Hello there, remember me?! I wanted to write another update to tell you about my progress. Because I hate blogs that aren't updated anymore and you never know what happened to that person. I just hope one day, somebody reads this and feels a little less lonely. That my words or photos will mean something to just one person. That be enough.
When I started working again last year, at the same time one of my former bosses found out he was sick. A melanoma spread to his brain and lymph nodes. I was his secretary for about 4 years. So I sent him a card and in January I wrote him a long email. He wrote me one back and was so happy to hear from me. We chatted about our treatment, hopes, distraction, loving family/friends and photography. He knew he wasn't going to get better, but there were still lights of hope. He had surgery and was going to start immunotherapy... but it wasn't meant to be. He got partly paralysed because of a cerebral hemorrhage and died at home with his wife and twins.
I really felt the need to be at his cremation. To be surrounded by people who knew him. I have been thinking about him a lot. Mostly happy memories of a secretary. The cremation was intense, sad and personal. Music was our 'thing' and we always talked a lot about concerts.. he even gave me a CD for my birthday once. So when I heard James Bay, Venice, Dotan & Coldplay... it was just perfect.
Afterwards I went up to his wife who also spoke during the cremation. What a beautiful soul! What a gorgeous strong person. It's strange how people you barely know can touch your soul like that! Wow. I told her my name and she said her husband showed her my photo series of the Chemo Chronicles. She gave me a tight tight hug.. and she said, "But look at you now, you're still here.. you're still standing strong"... and at that moment I realized what the term 'survivors guilt' really means. But don't get me wrong I'm really really glad I went. It was a powerful goodbye.
I have slowly started to cut back on the antidepressants. Well at least one of them, the ones that are making me fat and hungry. I'm still taking the Citalopram, but I kept gaining weight on the Mirtazapine. I'm a vegetarian but I felt like I could eat an entire horse every night. It really got out of hand and it made me sad, which is exactly the opposite of what its suppose to do right?! I took a 1/2 pill for 3 weeks, and now I'm on 1/4 for the second week. I have had some withdrawal symptoms but I'm determined to quit this happy-but-fatty-pill.
I have been seeing my physiotherapist twice a week. We are working on my muscles, strength, condition, balance, flexibility etc. It is hard work! He makes me sweat like a pig.
I am currently working 5 hours on three days.. and I also work a couple of hours at home. It still is a struggle.. mostly the fatigue and joint pain. But I enjoy being among colleagues. People seem generally happy to see me, I still get hugs and kisses when they see me. I started working as a project assistant for a pretty big project and that is something I have always enjoyed. I'm still not sure what is going to happen to me, because I'm reintegrating and I don't have a permanent job, I'm surplus. But I try to not to worry about that, and have faith what will meant to be will be. Also I might have to work as secretary again.. and that feels like taking a step back. Being back at work you see people with new jobs, who have developed and educated themselves. I talked about this with my psych and what matters now is I will feel better about going back to work. Finding back my confidence, a daily rhythm. I am still young and I have plenty of time to find out what it is I really want.
My company doctor. Oh my, don't get me started on this guy. He actually told me.. and I quote, "Compared to other people in your situation, I think you can't do anything." Are you fucking kidding me?! I was so pissed. I told him about how hard it was for me to look at the things I have achieved and that I am working every fucking single day to look at the positive things in my life instead of the things I have lost. I was really emotional but determined! In Dutch we say, die heb ik een poepie laten ruiken.. I kicked his ass!
So from that point on my appointments are a little more pleasant. He actually gave me a compliment last time we spoke. Ha! So always, ALWAYS stand up for yourself... but also realize you never EVER have to apologize for the way you chose to survive. Don't abandon the person you used to be.. but carry her! Be brave, be strong!
Showing posts with label anti-depressants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anti-depressants. Show all posts
March 11, 2016
September 1, 2015
The real world
I think it is time for me to write a little update and tell you I took another big step. Big as in huge. I went back to work. Can you believe it?! A year ago the thought of work alone would have me breaking down and now I'm doing it.
I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?
So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!
Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.
I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.
My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.
P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY!
I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?
So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!
Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.
I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.
My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.
P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY!
March 31, 2015
Leap...
"Leap and the net will appear." -John BurroughsI did it!
I really did it.
One of my biggest goals for this year was to move back home into my own apartment together with my bunnies. After living with my parents for two years, the support they gave me... I have no words for that. I will be forever and ever grateful for that. They were next to me with every step I had to take.
Despite me moving out and oh my god it was very emotional... for everybody. It was the right move. The right time. Spontaneous and crazy. But I have changed and I know now, the net is there when I need it. I love my family. This whole disease has changed our ties. The connection I feel, the love, the warmth. It heals me. We cry, we laugh, we hold hands.
I've lost a lot because of cancer and I know I still have a long way to go. But I finally feel like I'm rebuilding my wings. I also know that every single emotion I felt or went through.. it had to be felt. Exactly like that. Because I have to work through it... in order to move on. The people that are no longer in my life... well that is fine. I don't need them. I'd rather surround myself with people who actually support me and inspire me.
This thing will always, always be a part of me. But finally... there is light. Love and light. And wounds are healing. Body, mind & soul. I have planted a seed and it's going to grow and bloom. There will still be bad days. Depressing stormy rainy days... but they will pass.
I think I'm finally benefiting from the anti-depressants and the Mindfulness training I went to... it all lead to taking this step forward. So we keep moving forward... because that's the way it works. Climbing the mountain... while running into some bumps every now and then.
So here's to spring & new beginnings.
March 7, 2015
I have a thing for lists
+ I had 5 sessions of the Mindfulness training so far and it has been good! I'm so glad I took the big jump and went for it. I love the meditations techniques, the way how it's actually a lifestyle. It changes your perspective, even though it's hard and it goes very slowly. But this is something that is close to my heart. Definitely. I can recommend it. Whether you've dealt with cancer or not, depression or anxiety or stress at work.. or simply feel the need to take a deep breath. Check it out!
