First day of summer

I keep thinking I need to update.. but then I start reading my own blog. Page after page, words written by me. How those three years changed my entire life. How I handled things. A horror story. Yet written with humour and sarcasm. The medical facts, the struggles and the forgotten memories. Broken to the core. But hopeful and creative.

I'm just so thankful I started this blog almost four years ago now. It feels quite amazing reading, experiencing, looking back. It was such a long dark road.

I think it helps to heal. The road to recovery and remembering where you came from, it'll give new insights. Today. Matters. The here. The now.

I had my annual mammogram a few weeks ago. That feeling, that you'll never be able to shake this off, will start creeping and haunting you a couple of weeks before the date. Nervous Nellie here she comes. Sometimes I barely notice it but the tension in my entire body says enough. This time it was a little chaotic, new hospital wing, they were running late, long waiting hours.  But she called out my name and that is my cue. Strip down. And smash those boobies. They hurt me so much this time. The mammogram actually left me with several bruises on my breasts. It is such a fucking torture. They need to come up with something different here. We can go to Mars but not come up with a new boobie machine?! Anyway after waiting some more I got to go home and she told me everything looked fine! I just felt extremely tired that moment, I had a nagging headache. I was relieved but not happy. I think the tension builds up so much you need to get rid off it before you can feel happiness again. The next day I had another appointment with the mammacare nurse and she confirmed as well everything looked fine. The day after that I was able to finally feel happy again (and bought myself a new bag and ordered Chinese food yessss).

Work is going quite well for me. The short version is that I decided to jump (once more) and I started working as a secretary again. Same division, different building, different people. It was hard at first... but I think it helps me as well. I'm way more visible as a secretary, can not really hide behind anything anymore. I get to meet new people, I run into former colleagues.. people who know me and my story, people I don't know but know my story (well or so they think). It is a bit of a weird experience. All the responses you get. The super weird and sometimes very intimate questions. Sometimes it is hard and I'm freaked out about it.. but I'm also able to deal with it. I'm getting stronger. I enjoy spending time with colleagues, silly office humour, the teasing, the smiles... it is good for me.  It really helps picking up the pieces for a 'normal' everyday life. I enjoy working for my boss. To be able to assist him, to help other people by doing my job. It helps with the confidence to feel useful.

Today I talked to my psych.. about many things. We are now working towards closure. I will have a few more appointments and then in December we'll try to finish and have our last one. It feels good. It really does. I'm coming to terms with things. I have come so far, and I especially realize this when reading this blog. She complimented me on this as well, I have changed so much in the last few years. Slowly, slowly I'm getting there. Finding back old pieces and creating new stories. The glue is holding it all together.

I have a vacation coming up. Which feels a bit weird because when I had my last vacation, this thing all started and I did not come back for like three years. I hope I'll be able to enjoy it after a few days. Reintegrating is pretty exhausting and it should be good. Relax a little nervous Nellie.

I do have something special planned... which I'm definitely going to write about more. You see my eyebrows never grew back after chemo. Like 5 hairs... quite sad. I'm getting so sick of drawing them on my face every morning ugh. Sometimes I'm scared I'll smudge them or when walking in the rain they will fall off. Tough life. So... I found this amazing woman who does cosmetic and medical tattoos. And she is going to tattoo my eyebrows with this special 3D microblading technique. Apart from the radiation dots I have no other tattoos. So I'm really excited about this.. but also a bit nervous! I mean, come on it must hurt to have a tattoo in your face right?! But I'll be so happy afterwards, waking up in the morning with the perfect brows! Will keep you posted!

Life got in between

Hello there, remember me?! I wanted to write another update to tell you about my progress. Because I hate blogs that aren't updated anymore and you never know what happened to that person. I just hope one day, somebody reads this and feels a little less lonely. That my words or photos will mean something to just one person. That be enough.

When I started working again last year, at the same time one of my former bosses found out he was sick. A melanoma spread to his brain and lymph nodes. I was his secretary for about 4 years. So I sent him a card and in January I wrote him a long email. He wrote me one back and was so happy to hear from me. We chatted about our treatment, hopes, distraction, loving family/friends and photography. He knew he wasn't going to get better, but there were still lights of hope. He had surgery and was going to start immunotherapy... but it wasn't meant to be. He got partly paralysed because of a cerebral hemorrhage and died at home with his wife and twins. 

