Fall

I did the 24 hour pee test. I collected my urine for 24 hours and brought it to the lab. In October I will have another appointment with an internist where I will get the results back from the urine and the blood test. Then I'll find out if I need to take medication as a precaution for osteoporosis.

I also saw my radiologist which was just a regular check up. Everything was fine.

This week I met our company doctor for the first time. We have been having our conversations over the phone for the last year. The appointment itself went okay I suppose. He understands I have to finish my Herceptin treatment before even thinking of going back to work. Which is good. It's just that I feel uncomfortable talking to another person about everything.

I still get upset so easily. Even when my boss just asks about my appointment with the company doctor. I get suspicious and anxious. People that are asking me about living with my parents. I really find it hard to talk to people again. I'm so scared of being judged. I realize I'm just very tired and vulnerable at the moment and that every word, every sentence they speak might be too much for me right now.

If that wasn't enough I also had another echocardiogram. Passed it with a steady ejection fraction of 62%. So at least that's good news. Her-crap-tin may continue.

I have been getting lots of reactions to my hair lately. Even three compliments by complete strangers who do not know any of my cancer story. Although I can not wait for my curls to come back,  I have to admit that did feel pretty damn good.

Today on the other hand, my neighbour did not recognize me with my post chemo hair. Awkwaaaard. 

I also had a really weird sincere moment with one of my parents' neighbours. He came to check out my dad's new Vespa. I was standing outside in my pink pyjamas and my bunny slippers and he walked towards me and just hugged me and told me they were thinking a lot about me. I felt so overwhelmed by this and got teary eyed right away. It just felt so honest and sincere.

Love and hope. How important.

Beast of burden

I'm exhausted. I spent the afternoon at the hospital yesterday. Today I had to see my radiologist. In other words; another trip to my favourite place in the whole wide world.

These appointments are still hard for me. They make me feel so sad. You think you would get used to it, but really you don't. Because #1 they are confronting you with your disease. And #2 there's always something new around the corner.

I spoke with a nurse about Osteoporosis because it runs in my family. My test results from the Dexa scan weren't that upsetting but it's very likely I will develop Osteoporosis later on in life (a lot of people do). So in order for them to make a plan and keep monitoring me I had to do more blood tests. Best of all, I get to do a 24 hour urine test. Really. I have to collect all of my pee for 24 hours. Sigh. Really makes you wonder where it will end?

All these appointments and tests are such a heavy burden. It's so hard to forget and just continue your day. I can't do that. Which brings me to my psych. I talked to her again and time fly by this time. Which is a good sign I suppose. I can also officially say, I think she's a good match for me now. She understands me. My character. She gets it. 

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I currently use Lorazepam for my anxiety and she wants me to talk to a psychiatrist about different options of medications. I have very mixed feelings about using an anti-depressant but then again... if it could make my life just a little easier right now. It seems worth checking into. 

We talked about being in the now. Which is very important for me because I'm struggling so much with the Herceptin and everything else (all the bears). We also talked (I cried like a baby) about chemo. I told her about my photography and how I feel it got me through chemo. She was very curious so I gave her my card and she said she would take a look at my work. I hope we get to talk about it next time. 

She told me that photography got me through rough times. The hardest part is over. I have to find my strength back. Things that inspire me, that give me back my drive. Things that make you forget the C-word for a while. Block those thoughts (and no there's no button). I have to start the count down on the Herceptin. I have to promise myself fun stuff, I need things to look forward to. So I will be able to finish this chapter of my treatment as well.

I try

Did you know there is a direct relationship between the lack of estrogen after menopause and the development of osteoporosis? After menopause, bone resorption (breakdown) outpaces the building of new bone.

Although the results of my Dexa scan and blood works were okay. My onc gave me a call and told me he wants me to see a Osteoporosis nurse anyway. I think he wants me to be on Calcium and vitamin D supplements or something like that. He told me it's because I still have such a long road to go with the Tamoxifen and all. So it's all a precaution.

But for me it's another appointment at the hospital. Medications I have to take related to my cancer. I fucking hate it. I'm so tired. I have 4 hospital appointments scheduled in September, one at work... and this Friday it's Herceptin nummero 10/17.

Waking up in the morning is the worst. I have never been a morning person... but there are times I don't know how I'm going to cope with everything. I try. Man I try. To be positive. The stuff I tell myself... but it just doesn't always work. You're just happy to make it through another day. 

I still get so sad sometimes. About everything. But also about the lack of understanding from other people, especially when they're close to you. Words that can hurt so much. I tell myself they haven't walked in my shoes, so they don't know. They can't possibly know.

I did visit work again, which was good. It still feels weird and uncomfortable being there. But it's important for me as well. To interact with my colleagues. I get so overwhelmed though, when I'm in a room and all of a sudden six people show up and they all want to know how I'm feeling.

Of course there's lots of comments about the hair. There are days I love my hair, I love every single hair on my head. But when I look in the mirror I'm also reminded of the story and the pain behind it.