+ I spent a couple of afternoons at my own place. Watching TV, drinking tea, a walking meditation through the neighbourhood, rearranging my livingroom. AND I even brought the bunnies with me twice! It was so cute and emotional and it brought back so many memories. I love these sweet fur babies. Hopping through the house, finding back their old favourite spots. Next step: spending a night in my own bed. My psychiatrist told me that I still have some mourning to do, but there's only one place where I can do this and that is my home. I guess that makes sense and all. So it is not going to be easy, but eventually things will get better and I hope to feel more confident about myself.
+ I am trying to get of the couch and set new goals. So I went to the Kröller-Müller Museum with my dad and saw work of Picasso, Monet and Van Gogh! I was nervous and tired... but I did it. I also went to this children's farm/petting zoo with my parents. Hey never too old for these things. I refuse to grow up especially when I hug a goat. It was wonderful! I love animals! We also went to this beautiful protected nature area for a windy walk and it was good. Fresh air!
+ Another thing that was really important to me was visiting my friend who had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was really looking forward to seeing her and her first daughter as well. So cute! So it was good talking to her and I had a lovely afternoon with lots of smiles.
+ I also had one of my favourite little visitors coming over, my colleague's son. Who is just adorable and we played on the ground and had fun.
+ I also celebrated Lola's 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Furbabies, they grow up so faaast!
- The bad stuff. I'm still struggling with my anti-depressants. I am now using a mix of Citalopram and Mirtazapine and the side effects for the last four weeks have been awful. I did lots and lots of crying. I have been feeling like crap. Emotional, vulnerable, scared. I'm meeting with my psychiatrist next week so I'm hoping it either goes better by then and otherwise we have to talk about our next step. Perhaps I need to take a break from meds because I'm so tired. But this scares me as well, because I really could use some 'help' with the big steps in recovery I still have to take. We'll see, we'll see.
+ I'd like to finish with something positive. At Mindfulness training we had to keep a list of positive things that happened during the day for a week. Because we often remember the bad stuff and neglect the good happy tiny pleasures in our life. I actually felt really good about this and decided to go on with it. I found a wonderful app called Gratitude356. Practising gratitude has been scientifically proven! You can check it out here if you're interested. Give it a try!
+ I spent a couple of afternoons at my own place. Watching TV, drinking tea, a walking meditation through the neighbourhood, rearranging my livingroom. AND I even brought the bunnies with me twice! It was so cute and emotional and it brought back so many memories. I love these sweet fur babies. Hopping through the house, finding back their old favourite spots. Next step: spending a night in my own bed. My psychiatrist told me that I still have some mourning to do, but there's only one place where I can do this and that is my home. I guess that makes sense and all. So it is not going to be easy, but eventually things will get better and I hope to feel more confident about myself.
+ I am trying to get of the couch and set new goals. So I went to the Kröller-Müller Museum with my dad and saw work of Picasso, Monet and Van Gogh! I was nervous and tired... but I did it. I also went to this children's farm/petting zoo with my parents. Hey never too old for these things. I refuse to grow up especially when I hug a goat. It was wonderful! I love animals! We also went to this beautiful protected nature area for a windy walk and it was good. Fresh air!
+ Another thing that was really important to me was visiting my friend who had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was really looking forward to seeing her and her first daughter as well. So cute! So it was good talking to her and I had a lovely afternoon with lots of smiles.
+ I also had one of my favourite little visitors coming over, my colleague's son. Who is just adorable and we played on the ground and had fun.
+ I also celebrated Lola's 5th birthday. Can you believe it? Furbabies, they grow up so faaast!
- The bad stuff. I'm still struggling with my anti-depressants. I am now using a mix of Citalopram and Mirtazapine and the side effects for the last four weeks have been awful. I did lots and lots of crying. I have been feeling like crap. Emotional, vulnerable, scared. I'm meeting with my psychiatrist next week so I'm hoping it either goes better by then and otherwise we have to talk about our next step. Perhaps I need to take a break from meds because I'm so tired. But this scares me as well, because I really could use some 'help' with the big steps in recovery I still have to take. We'll see, we'll see.
+ I'd like to finish with something positive. At Mindfulness training we had to keep a list of positive things that happened during the day for a week. Because we often remember the bad stuff and neglect the good happy tiny pleasures in our life. I actually felt really good about this and decided to go on with it. I found a wonderful app called Gratitude356. Practising gratitude has been scientifically proven! You can check it out here if you're interested. Give it a try!
January 19, 2015
Like a rolling stone
A new year. New feels. New breathe. New chances. Same dreams, fresh starts. Out of my head and into the moment.
But then this happened and I think I sort of had a breakdown two weeks ago. Lets just say it involved a bathroom floor and lots of crying.
I finally realized I needed to cry out of for help again. Because I was taking 45 mg anti-depressants... but really what's the point when you're on the floor of a bathroom? So I called my psychiatrist and long story short; we're quitting the anti-depressants (this week 30 mg, next week 15 mg) and then we will meet again to talk about my other options. Let's face is, with the Tamoxifen/Zoladex there aren't that many options left. But I'm sure there's something I can try. Which means I can start all over again. New meds, new side effects, worrying if this is IT.
Despair. Frustrating.
So then I had a couple of pretty good days. I went to the hairdresser, got my first serious hair trim (well at least it felt like that) and I also let it dye. Which means new profile pic! So it looks pretty good, curly... and like the old Ciel. Except.. I am not.
But hey then I spent some time in my house. Have been restyling a bit, cleaning, etc. and it felt really good! So good I could dance (and perhaps I even did a little dance because no one was watching me).