I really felt the need to be at his cremation. To be surrounded by people who knew him. I have been thinking about him a lot. Mostly happy memories of a secretary. The cremation was intense, sad and personal. Music was our 'thing' and we always talked a lot about concerts.. he even gave me a CD for my birthday once. So when I heard James Bay, Venice, Dotan & Coldplay... it was just perfect. 

Afterwards I went up to his wife who also spoke during the cremation. What a beautiful soul! What a gorgeous strong person. It's strange how people you barely know can touch your soul like that! Wow. I told her my name and she said her husband showed her my photo series of the Chemo Chronicles. She gave me a tight tight hug.. and she said, "But look at you now, you're still here.. you're still standing strong"... and at that moment I realized what the term 'survivors guilt' really means. But don't get me wrong I'm really really glad I went.  It was a powerful goodbye. 

I have slowly started to cut back on the antidepressants. Well at least one of them, the ones that are making me fat and hungry. I'm still taking the Citalopram, but I kept gaining weight on the Mirtazapine. I'm a vegetarian but I felt like I could eat an entire horse every night. It really got out of hand and it made me sad, which is exactly the opposite of what its suppose to do right?! I took a 1/2 pill for 3 weeks, and now I'm on 1/4 for the second week. I have had some withdrawal symptoms but I'm determined to quit this happy-but-fatty-pill. 

I have been seeing my physiotherapist twice a week. We are working on my muscles, strength, condition, balance, flexibility etc. It is hard work! He makes me sweat like a pig. 

I am currently working 5 hours on three days.. and I also work a couple of hours at home. It still is a struggle.. mostly the fatigue and joint pain. But I enjoy being among colleagues. People seem generally happy to see me, I still get hugs and kisses when they see me. I started working as a project assistant for a pretty big project and that is something I have always enjoyed. I'm still not sure what is going to happen to me, because I'm reintegrating and I don't have a permanent job, I'm surplus. But I try to not to worry about that, and have faith what will meant to be will be. Also I might have to work as secretary again.. and that feels like taking a step back. Being back at work you see people with new jobs, who have developed and educated themselves. I talked about this with my psych and what matters now is I will feel better about going back to work. Finding back my confidence, a daily rhythm. I am still young and I have plenty of time to find out what it is I really want. 

My company doctor. Oh my, don't get me started on this guy. He actually told me.. and I quote, "Compared to other people in your situation, I think you can't do anything." Are you fucking kidding me?! I was so pissed. I told him about how hard it was for me to look at the things I have achieved and that I am working every fucking single day to look at the positive things in my life instead of the things I have lost. I was really emotional but determined! In Dutch we say, die heb ik een poepie laten ruiken.. I kicked his ass! 

So from that point on my appointments are a little more pleasant. He actually gave me a compliment last time we spoke. Ha! So always, ALWAYS stand up for yourself... but also realize you never EVER have to apologize for the way you chose to survive. Don't abandon the person you used to be.. but carry her! Be brave, be strong!

This is her fight song

I have been back at work for about three months now. I'm currently working three mornings at the office and I'm planning on making some extra hours at home. It still is a struggle. There are times when I'm really happy to be back. To be a part of 'something'. Complain about the weather or the computers. We talk about pets, silly things.. office humor. But I'm struggling with the damage cancer left and the current side effects. The fatigue, the joint pain and the mood swings. I try not to let it rule my world. But I have to make it a part of my daily routine some how. Which is hard.

Yeah it IS hard. Sorry, but I'm not sorry for saying that out loud. My company doctor basically called me a 'pessimist' the other day. I don't really think he understands the power this disease can have over you. Our worlds are far appart.  And that's okay. But don't you sit there in your fucking chair and judge me. Because I've seen more dark places you can ever imagine. However we agreed to keep my working hours the same for the rest of the year. I need to find some sort of rhythm, balance, peace. JOY!

Today I saw my oncologist. He told me that because of recent research it is now proven I would have benefits (like +2%) from using the Tamoxifen for 10 years instead of 5. They're not quite sure about the Zoladex yet though. So it looks like me and 'menopause' are going to be together for... a long time. Tamoxifen is the first hormonal therapy medicine choice for postmenopausal women so of course this puts me at ease. But it's also quite a lot to take in. I think I'm going to focus on the first 5 years (it will be 2 in February 2016) and will deal with the rest when I have to.

