Seriously?!

Today was my appointment with the insurance doctor at the UVW. The Dutch safety net for people who are sick for longer than two years. I was nervous but prepared. Or so I thought.

I was meeting with this doctor under the assumption we would talk for an hour. He shook my hand and then said, "So you had a tumor and are depressed now?"

Wow. I mean wow. REALLY?! That's how you start a conversation?

So I answered that my story was a bit longer than that and so was my treatment plan. So we discussed that for a bit, I went through the numbers... radiation therapy, chemo and herceptin.

Then he wanted to know why I wasn't working. I know he was doing his job, but seriously just a tiny bit of empathy would have helped and made me feel better. I gave him the papers of my oncologist and pharmacist because I came prepared. He made a stupid comment about the font size of the paper work the company doctor sent.

Then we talked about my emotional state of mind and he asked me why I wasn't seeing a therapist more often. Fucking rude dude!

If you think that's all... no he wasn't finished. After 15 minutes (!!!) he asked if I wanted to add anything to our conversation or felt something was left out. I was flabbergasted this was it. So I told him that I didn't feel our conversation did justice to the pain I am feeling and the horrible thing I went through at age 30. You know what he said? "It could have been worse, you should be happy to be alive."

So yes I left there very upset. Yes that's an understatement. I called my boss afterwards and I'm thankful for her support. I know whatever happens I still have a job. I also have a good feeling about our company doctor and his judgement.

At first I was really upset and sad... but now when I think about it I get so angry as well. Treating me like that after everything I have been through. You do not have the right to speak to me like that! Motherfucker. It's not like I broke my leg or something like that. I didn't go on a cruise asshole! I had cancer and my soul and body feel torn apart.

Next week I have to go back for another meeting with an employment specialist. I am seriously hoping for someone a bit more qualified. Or better yet, a bit more human.

Fuck cancer

So there are a few terms in cancerland I really loathe. Today is the perfect day to explain myself and let you know why I feel this way.

Let's start with Cancerversary. Because after all today would be my one year Cancerversary. Really?! A Cancer-fucking-versary?

An anniversary is a day that celebrates a past event that occurred on the same date of the year as the initial event. 

I'm sorry but the appropriate response to a "Cancerversary", is just NOT “congratulations”. There is nothing good about having cancer. I get that some people see it as a date to celebrate life and the fact they pulled through. I don't feel like that. Maybe when I am done with treatment and step by step putting this behind me, when I will feel 'whole' again, like a person. A new me. Better, stronger and improved. Hell, maybe even carefree some days. I will celebrate that new woman's life and enjoy every single minute of it. But I do not need a stupid fucking Cancerversary for that.

The other term I'm really uncomfortable with is survivor. Just like Cancerversary it's just not something we use in my language related to cancer. Yup no concept of “cancer sur­vivor” in Dutch. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I would never call myself like that. 

Survivor is someone or something that still exists after an event that could have killed or destroyed them.

Last night I was watching Homeland (great show) and Brody said, "Don't call me a hero, I was captured and shoved in a hole and all I did was not die." And I could relate to that. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit here. Maybe it's unfair to all the pain I felt and am still feeling. But what word do we have for the people who fought just as hard and didn't make it? And why only cancer? We don’t say the same thing when someone has con­gestive heart failure.

So today I cried. Bawled my eyes out, exactly like one year ago. Only this time it's because I'm so sick and tired of everything cancer. 

"Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. "

Everything is cancer

A few days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer I was taking a walk with my sister. People were staring at me. It felt as if the word 'cancer' was written on my forehead.

When the cashier at the grocery store wishes me a happy weekend I just cringe and want to get the hell out of there.

When a guy uses his car horn to impress me I just wanted to scream at him he won't be using that after I have turned into miss Baldy.

Everything is different now. Everything has a different meaning all of a sudden. But it's me who's changing and not the rest of the world. I am the one who's much more aware of everything happening around me. I notice things that I would not have noticed before.

Watching a romantic movie? The girl dies of leukemia. Looking out of the window? A woman wearing a scarf wrapped around her head passes by. Reading a magazine. Why is the one with Sylvie van der Vaart lying on top?

It was al there before this happend. It just never hit so close to home.