I think it is time for me to write a little update and tell you I took another big step. Big as in huge. I went back to work. Can you believe it?! A year ago the thought of work alone would have me breaking down and now I'm doing it.
I am living on my own and I'm working. I am becoming whole. I'm part of this world, this society, again. I'm not stuck in a parallel universe any longer. Does that sound strange?
So I have been talking to my company doctor a lot and I will keep this short, unlike my company doctor who likes to draw and make up silly stories that are kinda pointless. But oh well, we are on the same page in the end and that is what matters. He told me to go back to work for 2 x 2 hours. Which might seem nothing to you, but I have been gone for three years!
Sometimes it feels like someone screwed up my time line. So much has happened. The worst years of my life. And now *poof* I'm here. Back at work. Back at home.
I was really REALLY nervous about going back to work, but at the same time I realize it is a big part of my recovery. I can not predict the future, I don't know how many hours I will be able to work. I don't even know if I'm able to work full-time. But who cares, really. I'm back baby. People at work have been really sweet. My boss has been incredibly understanding and super sweet as well. But still I can not help but feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. I am having a hard time adjusting and I can not really concentrate all that well. But I know I need to give it some more time.
My company doc told me I do need a goal. So we decided my goal is to work 20 hours by January 2016. Which sounds pretty fair. Then we'll have another chat with my boss and we'll see what else is possible. Because of my treatment and the Tamoxifen and Zoladex I still have some health issues (menopause, joint pain, fatigue, etc) but I hope they won't get any worse. I also gained weight because of the anti-depressants. Which makes me feel sad (how ironic). But I guess it's better to feel happy with a few extra pounds than to be thin and depressed. Ha.
P.S. Check out my profile pic, I can officially wear a messy bun now! YAY!
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
September 1, 2015
December 29, 2014
Home
I am now officially 33 years old and Christmas went by pretty quickly. I was actually able to enjoy myself. Well I did the best I could. Being with my family was good. Opening presents and stuffing ourselves with good food. Watching Home Alone (1 and 2). Snuggling with the bunnies. It was good. Better than last year and WAY better than two years ago.
But.
Right now I feel terribly sad. I think I am done with 2014. When I look back I think of all the projects and hobbies I picked up to help me through the day. Whether it was Wreck This Journal, photography, blogging, writing letters, Postcrossing, Swap-Bot, Etsy, art journals, flower pressing... or a helluvalot DIY projects.
But it's not enough any more.
I want my life back. I am so sick and tired of feeling miserable. I want to feel alive and part of this world. I want to be independent again. I need to be where I belong. Oh dearie, I miss my home.
So where are we on the apartment cleaning? Not quite ready yet, but it's slowly coming along.
I was hoping I would feel better by now. Be more steady. Less mood swings. More happy days. But what if I'm waiting until I'm ready... and perhaps no one is ever ready to do anything. What if there's no such thing as ready. We only have now.
Of course I have to stay patient and trust my journey. But what if all it takes, is one big step? I know I have my safety net, it's always there but it still is god damn scary. So 2015 I challenge you to be better! I don't know exactly when... but I am coming home.
But.
Right now I feel terribly sad. I think I am done with 2014. When I look back I think of all the projects and hobbies I picked up to help me through the day. Whether it was Wreck This Journal, photography, blogging, writing letters, Postcrossing, Swap-Bot, Etsy, art journals, flower pressing... or a helluvalot DIY projects.
But it's not enough any more.
I want my life back. I am so sick and tired of feeling miserable. I want to feel alive and part of this world. I want to be independent again. I need to be where I belong. Oh dearie, I miss my home.
So where are we on the apartment cleaning? Not quite ready yet, but it's slowly coming along.
I was hoping I would feel better by now. Be more steady. Less mood swings. More happy days. But what if I'm waiting until I'm ready... and perhaps no one is ever ready to do anything. What if there's no such thing as ready. We only have now.