I will leave you some links that I actually found pretty interesting and perhaps you will feel the same!

• What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? You definitely must read this!
• This designer was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma at age 24, going through nine months of chemo and radiation before going into remission. She designed the cards she wishes she's received from friends and family. 
• "Give yourself time to be sad, frustrated, and angry. Give yourself time to heal, accept, and to grow. Time doesn’t erase anything, but it can provide you with enough space to be able to breathe again. And then one day you wake up and your heart has a little bit of sunshine in it. And day by day people offer you pieces of their hearts to help remake your own. Allow yourself to be where you are at, to feel what you are feeling, and to experience everything that means. And during this process, look and listen for that glimmer of hope. It is there, I promise. And it is waiting for you to see it. Because one of the most beautiful things about humans is their capacity to heal, grow, and survive. Facing it. That is how you get through." - Jessica Jensen
• If you want to spread some kindness but don't know where to begin, join the Card Bombers Anonymous and become a Kindness Ninja! 
•  You MUST watch this if you need a little something to lift your spirit. Will make you cry, that's a promise! 

The real world

I think it is time for me to write a little update and tell you I took another big step. Big as in huge. I went back to work. Can you believe it?! A year ago the thought of work alone would have me breaking down and now I'm doing it.

I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?

So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!

Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.

I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't  even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.

My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.

P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY! 

(En)joy!

Summer has officially started and it's raining cats and dogs. So I'm on my laptop, listening to some music while staring out of the window. I'm home.

I have been back at my place for about three months now and although I still have crappy days... it feels good to be able to take care of myself.

I actually feel like I have been able to really 'enjoy' things. Fresh flowers on the  balcony or in my home. Saturday movie nights with the bunnies. Simple walks through my neighbourhood or bike rides to the farmer's market. Shopping and lunch dates with my sister. The birds checking out the new birdhouse on my balcony. Getting another haircut. Cooking and trying new recipes. Talking to my bestie from High school who I had not spoken to in over ten years! Doing yoga with my Tara Styles DVDs. Restyling my home and finding a new coffee table while thrifting. Having my retired colleague over for a visit. And of course there's always a creative craft project to work on!

I still feel very fragile and vulnerable though. I'm easily swept of my feet by other people's thoughts or cancer related news on the TV. But hey, I have been through a lot and I'm okay, even though sometimes I'm not. Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful. Sometimes your heart needs more time to understand what your brain already knows. So lets be patient with ourselves. Embrace ourselves and the strange things that make our weird big heart happy. Stop comparing ourselves to other people. We are all beautiful and unique.

I also had my annual check-up which is always a nerve-wrecking thing. I get nervous and come up with these horrible scenarios about three weeks before the actual mammogram date. But I went in, chin up.. smashed boobies afterwards... and I was told everything looked fine. So that was quite a relieve as you can imagine and I celebrated with ice cream and cake. My treat.

I try to remember myself we have no control over the future. Later is now. We really do not need a lot to be happy. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, your health, flowers, books to read, furry paws, a cozy home and to love and be loved. Joy must be the most magnetic force in the universe.

Wreck this

It seems to be the month of tough conversations.

So after I let everything sunk in from my appointment with the insurance doctor at the UVW... I received his report. It is so freakin' hard to read what people write about your emotional well-being. Especially when our conversation didn't last any longer than 15 minutes and I still get mad when I think about the pain his words caused me. But guess what his report wasn't so bad! He got the point pretty much right. The essence of my story and why I am not working right now.

So today I talked to the employment specialist and I wasn't sure whether or not I was going to bring up the insurance doctor or not. But we got to talk about the report pretty soon and so I simply told him everything. That it caused me a lot of pain and that I felt I was treated badly. That you don't deal with people this way. He knew this doctor pretty well and we had a good conversation. Which was such a relieve. I have to wait for there final decision, but if everything goes right I'm just going to leave it at that. At work they wanted me to file a complaint but I don't think I want to. It will cost me too much energy. The report was pretty much okay. My appointment with the employment specialist made me feel better. Hey we even got to talk about bunnies! So sometimes you have to let things go. All I want is other people to understand why I am not working at this moment and the safety net that is out there to catch me. Because I have fallen. From high.

