Love

I haven't posted in almost a year. My cancer diagnosis was about five years ago. I almost can not believe it.

Time is such an amazing concept. Time helps to heal, just not all wounds. Sometimes it seems like a movie I once saw. Sometimes it only seems like yesterday. I find it important to look back and reflect on how far I have come (reading through journal posts, going through photos). It also seems right to move on when you're able to let go. It is such a process. So different and unique. So dark and yet filled with hope until things brighten up and the light gets in.

I will never ever be thankful for getting cancer. I will hate it more than anything in the world. But I accept that its part of my story now. That it has changed me as a person and that I'm growing into this person that I want to be. Even though it is a daily struggle. I feel emotional and vulnerable. It is never easy. I am soul searching for my dreams. I'm aware of life around me. I'm fighting the shadows. I'm setting my priorities straight. And perhaps the best of all, I found love and I have so much love to give.

About a year ago I decided it was time for a change.. I did chemo, I can do a dating site right?! I met this vegetarian boy and we hit it off with long emails, whats app and facetime conversations. We ignored every rule from the dating handbook. I told him almost right away about my illness and he gets most of it because he's a general practitioner, a family doctor. We didn't meet in a bar for the first time but at my place because we were already that comfortable with each other.

We've been together for nine months and I have made some amazing personal progress. There are times I can literally feel my soul is healing. Love is like spring. Everything is in bloom. It's because of him I am able to look at the future again and feel good about it. My poor broken body is getting to know love, softness and positive attention. Instead of being bullied with drugs and needles. He is incredibly funny and makes me laugh all the time. We're both super weird. He is sweet, sensitive and caring and has a beautiful soul. He makes me so happy (smile-like-an-idiot-happy) and I can not wait to go on new adventures together with him. 

My energy level is still a tough one. But I'm planning my life and adjusting to the situation as it is. I'm hoping for it to improve as more years go by. When I finish the Tamoxifen/Zoladex in a year and half I'm sure it'll get better as well.

I have been questioning what I want to do with my life lately. I'm quite sure I do not want to be a secretary anymore. So where do I go from here? I have some soul searching to do... and I will take my time and figure it all out. Because I can.

I'm thinking this would be a nice post to end this blog with. Although my story continues. Sometimes it is time to let go...

Sending you all much love...

P.S. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or feel the need to talk.

Rain grows flowers

Just before I went to sleep last night I checked my phone and stumbled upon this message on facebook about people with a lumpectomy that did have a reoccurrence. 

Try getting some sleep then. 

I actually realized that I haven't been thinking that much about reoccurrence. I think I have that hidden somewhere deep down inside of me and I don't want to think about it. But last night that door was set open.Wide open.

It totally freaked me out. What would happend if I had to relive my worst nightmare all over again?

Forever and always my biggest fear will be that my cancer may return. 

So there I was in the middle of the night. A silent, yet paralyzing fear that I felt in my soul, in my bones and heart. Creeping and crawling. I told myself I was okay and kept repeating that.

I stood infront of my window, trying to get some fresh air. Without my glasses the world looked so blurry and dark. As a photographer what do you do when life looks blurry through the viewfinder? You adjust your focus.

It's weird how everything seems worse at night. Because I don't want to feel like that again. I have been disappointed by people as well. Cancer is isolation and loneliness. 

But hey who's in charge here? It's little ol' me. I need to make some changes. Some decisions that are good for me. Be selfish with myself.

Because if a certain person/website/board/social media/... or whatever it is that is making you feel bad... it is time to cut them out. 

Simple as that. 

I am going to focus on things that make me happy. Sweet people that are loyal and true and are helping me to feel better. Love is stronger than fear. So I am going to try and love really hard. 

I know I already took some small steps... I want to fill my heart with what is important to me and be done with the rest. Starting another blog where I write about other things than my disease is one of them. You can check it out here: Tea with Bunnies.  

Courage, dear heart. Don't be so hard on yourself all the time. Be happy with what you have, while working for the things you want. Time and patience are your best friends.

Here comes the story of the hurricane

Everyone has a story to be told. Sometimes struggle is part of that story.

How do you feel about your home? Is it your home sweet home? Did you decorate it, picked out the furniture and the colours? Do you have lots of happy memories that make you smile. Do you picture yourself growing old in that little corner in the world that is yours. Because after all, there is no place like home?

Now picture a hurricane totally destroying that same house. Everything you built is gone, destroyed. Not just the outside but on the inside as well. Every little detail that once made you feel safe... is now gone.

That is cancer.

Exactly two years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was a big fucking hurricane. So no this is not a cancerversary because I hate that word. Treatment might be over, but I'm still stuck in the middle of this crazy dystopian story. Trying to pick up and dust off, some of the pieces. A hurricane leaves quite the mess. That place, that used to be so solid, is now trembling. It is still burning. No longer do I recognize it. So lost and confused, where to begin?

Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about the outside — it's also about healing your soul. It is an emotional struggle. I read last year's post and realized I have come a long way. I am not where I want to be... but I will one day. Progress is progress, no matter how small. I think I finally feel/understand that now.

For a year and a half my life was all about getting through treatment. These days I embrace my good days, and as for the bad days I try to let them be. They say grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

Oh spring I miss you

"It always seems impossible until its done." - Nelson Mandela

True. True. I still can not believe it, but I'm done with Herceptin. Her-crap-tin. Done. Goodbye! 

So you would expect me to feel happy and relieved and part of me is. I think. But I'm mostly confused. Not sure what to do now. So this is what they call... life after cancer. 

I need time to heal and I need to give myself this. I owe that to myself. I also need to accept this, which is a tough thing. A year and half I have been riding this medical roller coaster and now I'm getting off. Life just doesn't go on. Or maybe it does... but it's far from anything you're familiar with.  

I am still sad and I still have so much to process. A lot of people don't seem to understand this. It is so hard for me to talk about everything that happened. I still cry a lot (which according to my mother is a good thing).

So I was doing groceries with my mother when we ran into a guy she knew. We talked a bit and I told him I was done with Herceptin and blah blah and while I tell him I notice how sad I get. Then we run into my neighbours... again I have to tell my story. They even asked me if the Herceptin worked? I know I should not get angry for people asking stupid questions because two years ago I did know nothing about cancer and treatment either. But you can't be patient all the time. It does make me angry. Egh and I hate all these questions. To top it all, the lady behind the counter said, "Oh you're hair is growing but I really liked the short hair!" Permission to punch? 

So then I come home I am so sad and all these words and conversations go through my head over and over again. Everything is so overwhelming and I know it's part of what I have to go through to deal with everything. But you're just so damn sick and tired of everything after a year and a half. 

I want sunshine. Little beams of happiness. 

Hair diary update!

Bye bye 2013

Goodbye 2013. You were by far the worst year of my life. I can not describe in words the pain you caused me. At the end of this year it feels like I have put you in a way too big bag and I carry you around on my shoulders. Yes the entire weight of 2013 is on my shoulders.

So I want to say goodbye to 2013 and start a new beginning. However I still have to do do two more Herceptin and that isn't easy with something so heavy holding your heart and pushing you down. But I must finish these two first. Hopefully my new year will start in February. I know I still have a lot of stuff to deal with, that huge bag among other things. But baby steps. I want to see the sun shine again. I have been crying so much, I want to smile again.

So here comes 2014 and it better be good. May it be a a healthy and a happy one for all of you! I want to pick up the pieces, find back old treasuries. Draw and paint with new colours. I want peace and balance. Bunny snuggles. Life through a lens. Here comes 2014, here comes the sun...

Updated the hair diary.