Of course I have to stay patient and trust my journey. But what if all it takes, is one big step? I know I have my safety net, it's always there but it still is god damn scary. So 2015 I challenge you to be better! I don't know exactly when... but I am coming home.
April 23, 2013
The sound of silence
I'm struggling.
It's been almost three weeks since my last chemo. I will have Herceptin #4/17 coming up this Friday.
I talked to a colleague on the phone this week and it really hit me that people will never understand what I went through. I know I've always realized this, but talking to her all of a sudden made it so clear and obvious. She is the sweetest person, but was completely clueless.
I think it made me feel so isolated and alienated from everybody else. During chemo I only had my family around me, a rare visitor every once in a while. But it was just my family who saw me at my worst. So how do you connect with people after going through something like this? I'm nervous for all those 'first time' conversations.
Life is so different for me now. I need to find balance and structure. A way to deal with everything that has happened. I am not the same person any more. I know that must be weird for other people. I understand it's hard talking to a 'sick' person as well. But I feel so alone in many ways. Cancer is like sitting on a freakin' deserted island. This is my worst nightmare and it goes in a bag pack that I have to carry with me for the rest of my life.
The only people who really get it are other people who have had or have cancer. It's good to have 'breast' friends.
So yeah it is hard for me to talk about everything that has happened. I think I'm really learning and experiencing what to tell to whom. This morning I read a quote on the Pinterest board as if it were meant to be:
It's been almost three weeks since my last chemo. I will have Herceptin #4/17 coming up this Friday.
I talked to a colleague on the phone this week and it really hit me that people will never understand what I went through. I know I've always realized this, but talking to her all of a sudden made it so clear and obvious. She is the sweetest person, but was completely clueless.
I think it made me feel so isolated and alienated from everybody else. During chemo I only had my family around me, a rare visitor every once in a while. But it was just my family who saw me at my worst. So how do you connect with people after going through something like this? I'm nervous for all those 'first time' conversations.
Life is so different for me now. I need to find balance and structure. A way to deal with everything that has happened. I am not the same person any more. I know that must be weird for other people. I understand it's hard talking to a 'sick' person as well. But I feel so alone in many ways. Cancer is like sitting on a freakin' deserted island. This is my worst nightmare and it goes in a bag pack that I have to carry with me for the rest of my life.
The only people who really get it are other people who have had or have cancer. It's good to have 'breast' friends.
So yeah it is hard for me to talk about everything that has happened. I think I'm really learning and experiencing what to tell to whom. This morning I read a quote on the Pinterest board as if it were meant to be:
"Sometimes it’s better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it will only hurt you when you know they can hear you but they can’t understand."
August 28, 2012
The egg project
If you think I'm taking it easy after surgery to recover from everything.. well boy are you wrong. You know it's not just the whole cancer thing that is thrown in your face. You have to make so many other decisions as well. The effects of chemotherapeutic drugs can lead to infertility. As a young single female this is not something you want to deal with.
So the hospital told me to go talk to a gynaecologist specialised in cases like mine. Until very recently, embryo freezing was a reasonable option with good pregnancy rates, but egg freezing was a long shot. This made it very difficult for women like me, without a prince charming, to preserve their fertility. A single woman could freeze her eggs and not really know if she had a reasonable chance of pregnancy from those eggs. Or she could consider embryo freezing, with a much more predictable pregnancy rate, but the downside of having to commit to using donor sperm to create the embryos. Not a desirable option (although I did consider writing a letter to Johnny Depp and Alexander Skarsgård).
Today, thanks to dramatically increased pregnancy rates in the last few years, egg freezing is a realistic option for preserving fertility, one that has success rates that are approaching success rates for frozen embryos. So cancer patients can now freeze eggs knowing there are very reasonable pregnancy rates. Good. So let's do this.
Now to be honest this whole thing was very emotional for me. Every time I had to talk about it I started crying. Dealing with cancer is one thing, but to have this taken away from me that is just (first time I'm using this word) unfair. Truth is I don't even know whether or not I want children. Maybe with the right person. One day. But then again, maybe after everything my body has to go through, all the treatment and such.. kids are the last thing on my mind. Being healthy will be my priority.