On Monday I talked to my psychologist. Not a great conversation either because... yes here it comes... she told me that my cancer diagnoses hit me hard.. perhaps harder than it would hit other people. Seriously WHAT THE FUCK?! Do we not learn that you can not compare yourself to other people? And that grief can not be compared to grief? I was and still am very upset about her remark. I lived my own personal horror story! I don't know what she meant by it. There might be some truth in there, but it sure as hell isn't doing me any good. Which sucks, because so far, no matter how painful they are, our conversations were always pretty good. I definitely have to ask her about this next time because it's been bothering me for a while now.

She actually also wanted me to be on anti-depressants again but I refused. I hate it how I let things become so big and then they just blow up in my head. Not good. I am fragile and emotional YES! I cry ALL the time. But never do I want to feel again like I was on anti-depressants. I know they weren't they right ones for me... but I don't think a pill is going to solve everything. I have to find my way through this. Grief, cry, mourn, scream... whatever. But at least they are real feelings. They are me.

Next week I have my mammogram. As you can guess I'm absolutely crazy nervous about this.

Seriously?!

Today was my appointment with the insurance doctor at the UVW. The Dutch safety net for people who are sick for longer than two years. I was nervous but prepared. Or so I thought.

I was meeting with this doctor under the assumption we would talk for an hour. He shook my hand and then said, "So you had a tumor and are depressed now?"

Wow. I mean wow. REALLY?! That's how you start a conversation?

So I answered that my story was a bit longer than that and so was my treatment plan. So we discussed that for a bit, I went through the numbers... radiation therapy, chemo and herceptin.

Then he wanted to know why I wasn't working. I know he was doing his job, but seriously just a tiny bit of empathy would have helped and made me feel better. I gave him the papers of my oncologist and pharmacist because I came prepared. He made a stupid comment about the font size of the paper work the company doctor sent.

Then we talked about my emotional state of mind and he asked me why I wasn't seeing a therapist more often. Fucking rude dude!

If you think that's all... no he wasn't finished. After 15 minutes (!!!) he asked if I wanted to add anything to our conversation or felt something was left out. I was flabbergasted this was it. So I told him that I didn't feel our conversation did justice to the pain I am feeling and the horrible thing I went through at age 30. You know what he said? "It could have been worse, you should be happy to be alive."

So yes I left there very upset. Yes that's an understatement. I called my boss afterwards and I'm thankful for her support. I know whatever happens I still have a job. I also have a good feeling about our company doctor and his judgement.

At first I was really upset and sad... but now when I think about it I get so angry as well. Treating me like that after everything I have been through. You do not have the right to speak to me like that! Motherfucker. It's not like I broke my leg or something like that. I didn't go on a cruise asshole! I had cancer and my soul and body feel torn apart.

Next week I have to go back for another meeting with an employment specialist. I am seriously hoping for someone a bit more qualified. Or better yet, a bit more human.

Blood test first

So I saw my oncologist last week and I got to ask all my questions about the Tamoxifen. We also talked about the Zoladex injection. Which kind of freaked me out. My onc wanted to do a blood test and he will get the results back in two weeks. I will then have another appointment with him. He told me to write down my questions again (and you bet I will) and we'll make a treatment plan.

He told me perhaps I can start the Tamoxifen every other day so my body can slowly get used to it. Which sounds appealing to me.

In the mean time I have been asking around about the Zoladex injection and found out not that many women actually take it. So I'm having seriously doubts about that one. I will spare you all the menopause side effects details. But it's some scary shit.

So I am tired. Of all this crap. But somewhere, deep down, I have to believe that maybe this time... the side effects won't be so bad. That I have been through so much and that I can handle this as well. I have to believe. If not, I made a promise to myself I'm done. I will quit the shit and will try to move on. But first you try. First you have faith.

He said it takes at least 6-9 months before my body will feel a little bit better after everything its been through. I might never reach my old energy level... but then again nothing is sure in cancer land. 