It still drives me nuts that I can go from feeling pretty good at one point... and hit rock bottom like two minutes later. I know this is called recovery and I know partly it's the Tamoxifen/Zoladex. But still... it's pretty fucked up. It makes me feel like crap. But I know I have to work through all these feelings and emotions and when I'm ready I will release the ones that no longer serve me. Love, light, patience and kindness are the answer.
Perhaps a little mindfulness will help? I'm looking into this... if I go through with it more on that some other time.
So depression, what it feels like? Like I am drowning and everybody else around me is still breathing. Sometimes it feels like I carry this big rock around my neck, and it's so heavy. I get upset over EVERYTHING. Which is hard to understand for other people. My heart, my soul, they are in pain. Some serious pain. So I have been looking into a more spiritual way of healing.
Creating a sacred space. Be gentle with myself (really tough). Crystals and cleansing. Meditation. Becoming closer to nature. Chakra balancing. A photo a day challenge on Instagram. Today I had lunch by myself and treated myself to a big bowl of veggies and fresh mint tea. Well whatever keeps me going... It is a fascinating magical world after all.
P.S. Shut the fuck up about Blue Monday.
But then this happened and I think I sort of had a breakdown two weeks ago. Lets just say it involved a bathroom floor and lots of crying.
I finally realized I needed to cry out of for help again. Because I was taking 45 mg anti-depressants... but really what's the point when you're on the floor of a bathroom? So I called my psychiatrist and long story short; we're quitting the anti-depressants (this week 30 mg, next week 15 mg) and then we will meet again to talk about my other options. Let's face is, with the Tamoxifen/Zoladex there aren't that many options left. But I'm sure there's something I can try. Which means I can start all over again. New meds, new side effects, worrying if this is IT.
Despair. Frustrating.
So then I had a couple of pretty good days. I went to the hairdresser, got my first serious hair trim (well at least it felt like that) and I also let it dye. Which means new profile pic! So it looks pretty good, curly... and like the old Ciel. Except.. I am not.
But hey then I spent some time in my house. Have been restyling a bit, cleaning, etc. and it felt really good! So good I could dance (and perhaps I even did a little dance because no one was watching me).
It still drives me nuts that I can go from feeling pretty good at one point... and hit rock bottom like two minutes later. I know this is called recovery and I know partly it's the Tamoxifen/Zoladex. But still... it's pretty fucked up. It makes me feel like crap. But I know I have to work through all these feelings and emotions and when I'm ready I will release the ones that no longer serve me. Love, light, patience and kindness are the answer.
Perhaps a little mindfulness will help? I'm looking into this... if I go through with it more on that some other time.
So depression, what it feels like? Like I am drowning and everybody else around me is still breathing. Sometimes it feels like I carry this big rock around my neck, and it's so heavy. I get upset over EVERYTHING. Which is hard to understand for other people. My heart, my soul, they are in pain. Some serious pain. So I have been looking into a more spiritual way of healing.
Creating a sacred space. Be gentle with myself (really tough). Crystals and cleansing. Meditation. Becoming closer to nature. Chakra balancing. A photo a day challenge on Instagram. Today I had lunch by myself and treated myself to a big bowl of veggies and fresh mint tea. Well whatever keeps me going... It is a fascinating magical world after all.
P.S. Shut the fuck up about Blue Monday.
December 9, 2014
Remember December
December is a tough month for me. But I think it is for many people. Because it's not only a month of celebrations (Christmas and my birthday) but also one where we get a bit melancholic and look back on the miles we walked. It's getting dark earlier, we light our Christmas tree and we think of the people that are no longer with us. While magazines and TV show us how Christmas should be celebrated with lots of glitter and happiness... I truly believe many people feel sad and lonely during December.
The road to recovery is long, bumpy and very dark at times. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about the outside — it's also about healing your soul. Sometimes we forget where we came from, the things we had to face and the battles we fought so hard for. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not where we want to be, but neither are we where we used to be.
So for 2015 I made a memory jar. I am going to collect happy moments, accomplishments, milestones, silly fun times, daily blessings and surprises and I will put them in this jar and read them all on December 31st 2015. I will get to relive these special moments and be proud of the steps I took
I hope I can inspire you to do the same thing and enjoy the little things in life... for one day we'll look back and realize they were the big ones.
I met with my new oncologist the 1st of December and everything was fine. I have to say, I miss the conversations I had with my old onc.. it was way more personal. But this new onc was nice, friendly and seemed to know what he was talking about. I was able to ask him all of my questions which I always write down. If all goes well, I will see him again in December 2015! So that's good. Less trips to the hospital. Another mammogram is scheduled June 2015.
I also met with my psychiatrist again. We're still experimenting with my anti-depressants. I am now on 45 mg. Fingers crossed I am going to feel better because I don't want to try another pill with possible new side effects. I know I need to give it some time and like I said, December is a tough month.
So no more hospital visits this month. I am going to try to focus on all the family stuff. Enjoy spending time together. Being able to buy them presents. This is my first Christmas without treatment. My birthday is coming up, turning 33. I'm going to try to enjoy these small moments... even though it's hard and I have dark memories in the back of my mind.
But next year will be lighter and brighter!
The road to recovery is long, bumpy and very dark at times. Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about the outside — it's also about healing your soul. Sometimes we forget where we came from, the things we had to face and the battles we fought so hard for. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not where we want to be, but neither are we where we used to be.
So for 2015 I made a memory jar. I am going to collect happy moments, accomplishments, milestones, silly fun times, daily blessings and surprises and I will put them in this jar and read them all on December 31st 2015. I will get to relive these special moments and be proud of the steps I took
I hope I can inspire you to do the same thing and enjoy the little things in life... for one day we'll look back and realize they were the big ones.
I met with my new oncologist the 1st of December and everything was fine. I have to say, I miss the conversations I had with my old onc.. it was way more personal. But this new onc was nice, friendly and seemed to know what he was talking about. I was able to ask him all of my questions which I always write down. If all goes well, I will see him again in December 2015! So that's good. Less trips to the hospital. Another mammogram is scheduled June 2015.
