(En)joy!

Summer has officially started and it's raining cats and dogs. So I'm on my laptop, listening to some music while staring out of the window. I'm home.

I have been back at my place for about three months now and although I still have crappy days... it feels good to be able to take care of myself.

I actually feel like I have been able to really 'enjoy' things. Fresh flowers on the  balcony or in my home. Saturday movie nights with the bunnies. Simple walks through my neighbourhood or bike rides to the farmer's market. Shopping and lunch dates with my sister. The birds checking out the new birdhouse on my balcony. Getting another haircut. Cooking and trying new recipes. Talking to my bestie from High school who I had not spoken to in over ten years! Doing yoga with my Tara Styles DVDs. Restyling my home and finding a new coffee table while thrifting. Having my retired colleague over for a visit. And of course there's always a creative craft project to work on!

I still feel very fragile and vulnerable though. I'm easily swept of my feet by other people's thoughts or cancer related news on the TV. But hey, I have been through a lot and I'm okay, even though sometimes I'm not. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. Sometimes your heart needs more time to understand what your brain already knows. So lets be patient with ourselves. Embrace ourselves and the strange things that make our weird big heart happy. Stop comparing ourselves to other people. We are all beautiful and unique.

I also had my annual check-up which is always a nerve-wrecking thing. I get nervous and come up with these horrible scenarios about three weeks before the actual mammogram date. But I went in, chin up.. smashed boobies afterwards... and I was told everything looked fine. So that was quite a relieve as you can imagine and I celebrated with ice cream and cake. My treat.

I try to remember myself we have no control over the future. Later is now. We really do not need a lot to be happy. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, your health, flowers, books to read, furry paws, a cozy home and to love and be loved. Joy must be the most magnetic force in the universe.

Like a rolling stone

A new year. New feels. New breathe. New chances. Same dreams, fresh starts. Out of my head and into the moment.

But then this happened and I think I sort of had a breakdown two weeks ago. Lets just say it involved a bathroom floor and lots of crying.

I finally realized I needed to cry out of for help again. Because I was taking 45 mg anti-depressants... but really what's the point when you're on the floor of a bathroom? So I called my psychiatrist and long story short; we're quitting the anti-depressants (this week 30 mg, next week 15 mg) and then we will meet again to talk about my other options. Let's face is, with the Tamoxifen/Zoladex there aren't that many options left. But I'm sure there's something I can try. Which means I can start all over again. New meds, new side effects, worrying if this is IT.

Despair. Frustrating.

So then I had a couple of pretty good days. I went to the hairdresser, got my first serious hair trim (well at least it felt like that) and I also let it dye. Which means new profile pic! So it looks pretty good, curly... and like the old Ciel. Except.. I am not.

But hey then I spent some time in my house. Have been restyling a bit, cleaning, etc. and it felt really good! So good I could dance (and perhaps I even did a little dance because no one was watching me).

It still drives me nuts that I can go from feeling pretty good at one point... and hit rock bottom like two minutes later. I know this is called recovery and I know partly it's the Tamoxifen/Zoladex. But still... it's pretty fucked up. It makes me feel like crap. But I know I have to work through all these feelings and emotions and when I'm ready I will release the ones that no longer serve me. Love, light, patience and kindness are the answer.

Perhaps a little mindfulness will help? I'm looking into this... if I go through with it more on that some other time.

So depression, what it feels like? Like I am drowning and everybody else around me is still breathing. Sometimes it feels like I carry this big rock around my neck, and it's so heavy. I get upset over EVERYTHING. Which is hard to understand for other people. My heart, my soul, they are in pain. Some serious pain. So I have been looking into a more spiritual way of healing.

Creating a sacred space. Be gentle with myself (really tough). Crystals and cleansing. Meditation. Becoming closer to nature. Chakra balancing. A photo a day challenge on Instagram. Today I had lunch by myself and treated myself to a big bowl of veggies and fresh mint tea. Well whatever keeps me going... It is a fascinating magical world after all.

P.S. Shut the fuck up about Blue Monday.

Home

I am now officially 33 years old and Christmas went by pretty quickly. I was actually able to enjoy myself. Well I did the best I could. Being with my family was good. Opening presents and stuffing ourselves with good food. Watching Home Alone (1 and 2). Snuggling with the bunnies. It was good. Better than last year and WAY better than two years ago.

But.

Right now I feel terribly sad. I think I am done with 2014. When I look back I think of all the projects and hobbies I picked up to help me through the day. Whether it was Wreck This Journal, photography, blogging, writing letters, Postcrossing, Swap-Bot, Etsy, art journals, flower pressing... or a helluvalot DIY projects.

But it's not enough any more.

I want my life back. I am so sick and tired of feeling miserable. I want to feel alive and part of this world. I want to be independent again. I need to be where I belong. Oh dearie, I miss my home.

So where are we on the apartment cleaning? Not quite ready yet, but it's slowly coming along. 

I was hoping I would feel better by now. Be more steady. Less mood swings. More happy days. But what if I'm waiting until I'm ready... and perhaps no one is ever ready to do anything. What if there's no such thing as ready. We only have now.

Of course I have to stay patient and trust my journey. But what if all it takes, is one big step? I know I have my safety net, it's always there but it still is god damn scary. So 2015 I challenge you to be better! I don't know exactly when... but I am coming home.

Home is where the heart is

Despite me freaking out about my conversation with my company doctor... I took some big steps. I can feel the change.. and it makes me very nervous... but it is with mixed feelings because I'm also proud of myself.

+ We started cleaning my apartment.
+ I bought some new things for my home. 
+ I spent there an afternoon by myself which was very emotional and therapeutic.
+ Even though I do not live there yet, I had my boss over at my place for tea.
+ Saw my company doctor and explained why I freaked out over our last appointment and he totally understood. He also said I should continue to work on these steps I'm taking. But that I'm not fit for work yet. So for now I'm trying to focus on moving back home, trying to enjoy life more... be more stable.
+ Sold all of my Christmas postcards in my Etsy shop.
+ I had lunch with an old colleague.
+ Spent some time with my sister; shopping, tea time, lunch etc. 
+ My colleague and his 2 year old son visited me.
+ I really enjoy swap-bot! You can't buy happiness but you can swap?!

- I still feel very emotional and cry about really silly things. 
- I am overwhelmed by almost everything.
- I panic when I have to make appointments or have to add structure and rhythm to my life. 
- I'm having doubts whether the 30 mg antidepressants are enough. I have to discuss this with my psych in December.
- I sometimes cross my boundaries and I end up feeling really exhausted. 

+ Despite living at my parents' place for two years my home still feels like home.