Today I saw my company doctor. My company hired a new one. Although he read my file he wanted me to tell my story in my own words. I did it without crying this time. Which was pretty awkward actually. It was a good talk all and all. He was pretty nice and not pushy. July 2014 I will be sick for two years and then different rules apply. He said I won't be back at work by then. So I have to apply for sick leave at the UWV. This doesn't mean I can start working on a therapeutic basis whenever I feel like it. However I have to file like a billion papers before April now which is really just wonderful, exactly what my mind needs right now.  

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psych. And so the story continues...

Mixed feelings

I am not sure if it's smart to write a blog the evening before getting another Herceptin IV. Because I am not myself, so nervous and emotional.

But there's stuff. Things I need to get off my chest. And well it's not like I have many happy days these days anyway.

Before all this cancer crap fell down on me I was working as a project assistant. Before that I worked as a secretary for almost ten years at the same company but at different departments. It was a nice job to start with when you're in your twenties. I've learned a lot about the job and about people.

I am not much of a career person. I prefer a place with a nice atmosphere where I feel comfortable. But when I saw the big 30 coming up, I felt I was ready for some change. I applied for a job as a project assistant within the company. It was a big step for me. I don't like change. I got hired and I knew it was a temporarily job for as long as the project would last. I was sort of hoping it would turn into something permanent and they told me maybe it would. So it was all good. I needed the experience. I would start a new chapter and again learn and develop myself.

About 9 months later cancer hit my world.They never officially replaced me but the project is now finished. My contract will end December this year. Basically my contract says I will go back to being a secretary again. This hit me hard. I don't know why because the thing is, if cancer wouldn't have showed up in my life this would have happened as well. But I would have had more control over it. I would have been able to look around for another job.

Now it feels like something cancer is taking away from me as well. I am god damn tired of cancer taking and taking. It feels like another step backwards in my life.

When I reason this with my mind instead of my heart, I know it's not that bad. I should be happy I still have a job during these hard times. I dare saying I was a good secretary or management assistant as we called it. I know the drill and when I do get back to work, I will at least start with something that is familiar to me. Perspective, perspective! I have a bunch of great colleagues and they will always support me and be there for me. I was there last week and spoke to two colleagues and it felt really good. No big groups of people. Just two of my fave colleagues. That is what I need. No worries about money. Because being a secretary again means lower pay grade. I really have to remind myself health is more important. Happiness is more important.

But all and all it was enough to make me cry for a while.  I am so glad it's almost November. I will meet with a psychiatrist about anti-depressants and my oncologist this month.

One small step

On Monday I saw my radiologist about the pain I'm having underneath my breast. I know radiation therapy can do permanent damage in many different ways so I was pretty upset about this to begin with.

My doctor examined me (big ouch) and told me I still have some fluid in my breast. That would explain why my breast and scar area are still very sensitive. She wasn't sure about the rib, so she decided to do a photo and make sure nothing was damaged. Luckily the photos came back clear and showed nothing of that matter.

The cartilage between the rib cage can become very sensitive after radiation therapy and chemo and by overuse or over-stretching of a muscle that area can even become infected. It hurts. It takes a long time to heal. Wonderful!

Yesterday I had to go to work to sign some papers because it's almost a year since I called in sick. A lot of things have changed, some mistakes were made with my contract. Things I'd rather not break my head on right now because they seem not important. Departments have moved, people have left. It was weird. But I know I have to jump back on the horse sooner or later. And it all starts with baby steps and visiting and catching up with everybody.

One colleague was totally in shock and teary eyed when he saw me. Another one just walked by me because he didn't recognize me. These situations are so god damn awkward and uncomfortable. But when I'm in a good mood, really it's a little bit funny as well. It's so weird that it's me that is making them feel uncomfortable. Little ol' me. Okay so I don't feel the same person but I'm still Ciel. Your colleague. I get their emotions. I understand it. Cancer is a scary word. I try to be open about things, explain things about treatment and that usually calms people down.

I know I have to visit more often just so they will get used to me. So they won't have any questions any more. But it's hard and confronting.

I broke down crying when I talked to the girl who is now my boss and who I also share an office with. I know it doesn't matter and it's okay for them to see me like that. As an introvert this is a big thing for me. So we talked and cried and talked and cried and it was good. It was another step.

