourself first

I seriously have way too high expectations. Life, people... blah. Words do hurt. The absence of words do too.

All I wanted was a bit of happiness, a bit of sunshine. So far it has been raining and not exactly a good month. But May isn't over yet. Perhaps it's not too late.

I am so tired of feeling all these feelings. I'm scared and lost. Lonely and angry. Sad and nervous. I know I try too hard sometimes. But I just wish a day would go by without me thinking about the c-word. Because I am sick and tired of it. Everything. People have no clue about the ripple effect.

Next week I have to talk to the insurance doctor at the UVW about my sick leave. Not exactly something I'm looking forward to. But hey it's the c-word... and that is how it is.

I hate how much I doubt myself. I can't stand how emotional I am. I stress about everything. I can not even begin to explain it. You might think I'm crazy. But trust me the effects of the c-word are HUGE. I know I'm better off accepting it. But that is very hard. Because the c-word took away so much from me. I know if I get through this it will make me a stronger person. With a different view at life. But I'm not there yet.  

Okay at least let me try to end this with some positive news. Six of my photos will be available in the Cardcetera webshop as a postcard series! I am so proud of this! You can read an introduction here. I really should listen to my own advice I just realized. These postcards are pretty clever ;)