Who is in control

My psych told me to keep writing so here I am. Behind the keyboard.

It's been two weeks since I started my Tamoxifen/Zoladex trial. So far I have only experienced mood swings. Although I have to admit I've had those before I started this trial. So... I am not really sure where this is going. I tried to ignore all of this stuff and not think about it. But then I read a piece on fbook (darn internet) and I got all upset afterwards. Because most reactions weren't positive. All messages from women with horrible side effects. Even one that wrote her side effects started after three months. So now I'm not sure what to think of this anymore. My psych told me to integrate it with my life. Make it a part of my new life. I guess I just keep on going and when I reach a moment the side effects kick in and I can not handle it anymore; I know in the back of my mind I can always quit. But now that I have started... I feel like I have to do this. I want this. I want to be that positive voice that will be able to say okay Herceptin and chemo were hell on earth... but Tamoxifen/Zoladex... not so bad. I want to be that person. Please let me be that person.

I also had an appointment at work about me applying for official sick leave at the UWV. Which was tough. My brain can not cope with so much information at the same time. This guy kept going and going.. and all I could think about was how painful this is. I kept wondering if he understood that. So we have to collect all these different papers and fill them out next time. It's crazy. But I guess I have to be thankful my country has a safety net like that. I had a good talk afterwards with my boss though. I really explained some of the things I am going through right now.

One of my favorite authors came to my town and I got a signed copy of one of his books. At first I didn't want to go because I was afraid I couldn't stand in line for that long. Things like that make me really nervous. Places with lots of people. It's so totally out of my comfort zone right now. But I went anyway and it was good.

The weather has been spring like lately and I have been taking walks and feeding the ducks and swans. 

I have been drawing a lot in my art journal. A great outlet. Gives me more joy than photography right now.

Today I went shopping for new jeans (yes still weight loss) and ended up buying some cute spring clothes. Which I haven't done in ages. I was totally exhausted when I came home.

So these are good things. But I hate how the bad things always have the upper hand. How extremely tired I am. Fuck that shit. I am a 32 year old woman and I am so jealous when I see a person jogging with their iPhone. When I freak out over the smallest things. How I always have appointments scheduled at the hospital. A new mammogram is already scheduled for June. Then I read about a young girl's cancer returning. And it just breaks my heart. This horrible fucking disease I hate so much. It is always present and that makes me so sad. 

The sleepy girl

I'm tired and that's a fact. I would like to explain that there are different ways to feel tired. Because it's an important factor to deal with when you're a cancer patient.

Treatment takes its toll on your body. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy obviously have a huge impact and can make you feel exhausted, even years after finishing treatment. The build-up of toxic substances that are left in the body, yes even when you're done with treatment, can cause extreme fatigue. Doctors do not know all the reasons cancer patients have fatigue. Many conditions may cause fatigue at the same time. It's confusing for both sides I guess. But it makes sense when I tell you that your body needs extra energy to repair and heal body tissue damaged by treatment right?!

Side effects. Yes a lot of us need to take the five year pledge of Tamoxifen. A fantastic drug with a billion side effects and fatigue is one of them. I mean serious business here. I've read stories of 30 year old women whom felt like 90-year-old-walker-grannies. This is one of the reasons why I am so scared to start taking this little pill. Depression is the other one.

The emotional stress of cancer can cause physical problems, including... yes fatigue. It's common for cancer patients to have changes in moods and attitudes. Anxiety and fear are big words all of a sudden. So we often reach a point where we feel both tired mentally and physically. A tough place to be in. Throw in depression. You'll get one big messy pile. Oh so fragile. 

I have FIVE Herceptin left. So I decided to approach this matter in a positive way in my art journal. But when I was done I felt like crap. Five is still a lot and it was so overwhelming. I hate the fact I won't be able to finish my treatment this year but that I have to do two more in 2014. 

So my mood swings are horrible. They go up and down - up and down during the day. I get upset over the smallest things. I worry worry worry. All while I try not to get upset and not to worry. Get it? How this contradiction is wearing me out. 

I am so sensitive. I open facebook and I read another story about breast cancer. I cry. All the Pink Awareness crap I have unsuccessfully tried to ignore. I am sorry if that sounds cruel. But there's another contradiction there. I get so much strength from reading everybody's stories that are similar to mine. And then again, they make me so sad as well and sometimes I just want to avoid breast cancer in general. I don't know if that makes sense. Fight Club quote: "You met me at a very strange time in my life." True story.

So what else is new? I am now taking calcium and vitamin D medication because of the whole osteoporosis thing. I'm seeing my therapist next week again. Psychiatrist and Oncologist are scheduled for November. Wonderful. 

I noticed a small change inside of me. A positive one. The introvert I used to be is slowly turning into someone who thinks communication is a wonderful outlet. Even though it's within a small safe zone, it's progress. When something is bothering me, I now ask myself; am I going to worry about this for three days or just say what is on my mind? It usually comes down to it that I speak my mind. So that's a good thing and I'm hoping to develop it further.

Hair diary update! It's starting to look curly on the back. But hello I want curls on top as well. Guess it's still too short for that.