I also met with my psychiatrist again. We're still experimenting with my anti-depressants. I am now on 45 mg. Fingers crossed I am going to feel better because I don't want to try another pill with possible new side effects. I know I need to give it some time and like I said, December is a tough month.
So no more hospital visits this month. I am going to try to focus on all the family stuff. Enjoy spending time together. Being able to buy them presents. This is my first Christmas without treatment. My birthday is coming up, turning 33. I'm going to try to enjoy these small moments... even though it's hard and I have dark memories in the back of my mind.
But next year will be lighter and brighter!
November 15, 2014
Home is where the heart is
Despite me freaking out about my conversation with my company doctor... I took some big steps. I can feel the change.. and it makes me very nervous... but it is with mixed feelings because I'm also proud of myself.
+ We started cleaning my apartment.
+ I bought some new things for my home.
+ I spent there an afternoon by myself which was very emotional and therapeutic.
+ Even though I do not live there yet, I had my boss over at my place for tea.
+ Saw my company doctor and explained why I freaked out over our last appointment and he totally understood. He also said I should continue to work on these steps I'm taking. But that I'm not fit for work yet. So for now I'm trying to focus on moving back home, trying to enjoy life more... be more stable.
+ Sold all of my Christmas postcards in my Etsy shop.
+ I had lunch with an old colleague.
+ Spent some time with my sister; shopping, tea time, lunch etc.
+ My colleague and his 2 year old son visited me.
+ I really enjoy swap-bot! You can't buy happiness but you can swap?!
- I still feel very emotional and cry about really silly things.
- I am overwhelmed by almost everything.
- I panic when I have to make appointments or have to add structure and rhythm to my life.
- I'm having doubts whether the 30 mg antidepressants are enough. I have to discuss this with my psych in December.
- I sometimes cross my boundaries and I end up feeling really exhausted.
+ Despite living at my parents' place for two years my home still feels like home.
+ We started cleaning my apartment.
+ I bought some new things for my home.
+ I spent there an afternoon by myself which was very emotional and therapeutic.
+ Even though I do not live there yet, I had my boss over at my place for tea.
+ Saw my company doctor and explained why I freaked out over our last appointment and he totally understood. He also said I should continue to work on these steps I'm taking. But that I'm not fit for work yet. So for now I'm trying to focus on moving back home, trying to enjoy life more... be more stable.
+ Sold all of my Christmas postcards in my Etsy shop.
+ I had lunch with an old colleague.
+ Spent some time with my sister; shopping, tea time, lunch etc.
+ My colleague and his 2 year old son visited me.
+ I really enjoy swap-bot! You can't buy happiness but you can swap?!
- I still feel very emotional and cry about really silly things.
- I am overwhelmed by almost everything.
- I panic when I have to make appointments or have to add structure and rhythm to my life.
- I'm having doubts whether the 30 mg antidepressants are enough. I have to discuss this with my psych in December.
- I sometimes cross my boundaries and I end up feeling really exhausted.
+ Despite living at my parents' place for two years my home still feels like home.
October 21, 2014
Stormy head
So I come here to write about the bad days and today is one of them. Which means prior I had a couple of pretty great days; I visited my colleague's farewell party (which was a HUGE step) for me, I had another colleague and his son visiting me yesterday, I also spent some time with my sister interior shopping and eating ice cream which is always good. But today... is crap.
Last week I talked to my psychiatrist and he is a very nice man. He gets it. Which is nice. Although he has a Lego lunch box. He explained a little more about how the anti-depressants work and such. I have another appointment in six weeks. Until then we see how it goes... But I'm not climbing this mountain without any bumps in the road... that's what he told me. It's completely normal that I still face bad days. To be honest I think I'd freak out if I didn't had any after everything I've been through. He also said, I react the way I do to certain situations, because of what happened to me. I don't have enough 'leverage' to respond in a way I would normally do.
My company doctor told me to spend more time socializing, replace cancer by fun stuff. If only it were that easy. But he also gave me another compliment that I'm doing great even though it might not always feel like this. He said, "Six months ago I couldn't even have a proper conversation with you and here we are talking and laughing." He wrote down he wants me to work on my physical condition and that I should spend some time at my own place. By giving me these 'orders' I totally freaked out of course... because I feel I have to do this my way, in my own time.
But hey last week we started cleaning my apartment. After two years I have to say... it IS necessary. My parents are helping me with this, and when we're done, perhaps I can spend some time at my cute little place by myself. We see how it goes. When I'm ready. I should do this my way. My way. Or the fucking high way.
I bought myself the new iPhone 6 plus, very happy with it! Also got my matching sport band so I can start walking again. If it ever stops raining that is!
So for the last couple of days I sort of had these moments were I feel dizzy for just a second. Not when I get up, but more when I sit or stand still. It's weird. The hypochondriac awakes... definitely do not trust my body. I mean I was confronted with my own mortality at age 30, this is just... well obviously you think the worst. But then again you don't want to jump to these conclusions after all the treatment you have been through and well, you don't want any more doctors or fucking scans... so what to do? I know it's probably the medication causing this and I will bring it up next time I speak to one of my doctors. If shit hits the van and it becomes worse I will see my home doctor. But for now I just have to believe I'm okay. Okay.
Once again the weather fits my mood. It has been raining and feels a bit stormy all day long. Lets aim for a better day tomorrow!
Last week I talked to my psychiatrist and he is a very nice man. He gets it. Which is nice. Although he has a Lego lunch box. He explained a little more about how the anti-depressants work and such. I have another appointment in six weeks. Until then we see how it goes... But I'm not climbing this mountain without any bumps in the road... that's what he told me. It's completely normal that I still face bad days. To be honest I think I'd freak out if I didn't had any after everything I've been through. He also said, I react the way I do to certain situations, because of what happened to me. I don't have enough 'leverage' to respond in a way I would normally do.