After several tests my gynaecologist told me there is a fair chance my fertility is likely to be affected by chemo. Of course there is no way to predict what nature will do. Fact is the younger you are, the more likely you are to have normal periods again and still be able to have children once the chemotherapy has ended.
So I have officially started the egg project. It might sound easy peasy. Well it's not. There's a tight schedule. Everything has to be done precisely as described at a certain time. The pills and the hormone injections. Yes you have to put needles in your muffin top. I started last Friday and I'm wondering when the hormones are going to kick in. When will I turn into crazy Ciel?! I will have another echo tomorrow.
I'm glad I'm doing this so future Ciel will have no regrets.
So the hospital told me to go talk to a gynaecologist specialised in cases like mine. Until very recently, embryo freezing was a reasonable option with good pregnancy rates, but egg freezing was a long shot. This made it very difficult for women like me, without a prince charming, to preserve their fertility. A single woman could freeze her eggs and not really know if she had a reasonable chance of pregnancy from those eggs. Or she could consider embryo freezing, with a much more predictable pregnancy rate, but the downside of having to commit to using donor sperm to create the embryos. Not a desirable option (although I did consider writing a letter to Johnny Depp and Alexander Skarsgård).
Today, thanks to dramatically increased pregnancy rates in the last few years, egg freezing is a realistic option for preserving fertility, one that has success rates that are approaching success rates for frozen embryos. So cancer patients can now freeze eggs knowing there are very reasonable pregnancy rates. Good. So let's do this.
Now to be honest this whole thing was very emotional for me. Every time I had to talk about it I started crying. Dealing with cancer is one thing, but to have this taken away from me that is just (first time I'm using this word) unfair. Truth is I don't even know whether or not I want children. Maybe with the right person. One day. But then again, maybe after everything my body has to go through, all the treatment and such.. kids are the last thing on my mind. Being healthy will be my priority.
After several tests my gynaecologist told me there is a fair chance my fertility is likely to be affected by chemo. Of course there is no way to predict what nature will do. Fact is the younger you are, the more likely you are to have normal periods again and still be able to have children once the chemotherapy has ended.
So I have officially started the egg project. It might sound easy peasy. Well it's not. There's a tight schedule. Everything has to be done precisely as described at a certain time. The pills and the hormone injections. Yes you have to put needles in your muffin top. I started last Friday and I'm wondering when the hormones are going to kick in. When will I turn into crazy Ciel?! I will have another echo tomorrow.
I'm glad I'm doing this so future Ciel will have no regrets.
August 8, 2012
It's all happening
Today I found out I’m having surgery next week. So it’s all happening... The first step.
It’s not just the cancer that sucks. There’s a whole lot more to it. Genetics, do you really want to know? Infertility, temporarily or not? Without a crystal ball it’s almost impossible to make all these kind of decisions.
And then all of a sudden the hypochondriac inside of you has woken up as well. Every lump, pain or complain can now mean something. You no longer trust your own body. I used to be one of those people that went with my feelings, trusted my instinct. But I cannot depend on that anymore. It’s out of the window.
I am now living in a different world. A world that exists of chemo and radiation therapy. A world where people are sick and lose their hair. The future can no longer be taken for granted.
It’s not just the cancer that sucks. There’s a whole lot more to it. Genetics, do you really want to know? Infertility, temporarily or not? Without a crystal ball it’s almost impossible to make all these kind of decisions.
And then all of a sudden the hypochondriac inside of you has woken up as well. Every lump, pain or complain can now mean something. You no longer trust your own body. I used to be one of those people that went with my feelings, trusted my instinct. But I cannot depend on that anymore. It’s out of the window.
I am now living in a different world. A world that exists of chemo and radiation therapy. A world where people are sick and lose their hair. The future can no longer be taken for granted.
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