I don't know when I will be able to go back to work or move back home, I just know right now would be way too soon. Sometimes I feel guilty about this. That I can't tell people when I'm coming back. But it just doesn't work that way. Healing needs time. Healing won't set a date. But revealing your feelings is the beginning of healing.

Let's finish with some positive news:

• The nurse said my scar looked really great and it's because I'm a non-smoker. So there you have it your reason to quit. 
• I shaved my legs for the first time in like 8 months! 
• My eyebrows, eyelashes and hair seem to be growing a little bit faster now and I can definitely see progress! HOORAY!

Short break

Chemo will start next week. I wasn't looking forward to my two week break from everything. But all I can say it's been the right decision. I have been eating food I love. Eating apfelstrudel with vanilla sauce and sipping tea with my sister. I just really enjoy these simple moments. I bought myself a Nintendo 3DS XL to get me through chemo (and it makes me feel like a little boy). Also I have started to prepare a chemo kit. Including products and medication that should make it just a little easier. Truth is, it just makes me feel a little bit more in control.

Of course there are hard times. I don't have much contact with my neighbours but so far three know about my health situation. The other day I ran into this guy who lives next door and after some hesitation I told him that I was sick. He actually asked me a while ago how I was doing and I told him everything was fine. I felt so bad for lying. So this time I was fighting to hold back tears but realized I couldn't. I think he assumed I was talking about a burn out or something like that. You don't expect your 30 year old neighbour to tell you she has breast cancer.

I'm not very good with making decisions these days. It's very hard to decide who to include in your circle. This new circle that is oh so personal.

But telling him was probably the right thing. Although I did wonder afterwards why it was so hard for me. Then I realized it was the first time I told somebody I am sick.. just like that, out of the blue. I have talked about it with people, but they already knew. It's very different when you just pull out the cancer card unexpectedly on someone like that. Very confronting.   

I also found out they are sort of going to replace me at work. Which was.. well awkward. I mean of course I understand it.. and it's okay. But it's tough that I'm here, at home. While they are out there. You know... moving, working, living.

But hey I have other things on my mind. Focus! Focus! Rush into the fray!

The visit

As I mentioned before my ears, nose and throat are always causing trouble. Instead of sharing my entire medical file let me keep this short. My Eustachian tube is a little funky and I have an overly-sensitive mucous membranes of the nose (or something like that). I already use a nose spray for this and the ENT specialist told me to keep using it during chemo and he also prescribed some salve for when things get nasty. So another thing I can cross off my list. 

And there's something else I can finally cross off my list as well... I was diagnosed with breast cancer during my summer vacation. Which means I left work with a clean desk, told everybody exactly where to find what. So after the whole "You have breast cancer-thing", I just didn't feel like going back there. Then I had surgery. Then I did the whole IVF thing which I kept a secret from everybody. Then I started radiation treatment and got very tired. Today I got home after rad #15 and then I was wondering what to do. What to do. 

I decided to visit my work. Just like that. Spontaneous. An unprepared surprise visit! I'm a project assistant, but you probably have to know I used to work there as secretary. In other words: big network, I know a lot of people. They all know my story by now.

 Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own cocoon and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.

But I stood at the threshold of new times... and I did it. I talked to 8 colleagues or so and it was good. It was good being there. Just being there. I realized there's stuff I don't want to talk about and I did not. That's okay. I also noticed I sometimes make jokes to lighten up the conversation. Which seems stupid but it's hard for people to talk to me as well. I get that. I'm okay with that. I'm also happy I never gave any of my colleagues the link to this blog. Because I need this place to rant. Just for me. I write them long emails with updates and with a few I have contact by phone. Most of them told me I should do whatever feels right. But then when I sometimes stay silent and not keep in touch for a while... they get all worried and upset. Seriously do you not get it? I need TIME. 

It was exhausting though. Telling your story over and over again. Everybody always has an opinion, some good advice or wants to tell you how they see things. I don't want to hear it. I'm already struggling with my emotions. That's enough. One of my colleagues asked me about my surgery and it caught me off guard. I'm so focused on radiation treatment right now. Above all it made me realize I haven't dealt with most of this shit like at all. Not to mention the whole IVF thing. Now is not the time. You just gotta move on. It will all come back later. I will probably have to get some help by then. Do I get extra points for being aware of this?