My company doctor told me to spend more time socializing, replace cancer by fun stuff. If only it were that easy. But he also gave me another compliment that I'm doing great even though it might not always feel like this. He said, "Six months ago I couldn't even have a proper conversation with you and here we are talking and laughing." He wrote down he wants me to work on my physical condition and that I should spend some time at my own place. By giving me these 'orders' I totally freaked out of course... because I feel I have to do this my way, in my own time.
But hey last week we started cleaning my apartment. After two years I have to say... it IS necessary. My parents are helping me with this, and when we're done, perhaps I can spend some time at my cute little place by myself. We see how it goes. When I'm ready. I should do this my way. My way. Or the fucking high way.
I bought myself the new iPhone 6 plus, very happy with it! Also got my matching sport band so I can start walking again. If it ever stops raining that is!
So for the last couple of days I sort of had these moments were I feel dizzy for just a second. Not when I get up, but more when I sit or stand still. It's weird. The hypochondriac awakes... definitely do not trust my body. I mean I was confronted with my own mortality at age 30, this is just... well obviously you think the worst. But then again you don't want to jump to these conclusions after all the treatment you have been through and well, you don't want any more doctors or fucking scans... so what to do? I know it's probably the medication causing this and I will bring it up next time I speak to one of my doctors. If shit hits the van and it becomes worse I will see my home doctor. But for now I just have to believe I'm okay. Okay.
Once again the weather fits my mood. It has been raining and feels a bit stormy all day long. Lets aim for a better day tomorrow!
October 4, 2014
Changing colour
So it's been a while, Hello October. In case you were wondering, I'm ignoring Breast Cancer Awareness month. Call it denial. Whatever. I am so done with that shit.
As for the running part... that didn't go as planned. Wow nothing does go as planned did you notice?! Better all let it go and see what happens... So I ended up with some serious knee ache and decided it was better to quit for now. I cried a lot because of the quitting part yes. Because I finally had found something that made me feel normal, and not like a patient. Something that felt so good... and wow my body could handle it. Guess not. So I am not giving up on this... but for now it's back to walking. Today I walked my first 5K. It was pretty good... the music, nature, just me, myself & I... at fast pace.
I'm still experimenting with the anti-depressants. I am now on 30 mg. Because after a few weeks things were back to normal (in other words: lots of crying). But I can't really say the 30 mg is making me feel a hell of a lot better. Don't get me wrong I have good days, but it's still a struggle sometimes. I know with anti-depressants you have to give it a few weeks.. so that's what I'm going to do... and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist in a week or so.
What else, what else? I saw my radiologist which brought back lots of bad memories. Radiation treatment. The dressing room, autumn, walking through that hallway with my upper body undressed. So I try to do what my psychologist says, I let myself think about it... for a while... let it flow. Then I tell myself, you are here now, no treatment whatsoever. You're okay. And then I try to move on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I suppose it takes practise, but I kinda think that is the way to approach these triggers.
Next week I will have my Zoladex injection. But it's the last one this year.
I have been keeping myself pretty busy with penpalling, snail mail, mail art, mail swaps, etc, etc. I enjoy it a lot! I also have been working on Christmas postcards for my Etsy store, they are already available if you want to check them out!
I also had my second hair cut! It really is growing and my curls are sooo coming back! I also have a pair of new specs which I really love. I have started to buy some new autumn/winter clothes as well. Which feels good. Ah and I also gained some weight. Hallelujah!
As for the running part... that didn't go as planned. Wow nothing does go as planned did you notice?! Better all let it go and see what happens... So I ended up with some serious knee ache and decided it was better to quit for now. I cried a lot because of the quitting part yes. Because I finally had found something that made me feel normal, and not like a patient. Something that felt so good... and wow my body could handle it. Guess not. So I am not giving up on this... but for now it's back to walking. Today I walked my first 5K. It was pretty good... the music, nature, just me, myself & I... at fast pace.
I'm still experimenting with the anti-depressants. I am now on 30 mg. Because after a few weeks things were back to normal (in other words: lots of crying). But I can't really say the 30 mg is making me feel a hell of a lot better. Don't get me wrong I have good days, but it's still a struggle sometimes. I know with anti-depressants you have to give it a few weeks.. so that's what I'm going to do... and I'm meeting with my psychiatrist in a week or so.
What else, what else? I saw my radiologist which brought back lots of bad memories. Radiation treatment. The dressing room, autumn, walking through that hallway with my upper body undressed. So I try to do what my psychologist says, I let myself think about it... for a while... let it flow. Then I tell myself, you are here now, no treatment whatsoever. You're okay. And then I try to move on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I suppose it takes practise, but I kinda think that is the way to approach these triggers.
Next week I will have my Zoladex injection. But it's the last one this year.
I have been keeping myself pretty busy with penpalling, snail mail, mail art, mail swaps, etc, etc. I enjoy it a lot! I also have been working on Christmas postcards for my Etsy store, they are already available if you want to check them out!
I also had my second hair cut! It really is growing and my curls are sooo coming back! I also have a pair of new specs which I really love. I have started to buy some new autumn/winter clothes as well. Which feels good. Ah and I also gained some weight. Hallelujah!
September 4, 2014
Blue sapphire
He said, " You really are different from last time I saw you. The problems seem to have less control over you, it is more like... you have taken back control."
That's what my company doctor said. He was quite happy with my progress (remember: progress = progress no matter how small). But I took some steps, made some decisions. Here I am, voilà it's September.
So let me start with that horrible physiotherapy training. I quit. I did it, I finally decided it wasn't for me. Thanks to Ashley who reminded me there are 100 ways to climb a mountain.
