Closed chapter

Monday at exactly 12 a.m. I had to inject myself with HCG. I was expecting it to hurt, but it was pretty much like all the other injections. Wednesday, 36 hours later, the egg retrieval took place.

My favourite nurse saw my name on the list and changed her schedule to be there with me. Seriously how sweet is that? I was very nervous and it was just so nice to have her there and talk to me.

I was given the pain medication through an IV and it made me feel al warm and dizzy and that's when they started. It wasn't that bad actually. Of course it's uncomfortable and all. But nothing I could not handle.

I was told earlier this week that one of the four eggs probably wasn't big enough. So then there were three. They did actually took away all four of them and it was over in a few minutes. My favourite nurse helped me get dressed and took me to a room where I could rest for a bit. Soon I would be told how many eggs were fit for freezing.

I was hoping for three, but very soon I was told there were only two. So then there were two. Now you have to know the human egg is the largest cell in the human body. It contains huge amounts of water and its outer layer is fairly water-resistant. So very often problems occur during freezing. Today I received the final phone call that only one egg made it into the freezer. So then there was only one left. I hope it won't be too lonely.

I'm not even sure what to think about this whole thing any more. Was it a disappointment? Yes. Am I glad I did it anyway? Yes. Am I willing to give it another try? No.

Don't get me wrong, the whole IVF traject is worth doing. It offers hope for the future and peace of mind. But when the outcome is disappointing as in my case, I just don't think I can go through something like this again. From now on my health is going to be priority number one. I want to get better. I need to clear my head and not be bothered by all the hormones. I want to beat this fucking cancer.

So far my experience with IVF. Been there. Done that. Chapter is now closed.

As my dad put it, "This could be the golden egg."

Growing pains

A few days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer I remember my sister and I sitting in the car. Going somewhere to clear our heads. We were talking about how everybody around us all of a sudden seemed pregnant. Waiting at the traffic lights I remember her saying, "It's so weird... some people have babies..." and then I finished her sentence, "and some people get a tumor."

Now only a few weeks later I have started this project that might be my only chance of ever getting pregnant. Life is ironic. Oh yeah and pretty much fucked up.

Life was just happening. It was good. Perhaps not very adventurous. A little on the safe side. But I was owning my own house. A nice job, with exciting new changes coming my way. Totally in love with my two furry bunnies. Living the single life and definitely not thinking about children. Then BAM! Cancer.

So I've had another echo and the four little eggs are growing. They have to be between 15 - 20 mm before the egg retrieval can take place. I have to come back for another echo tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to the whole retrieval thing. In case you are wondering why.. Once the doctor feels I have reached the criteria to proceed to the egg retrieval, she will tell me to inject myself with human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), a hormone, to finalize growth and maturation of the eggs. This injection is very carefully timed so that the egg retrieval will occur at the optimal time just before ovulation occurs.

During the egg retrieval I will get some pain medication by an IV. A needle is attached to an internal ultrasound probe, which is inserted into the vagina (OOH MY GAAWD!). The doctor uses the ultrasound to see the ovaries and locate the ovarian follicles. The needle punctures each follicle, and a gentle suction is applied to remove the egg and fluid within the follicle. An embryologist then evaluates the fluid and finds the egg. Then it's hop hop into the freezer (do not put me next to the frozen meat puh-lease!). After egg retrieval, you may experience cramping and feelings of fullness or pressure. You get to go home after an hour of recovery.

Well it all sounds lovely doesn't it?

Stupid world of egg stacking

Starting this IVF thing was a hard and emotional decision. As I mentioned in my last post my gynaecologist told me there is a fair chance my fertility is likely to be affected by chemo. By measuring levels of AMH (a blood test that detects Anti Mullerian Hormone, secreted by early ovarian follicles) in my blood, they are able to predict your egg reserve. My predictions were lousy.

My suply of eggs really leaves something to wish for. So after starting the IVF treatment I now have four eggs. Can you believe it?! Four. They need about 15-20. Of course I can always try getting another batch of eggs by doing a next round. But I'm not sure yet if I'm up for that. I'm really hoping these four are going to make it though.

So I can't really say the hormones are torturing my body (or my family). The good thing is the egg retrieval part (which apparently is very painful) will be over quick with only four eggs. Hey you gotta think positive. Like they said in the hospital, 'Every little egg, is a little chance.'

The egg project

If you think I'm taking it easy after surgery to recover from everything.. well boy are you wrong. You know it's not just the whole cancer thing that is thrown in your face. You have to make so many other decisions as well. The effects of chemotherapeutic drugs can lead to infertility. As a young single female this is not something you want to deal with. 

So the hospital told me to go talk to a gynaecologist specialised in cases like mine. Until very recently, embryo freezing was a reasonable option with good pregnancy rates, but egg freezing was a long shot. This made it very difficult for women like me, without a prince charming, to preserve their fertility. A single woman could freeze her eggs and not really know if she had a reasonable chance of pregnancy from those eggs. Or she could consider embryo freezing, with a much more predictable pregnancy rate, but the downside of having to commit to using donor sperm to create the embryos. Not a desirable option (although I did consider writing a letter to Johnny Depp and Alexander Skarsgård).

Today, thanks to dramatically increased pregnancy rates in the last few years, egg freezing is a realistic option for preserving fertility, one that has success rates that are approaching success rates for frozen embryos. So cancer patients can now freeze eggs knowing there are very reasonable pregnancy rates. Good. So let's do this.

Now to be honest this whole thing was very emotional for me. Every time I had to talk about it I started crying. Dealing with cancer is one thing, but to have this taken away from me that is just (first time I'm using this word) unfair. Truth is I don't even know whether or not I want children. Maybe with the right person. One day. But then again, maybe after everything my body has to go through, all the treatment and such.. kids are the last thing on my mind. Being healthy will be my priority.

After several tests my gynaecologist told me there is a fair chance my fertility is likely to be affected by chemo. Of course there is no way to predict what nature will do. Fact is the younger you are, the more likely you are to have normal periods again and still be able to have children once the chemotherapy has ended.

So I have officially started the egg project. It might sound easy peasy. Well it's not. There's a tight schedule. Everything has to be done precisely as described at a certain time. The pills and the hormone injections. Yes you have to put needles in your muffin top. I started last Friday and I'm wondering when the hormones are going to kick in. When will I turn into crazy Ciel?! I will have another echo tomorrow.    

I'm glad I'm doing this so future Ciel will have no regrets.