Growing pains

A few days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer I remember my sister and I sitting in the car. Going somewhere to clear our heads. We were talking about how everybody around us all of a sudden seemed pregnant. Waiting at the traffic lights I remember her saying, "It's so weird... some people have babies..." and then I finished her sentence, "and some people get a tumor."

Now only a few weeks later I have started this project that might be my only chance of ever getting pregnant. Life is ironic. Oh yeah and pretty much fucked up.

Life was just happening. It was good. Perhaps not very adventurous. A little on the safe side. But I was owning my own house. A nice job, with exciting new changes coming my way. Totally in love with my two furry bunnies. Living the single life and definitely not thinking about children. Then BAM! Cancer.

So I've had another echo and the four little eggs are growing. They have to be between 15 - 20 mm before the egg retrieval can take place. I have to come back for another echo tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to the whole retrieval thing. In case you are wondering why.. Once the doctor feels I have reached the criteria to proceed to the egg retrieval, she will tell me to inject myself with human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG), a hormone, to finalize growth and maturation of the eggs. This injection is very carefully timed so that the egg retrieval will occur at the optimal time just before ovulation occurs.

During the egg retrieval I will get some pain medication by an IV. A needle is attached to an internal ultrasound probe, which is inserted into the vagina (OOH MY GAAWD!). The doctor uses the ultrasound to see the ovaries and locate the ovarian follicles. The needle punctures each follicle, and a gentle suction is applied to remove the egg and fluid within the follicle. An embryologist then evaluates the fluid and finds the egg. Then it's hop hop into the freezer (do not put me next to the frozen meat puh-lease!). After egg retrieval, you may experience cramping and feelings of fullness or pressure. You get to go home after an hour of recovery.

Well it all sounds lovely doesn't it?

The egg project

If you think I'm taking it easy after surgery to recover from everything.. well boy are you wrong. You know it's not just the whole cancer thing that is thrown in your face. You have to make so many other decisions as well. The effects of chemotherapeutic drugs can lead to infertility. As a young single female this is not something you want to deal with. 

So the hospital told me to go talk to a gynaecologist specialised in cases like mine. Until very recently, embryo freezing was a reasonable option with good pregnancy rates, but egg freezing was a long shot. This made it very difficult for women like me, without a prince charming, to preserve their fertility. A single woman could freeze her eggs and not really know if she had a reasonable chance of pregnancy from those eggs. Or she could consider embryo freezing, with a much more predictable pregnancy rate, but the downside of having to commit to using donor sperm to create the embryos. Not a desirable option (although I did consider writing a letter to Johnny Depp and Alexander Skarsgård).

Today, thanks to dramatically increased pregnancy rates in the last few years, egg freezing is a realistic option for preserving fertility, one that has success rates that are approaching success rates for frozen embryos. So cancer patients can now freeze eggs knowing there are very reasonable pregnancy rates. Good. So let's do this.

Now to be honest this whole thing was very emotional for me. Every time I had to talk about it I started crying. Dealing with cancer is one thing, but to have this taken away from me that is just (first time I'm using this word) unfair. Truth is I don't even know whether or not I want children. Maybe with the right person. One day. But then again, maybe after everything my body has to go through, all the treatment and such.. kids are the last thing on my mind. Being healthy will be my priority.

After several tests my gynaecologist told me there is a fair chance my fertility is likely to be affected by chemo. Of course there is no way to predict what nature will do. Fact is the younger you are, the more likely you are to have normal periods again and still be able to have children once the chemotherapy has ended.

So I have officially started the egg project. It might sound easy peasy. Well it's not. There's a tight schedule. Everything has to be done precisely as described at a certain time. The pills and the hormone injections. Yes you have to put needles in your muffin top. I started last Friday and I'm wondering when the hormones are going to kick in. When will I turn into crazy Ciel?! I will have another echo tomorrow.    

I'm glad I'm doing this so future Ciel will have no regrets.