The only thing it did give me was enough confidence to put on my running shoes and just go for it. Before I got sick I used this app called Get Running and I really liked it so I am using it again. You can find more information about it here. Basically it's a Couch-to-5K running plan, but I will start running twice a week instead of three. I will take it slow. Let my body get used to it. But fuck hey, I'm doing it. My first run... was very emotional. Because I was thinking of the horror my body went through... and now I was here all of a sudden... fresh air, beautiful nature, wind in my HAIR! I really cried my eyes out when I got home. It was good. A milestone I would think.
I always do some yoga stretches after my run. If you're interested, I follow exactly this routine. I try to do some other exercises for my upper body through the week, low key, whenever I feel like it. No pressure. First priority is: running. Because it is something I like and I think I really could benefit from this mentally as well.
But I made another decision after talking to my psychologist and psychiatrist... I was going to give the anti-depressants another go. So I made this long list for my psychiatrist and he was pretty cool and understanding about everything. I am still seeing my psychologist every three weeks and it's nice talking to a woman. But this dude, well he gets me. Which is good I think when somebody prescribes you medication. I have been taking it for almost a week now... I think I feel a little more calm, a little less emotional... more steady? Of course it is way too early to tell how this will work in the long run. But at least I'm not freaking out or feeling like a zombie (it happens, been there.. done that). So I think we're on the right track with this as well. Which made me cry as well. Weird eh? I have been feeling so much pain and heartache... now I finally get a little bit of fresh air... As if I'm taking a deep breath... and I cried because I didn't have to cry.
So all and all that sounds pretty good and uplifting doesn't it? I don't expect miracles all of a sudden.. but at least there's improvement. I expect more bad days, but I know the sun will shine as well!
That's what my company doctor said. He was quite happy with my progress (remember: progress = progress no matter how small). But I took some steps, made some decisions. Here I am, voilà it's September.
So let me start with that horrible physiotherapy training. I quit. I did it, I finally decided it wasn't for me. Thanks to Ashley who reminded me there are 100 ways to climb a mountain.
The only thing it did give me was enough confidence to put on my running shoes and just go for it. Before I got sick I used this app called Get Running and I really liked it so I am using it again. You can find more information about it here. Basically it's a Couch-to-5K running plan, but I will start running twice a week instead of three. I will take it slow. Let my body get used to it. But fuck hey, I'm doing it. My first run... was very emotional. Because I was thinking of the horror my body went through... and now I was here all of a sudden... fresh air, beautiful nature, wind in my HAIR! I really cried my eyes out when I got home. It was good. A milestone I would think.
I always do some yoga stretches after my run. If you're interested, I follow exactly this routine. I try to do some other exercises for my upper body through the week, low key, whenever I feel like it. No pressure. First priority is: running. Because it is something I like and I think I really could benefit from this mentally as well.
But I made another decision after talking to my psychologist and psychiatrist... I was going to give the anti-depressants another go. So I made this long list for my psychiatrist and he was pretty cool and understanding about everything. I am still seeing my psychologist every three weeks and it's nice talking to a woman. But this dude, well he gets me. Which is good I think when somebody prescribes you medication. I have been taking it for almost a week now... I think I feel a little more calm, a little less emotional... more steady? Of course it is way too early to tell how this will work in the long run. But at least I'm not freaking out or feeling like a zombie (it happens, been there.. done that). So I think we're on the right track with this as well. Which made me cry as well. Weird eh? I have been feeling so much pain and heartache... now I finally get a little bit of fresh air... As if I'm taking a deep breath... and I cried because I didn't have to cry.
So all and all that sounds pretty good and uplifting doesn't it? I don't expect miracles all of a sudden.. but at least there's improvement. I expect more bad days, but I know the sun will shine as well!
June 24, 2014
Acceptance
Hello I am Ciel and I'm depressed.
So remember that my last conversation with my psych didn't really go so well and she only made me feel worse? Well we talked about that... and at first she pulled out, what I feel like were some psych tricks... but then we set things right. She explained what she meant. I told her how I interpreted her words. I think we're fine now. Except that she wants me on meds again. Again I told her no. I want to give myself a few more months to see if I can do this on my own and if not then perhaps I will talk to the psychiatrist again about medication. But seriously, I'd rather not.
Yesterday I saw my company doctor. I spent 30 minutes in his office and we had an interesting conversation. UVW came through and they are now my safety net, so I do not have to worry about money. Which is good. But my company doctor made it very clear to me that I am depressed. He actually said, "You are sick in the head". Which is completely normal, he added, after everything you have been through. But still, he thinks I need to accept my depression like I have accepted my cancer and my treatment. He has a point there.
Because I have been telling everybody I'm mentally not doing so great. That I'm emotional, vulnerable, unstable, sad, angry... but no not depressed. I don't know why this bothers me so much. It's not like I should be ashamed of this and I think I have proven I am a strong person by now. So why oh why do I not want to label myself as depressed.
The answer is I don't know. Perhaps my psych can show some light on that next time. The thing is, I am starting to doubt (fucking cancer took away my confidence) whether or not I should be taking any meds. I've tried them twice before, unsuccessfully a.ka. big disaster. Something I never ever want to experience again. But with the right kind of meds... I also understand things might be a little bit easier for me. Am I torturing myself while this is totally unnecessary?
This whole sick in the head reminded me right away of a song. It's by (Keith) Mina Caputo. Who's music has been in my life for over ten years. She actually contacted me the other day on Instagram, posting one of my photos and I also got a message on facebook which means the world to me! What a kind soul, such pure music. That goes straight to my heart. Especially now that it feels a little broken.
So I don't know, I think I'll wait for my next appointment with the psych and discuss everything again and see how I feel then. Gotta let it go for now.
Now to focus my mind on something else I bought Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith and I can recommend it to anyone! I am having lots of fun with it and it really is inspiring and creative in a unique way. I am also considering buying One Line A Day by Chronicle books. Which is a five year memory book. Right now besides this blog I don't keep a paper journal or something like that. Just my art journal. So this seems like a nice therapeutic book to start writing again.
I also figured it was time to give my photography another chance, so I set up a Facebook page you can now like. Or you can even buy postcards in my Etsy store! Yay!
So remember that my last conversation with my psych didn't really go so well and she only made me feel worse? Well we talked about that... and at first she pulled out, what I feel like were some psych tricks... but then we set things right. She explained what she meant. I told her how I interpreted her words. I think we're fine now. Except that she wants me on meds again. Again I told her no. I want to give myself a few more months to see if I can do this on my own and if not then perhaps I will talk to the psychiatrist again about medication. But seriously, I'd rather not.
Yesterday I saw my company doctor. I spent 30 minutes in his office and we had an interesting conversation. UVW came through and they are now my safety net, so I do not have to worry about money. Which is good. But my company doctor made it very clear to me that I am depressed. He actually said, "You are sick in the head". Which is completely normal, he added, after everything you have been through. But still, he thinks I need to accept my depression like I have accepted my cancer and my treatment. He has a point there.
Because I have been telling everybody I'm mentally not doing so great. That I'm emotional, vulnerable, unstable, sad, angry... but no not depressed. I don't know why this bothers me so much. It's not like I should be ashamed of this and I think I have proven I am a strong person by now. So why oh why do I not want to label myself as depressed.
The answer is I don't know. Perhaps my psych can show some light on that next time. The thing is, I am starting to doubt (fucking cancer took away my confidence) whether or not I should be taking any meds. I've tried them twice before, unsuccessfully a.ka. big disaster. Something I never ever want to experience again. But with the right kind of meds... I also understand things might be a little bit easier for me. Am I torturing myself while this is totally unnecessary?
This whole sick in the head reminded me right away of a song. It's by (Keith) Mina Caputo. Who's music has been in my life for over ten years. She actually contacted me the other day on Instagram, posting one of my photos and I also got a message on facebook which means the world to me! What a kind soul, such pure music. That goes straight to my heart. Especially now that it feels a little broken.
Pure heart and soul, the treasures I own
Where did you go and how have you grown?
I'm sick in the head in a number of ways
I recommend a psychotherapist to clean up your brain
Where did you go and how have you grown?
I'm sick in the head in a number of ways
I recommend a psychotherapist to clean up your brain
So I don't know, I think I'll wait for my next appointment with the psych and discuss everything again and see how I feel then. Gotta let it go for now.
Now to focus my mind on something else I bought Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith and I can recommend it to anyone! I am having lots of fun with it and it really is inspiring and creative in a unique way. I am also considering buying One Line A Day by Chronicle books. Which is a five year memory book. Right now besides this blog I don't keep a paper journal or something like that. Just my art journal. So this seems like a nice therapeutic book to start writing again.
I also figured it was time to give my photography another chance, so I set up a Facebook page you can now like. Or you can even buy postcards in my Etsy store! Yay!
November 25, 2013
Got any power left?
Anti-depressants + me = bad idea.
So I will keep this short because it is what it is. But I do feel like I have to share my story and well, this too is part of it.
The side effects that usually occur the first two weeks started to kick in the second day. Even though I was only on 25mg. It was bad. I've never experienced anything like it before. Basically the next four days I spent on the couch crying hysterically. That anxious, nervous feeling I felt before, double it by 3x. I felt nauseau all the time. The Lorazepam I was taking as well did not calm me down. I was so upset and I felt like my head was about to explode.
The thing that scared me most was that Herceptin #14 was coming up. I knew I couldn't do it, not like this. I was a mess.
So after five days I called my doctor and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't live like this for another two weeks and hoping and keeping my fingers crossed the medication would work within 6 weeks. That's no life. Not for me at least, not after everything I've already been through. I need something, and I need it now. So he said it was okay to quit of course, but it would be couple of days before everything was out my system.
So Herceptin #14 was horrible. I was so god damn nervous. Which involves lots of crying and choking. But I made it through another one. Now there's three left. Three. I suppose I have to find a little strenght to finish these last. But seriously, this is not normal. I just wish I could snap my fingers and *poof* cancer gone. Cancer you need to be gone. Out of this fucking world. Nobody, young or old, should have to deal with you. Did I mention how fucking much I hate you?!
Updates: my crazy hair which I have no longer control over.
So I will keep this short because it is what it is. But I do feel like I have to share my story and well, this too is part of it.
The side effects that usually occur the first two weeks started to kick in the second day. Even though I was only on 25mg. It was bad. I've never experienced anything like it before. Basically the next four days I spent on the couch crying hysterically. That anxious, nervous feeling I felt before, double it by 3x. I felt nauseau all the time. The Lorazepam I was taking as well did not calm me down. I was so upset and I felt like my head was about to explode.
The thing that scared me most was that Herceptin #14 was coming up. I knew I couldn't do it, not like this. I was a mess.
So after five days I called my doctor and told him I couldn't do it. I couldn't live like this for another two weeks and hoping and keeping my fingers crossed the medication would work within 6 weeks. That's no life. Not for me at least, not after everything I've already been through. I need something, and I need it now. So he said it was okay to quit of course, but it would be couple of days before everything was out my system.
So Herceptin #14 was horrible. I was so god damn nervous. Which involves lots of crying and choking. But I made it through another one. Now there's three left. Three. I suppose I have to find a little strenght to finish these last. But seriously, this is not normal. I just wish I could snap my fingers and *poof* cancer gone. Cancer you need to be gone. Out of this fucking world. Nobody, young or old, should have to deal with you. Did I mention how fucking much I hate you?!
Updates: my crazy hair which I have no longer control over.
November 15, 2013
Just an ordinary week
MONDAY
I saw my psychologist. For some reason I feel our conversations are getting harder for me. Perhaps because she is getting to know me. Our discussions are intense and confronting. My head is a mess when I leave her office. I try to be completely open though, and tell her what is on my mind. Even though it hurts so much. "I don't know whether it's my soul or my heart", I told her, "but it physically hurts." It's oh so heavy. There's a circle of darkness and it needs to be broken.
TUESDAY
I found out my appointment with my psychiatrist wasn't scheduled for Friday like I thought it was. He called me later that day and told me it was his fault and we made a new appointment. Fortunately he still had some time left on Friday.
WEDNESDAY
Visiting my oncologist is always a big deal. I prepare myself very well with a list of questions. He told me that he's a bit worried about me starting the Tamoxifen with the state of mind I am currently in. Because it causes depression. So we agreed to wait until I finish my Herceptin in January and we will meet again in February to see how I am doing. I am actually feeling quite relieved about that. Even though he told me I am not an average patient and sometimes you have to mix up the protocols a bit to make it work. He also told me I should be so proud of myself I finished chemo. Herceptin, only four left. It should make a stronger person.
I am always so happy to undress for him ha! Does that sound weird?! I think if you're a bc cancer patient you'll understand. He checks my breasts and lymph nodes and everything looked fine. I am always incredibly relieved after that. He asked me whether I checked myself. I told him I did, but the one where I've had surgery on just feels weird and I never know what to think of it.
He also told my mother I was a bit of 'special' one. He obviously thinks I'm a bit different than his other patients I am not sure why. It must be because of the photography and the art I think. He's probably also amused by the fact I do so much research on the internet.
So then my mother came up with the idea to do another blood test and my onc agreed. Wonderful. So off we went. In the waiting room I told her that my onc asked me whether or not I checked my breasts. But it was a bit loud in there and she didn't understand what I was saying. Next to me was this huuuuge bald guy so I whispered again; "He asked me whether or not I checked my breasts". My mum still did not understand so I got annoyed and all of a sudden yelled, "HE ASKED IF I CHECK MY BOOBIES!" The big bald guy started laughing and his face turned all red. It was so aaawkward.
THURSDAY
So you guys know I started taking calcium because of the whole osteoporosis thing I mentioned a few posts ago.Well apparently calcium has side effects too because I was having diarhoea and cramps for a week now. I called with the nurse and she told me to stop taking them for a while and she will call me back in three weeks. We can either lower the dose or perhaps start taking them every other day. Are you fucking seriously?! Is there any medication out there WITHOUT side effects?! I am so god damn tired of this shit.
FRIDAY
To end the week I had another appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about anti-depressants. I did some research in advance, even talked to my own pharmacist. Eventually we both came up with the same name. It's an anti-depressant that, once I start taking Tamoxifen, won't mess with it. Complicated stuff. I will start with 25mg this week and will double my dose next week. I am so scared. Scared of yes, side effects. But it's worth the try. So please keep you fingers crossed for me this thing is going to work without too much trouble. Because I've had it with everything. Please let this be my happy pill. No seriously, just some peace, some breathing... breaking that damn circle.
I saw my psychologist. For some reason I feel our conversations are getting harder for me. Perhaps because she is getting to know me. Our discussions are intense and confronting. My head is a mess when I leave her office. I try to be completely open though, and tell her what is on my mind. Even though it hurts so much. "I don't know whether it's my soul or my heart", I told her, "but it physically hurts." It's oh so heavy. There's a circle of darkness and it needs to be broken.
TUESDAY
I found out my appointment with my psychiatrist wasn't scheduled for Friday like I thought it was. He called me later that day and told me it was his fault and we made a new appointment. Fortunately he still had some time left on Friday.
WEDNESDAY
Visiting my oncologist is always a big deal. I prepare myself very well with a list of questions. He told me that he's a bit worried about me starting the Tamoxifen with the state of mind I am currently in. Because it causes depression. So we agreed to wait until I finish my Herceptin in January and we will meet again in February to see how I am doing. I am actually feeling quite relieved about that. Even though he told me I am not an average patient and sometimes you have to mix up the protocols a bit to make it work. He also told me I should be so proud of myself I finished chemo. Herceptin, only four left. It should make a stronger person.
I am always so happy to undress for him ha! Does that sound weird?! I think if you're a bc cancer patient you'll understand. He checks my breasts and lymph nodes and everything looked fine. I am always incredibly relieved after that. He asked me whether I checked myself. I told him I did, but the one where I've had surgery on just feels weird and I never know what to think of it.
He also told my mother I was a bit of 'special' one. He obviously thinks I'm a bit different than his other patients I am not sure why. It must be because of the photography and the art I think. He's probably also amused by the fact I do so much research on the internet.
So then my mother came up with the idea to do another blood test and my onc agreed. Wonderful. So off we went. In the waiting room I told her that my onc asked me whether or not I checked my breasts. But it was a bit loud in there and she didn't understand what I was saying. Next to me was this huuuuge bald guy so I whispered again; "He asked me whether or not I checked my breasts". My mum still did not understand so I got annoyed and all of a sudden yelled, "HE ASKED IF I CHECK MY BOOBIES!" The big bald guy started laughing and his face turned all red. It was so aaawkward.
THURSDAY
So you guys know I started taking calcium because of the whole osteoporosis thing I mentioned a few posts ago.Well apparently calcium has side effects too because I was having diarhoea and cramps for a week now. I called with the nurse and she told me to stop taking them for a while and she will call me back in three weeks. We can either lower the dose or perhaps start taking them every other day. Are you fucking seriously?! Is there any medication out there WITHOUT side effects?! I am so god damn tired of this shit.
FRIDAY
To end the week I had another appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about anti-depressants. I did some research in advance, even talked to my own pharmacist. Eventually we both came up with the same name. It's an anti-depressant that, once I start taking Tamoxifen, won't mess with it. Complicated stuff. I will start with 25mg this week and will double my dose next week. I am so scared. Scared of yes, side effects. But it's worth the try. So please keep you fingers crossed for me this thing is going to work without too much trouble. Because I've had it with everything. Please let this be my happy pill. No seriously, just some peace, some breathing... breaking that damn circle.
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